Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

it’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward instead of away from one another in the moments of disagreement.

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.

Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.

Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.

Decades of research show that the great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other.

Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming.

Learning to understand and accept the ways in which you’re different is key to creating lasting connection and enduring love.

One of the great gifts of relationship and marriage—and there are many—is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another person, intimately, deeply, profoundly, in a way we’re almost never able to do with another human being. If you approach the mystery that is your partner with curiosity, your relationship and your life will be immeasurably enriched.

a big part of the success or failure of your relationship depends on the conversations you have with each other.

We know that it’s the small, positive things done often that make a true difference in relationships. Showing appreciation and affection for your partner regularly, talking together at the end of each day, giving each other a kiss hello and goodbye—these are all elements of a happy and healthy relationship.

The goal is to have a special date once a week, and make that a priority in your relationship.

“When we prioritized being together and gave our word to each other that our relationship would come first, everything else that took so much time and seemed to make it impossible to find the time for a date just seemed to contract and open up a window for being together.

A date worth having is not the two of you sitting on the couch watching television together, or going to a movie, or joining friends for a night of dancing. It’s a special time set aside for just the two of you to connect. Think of it as sacred time. Leave your electronics at home or turn them off and check only when the date is over.

Children are incredibly resilient, and by showing your commitment to your relationship with your partner, you’re nurturing your children by ensuring that they will be raised by parents in a healthy and stable relationship. Children feed off of the love in a marriage. Remember they are constantly modeling you, and you want them to see how

Find the moments of humor. Find the joy, even when it feels difficult. Don’t forget why you fell in love with each other, and most important, don’t forget to laugh.

In a relationship, commitment is a choice we make every single day, over and over again. We choose it even when we are tired and overworked and stressed out. We choose it no matter what attractive person crosses our path. We also choose it every time our partner makes a bid for attention and we put down our book, or look away from the television, or up from our smartphone, or stop whatever it is we’re occupied with to acknowledge their importance in our life. This acknowledgement may call for just a smile or for a conversation, but whatever it calls for, we authentically try to deliver. When we make our relationship a priority by showing that it’s a priority, we build trust and demonstrate our loyalty far beyond any words we say in our wedding vows.

Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws. It means never threatening to leave, even if at times you might want to. It also means caring about your partner’s pain as much as—if not more than—your own.

the more honest we are, the more we can discover that our partner really loves us for who we are, and not the idealized version of us that shows up when we first begin to date. Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen your relationship needs to breathe.

In one’s mind, as well as in communication, we build commitment by nurturing our gratitude in what we have with our partner. We think to ourselves that no one can hold a candle to our partner, and in our mind we magnify the positive qualities our partner has and we minimize the negative qualities. We think and communicate that no one out there—real or imagined—can compare with our partner.

“I almost look forward to our conflicts now, because we always seem to come out of them understanding something new about each other and it brings us closer and closer. I don’t go looking for fights, but I don’t run away from them anymore either. I love that feeling when we get through a hard time together. That’s what a relationship is all about. Even when we disagree, we’re still on the same team, trying to find a way to understand each other and work it out.”

Mutual understanding: This is the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflict.

In creating compromise we have to understand each other’s core needs on the issue we’re discussing, as well as each other’s areas of flexibility. However, the goal is not to become identical, it’s to understand each other.

You can’t “solve” your personality or preferred lifestyle differences, nor should you try. Recognizing a perpetual problem for what it is leads to accepting and valuing how each of you is different. At the core of managing conflict, especially when it comes to a perpetual problem, is accepting your partner for who they are. When you accept what you can’t change, you accept each other. Accept your partner for who they are, and they’ll do the same. Celebrate and learn from your differences.

Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more. If you genuinely seek understanding of your partner’s position, you can create deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, through any disagreement. When your partner expresses anger, instead of acting defensive and attacking back, try asking yourself, or even asking your partner, what does he or she need, what is the unmet desire or hope that hasn’t yet been met. Through any argument, if you can communicate that you love and accept your partner, even if you deeply disagree with them, your relationship and marriage can not only survive but also thrive.

Validate each other’s realities. Validating doesn’t mean agreeing. It means being able to complete a sentence like, “From your point of view it makes sense to me that you would have these feelings and needs. I get it.”

If you feel triggered, tell your partner the story of what happened in your past, so your partner can understand your own particular sensitivities and why this is a trigger for you. If you are the partner, express understanding and empathy as your partner describes the incident and the connection.

