Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Play is a necessary and vital part of our relationships. Plain and simple—couples who play together, stay together.

Shared fun, shared activities, and shared laughter all contribute to a stronger, happier, and healthier relationship.

Finding ways to play together as often as possible will help your relationship thrive, and making play a priority will help to create a relationship that is full of joy and happiness.

In relationships where there’s no shared adventure or no adventure of any kind, there’s a kind of deadness and lack of vitality that sets in. The relationship becomes a series of tasks. It becomes mundane. There’s no surprise and you lose the spark that play and adventure naturally bring into the relationship.

Your happiness individually and as a couple doesn’t consist of not having bad experiences, it’s about constantly generating good experiences.

Make a date to meet somewhere and pretend we don’t know each other and are meeting for the first time. Flirt, and try to seduce each other

In every relationship, like in life, the only constant is change. The key is how each person in the relationship accommodates the growth of the other partner. People grow in relationships by encountering a different mind than their own. A partner doesn’t see the world in the same way and doesn’t have the same needs.

The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different. Life can be a struggle. Relationships can be a struggle. You create meaning when you meet each inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through its adversity. When you create meaning out of the struggle, you stay together.

Research on married couples shows that if a couple holds their relationship as sacred, then they have a better relationship. Along these same lines, another study also showed that when people felt that the sex between them was sacred or it was sanctified by their religion as sacred, then they had more sex, better sex, and longer lasting sex, plus they had higher marital satisfaction.

You accommodate growth and change in a relationship by making it safe for your partner to share the unfamiliar and by being truly curious about the growth they’re experiencing. When individuals grow, relationships grow. When individuals transform, relationships transform.

But dreams are important. Your own dreams. Your partner’s dreams. And the dreams you have together. Dreaming together, and supporting each other in pursuing individual dreams, is just as critical for your relationship as trust, commitment, and sex.

Dreaming together is one of the most profound acts you can do in a relationship with each other. And honoring your partner’s dreams is a potent way to express your care for someone, because it shows a profound love. Yes, you’re loyal to each other, but can you also be loyal to what is most sacred and important to the other person? When each partner honors and supports the other’s dreams, everything else in the relationship gets easier, because each person feels supported in being and becoming who they need and want to be.

The best way to avoid this type of conflict is to be open and honest about all your dreams, both big and small. And to respect and honor your partner’s dreams, even when they’re different from your own. If your partner dreams of climbing Everest, don’t talk about how much time and money it’ll cost. Be curious about why they have that dream. Ask them what that dream means to them. Ask them how they will feel when they fulfill that dream. There is a story within every dream you have and within every dream your partner has. Listen to each other’s stories.

Your relationship is a great adventure. Treat it as such. Be curious. Be vulnerable. Be willing to venture outside your comfort zone. Learn to listen. Be brave enough to talk. Share your hopes, your fears, and your dreams.

Remember the love you create together will not just benefit you and your relationship, it will be a blessing for others. If you have children, your relationship is a legacy for them. Your love will influence how they love their own partners someday, and how your grandchildren love their partners. The love you create now will go on for generations.