We all want to keep our relationship passionate and connected, and there are ways to both create and destroy your connection that all take place out of the bedroom. What’s most important is not to let sex become the last item on a very long to-do list, the final obligation you turn to when you’re both exhausted.

many couples eventually stop doing the romantic things with one another that sustain a loving relationship. They stop having fun. They stop making time for playfulness. They stop having romantic getaways or romantic dates. They stop having adventures together. They stop doing all the things that sustain passion and a lively romantic life. Instead, their lives become an infinite list of errands, and life becomes drudgery.

The greatest gift a couple can give their kids is a loving relationship they can model and grow within. The children are nurtured by the love between the parents as much as by the love they receive directly.

The important thing when you’re talking about sex with your partner is to focus on what you like and what feels good. “I like it when you touch me here. . . . It feels so good when you do . . .” This is especially important for women to feel comfortable doing, because research shows that men need and want some guidance. Men want to bring their partner pleasure, they want to satisfy them sexually, and they want some direction.

Often it can seem easier to be naked physically rather than naked emotionally, but if you want to create a relationship or marriage that goes the distance, you’re going to have to bare it all.

Men in general like to have sex to feel emotionally connected, and women need to feel emotionally connected to have sex.

Sexual desire for women is a barometer for how the rest of her world is going. If she’s not rested, or happy, or healthy, or feeling supported and loved, she’s not going to feel like having sex.

Finding a way to handle the “no” is critical to the success of your relationship. Find ways to be affectionate and be together, even if sex has been taken off the table. Those couples who have mastered acceptance of the no, actually end up having sex more than couples where one partner gets upset when the other one isn’t in the mood. A great way to respond to no is realizing that “no” does not have to end connection. Then one can say, “Thanks for telling me you’re not in the mood. What are you in the mood for? Do you feel like taking a walk? Watching TV? Cuddling? Just talking? Or would you like time alone?” It’s important not to punish one’s partner for saying no. Don’t sulk or whine. It’s especially hard for men to hear “no,” because research shows that being wanted sexually is essential to a man’s sense of his masculinity. There’s even been a study showing that men would prefer to get fired from their job rather than have their partner not want them sexually. If there is a lack of physical affection, flirting, and intimate connection apart from sex, your sex life will suffer. If there’s emotional distance or intense conflict, like we discussed in the previous chapter, your sex life will suffer. If there’s a lack of physical or emotional safety, or if one of you doesn’t feel appreciated, it can affect both the quality and quantity of your sex life. Checking in on your partner’s interior world will help your sex life flourish.

There’s one simple way to keep the passion flowing in your relationship—kiss. Kiss a lot. Kiss often. Kiss each time you leave each other, and each time you see each other again after being apart.

Another key way to keep passion flowing is to express your fondness and affection and appreciation of each other verbally. You can’t just think positive things about your partner, you need to verbalize them to your partner. Appreciate their efforts, their attractiveness, their intelligence, their work, their skills, their sense of humor, and whatever else about them you love and admire.

The top sex and passion killers in a relationship are: ~ Lack of physical affection, flirting, intimate connection apart from sex ~ Vital to-do things left undone ~ Emotional distance and intense conflict ~ Lack of safety, either emotional or physical ~ Exhaustion and stress ~ Feeling unappreciated

You’ll each take turns asking and answering these questions. 1 Think about all the times we’ve had sex. What are some of your favorites? What about that time made it your favorite? 2 What turns you on? 3 How can I enhance our passion? 4 What’s your favorite way for me to let you know I want to have sex? 5 Where and how do you like to be touched? 6 What’s your favorite time to make love and why? What’s your favorite position? 7 Is there something sexually you’ve always wanted to try, but have never asked? How often would you like to have sex? 8 What can I do to make our sex life better?

For most couples, the arguments around money tend to fall into three distinct categories: different perceptions of financial inequality, different perceptions of what it means to have financial well-being, and different perceptions about the nature of how they argue about money.

Couples need to avoid the dichotomy of characterizing one another in terms of the two most common stereotypes: the Spender and the Saver.

Money buys pleasure, and it also buys security. Balancing the two can be work for any couple, and ultimately the goal is to balance the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also signifies.

Our relationship demands our time, and our work demands our time. It is a myth that to have a good marriage you have to choose one or the other. You don’t. The problem comes when our commitment to work and to our partner are in conflict, so how we find a way to satisfy both commitments is fundamental to the success of our relationship.

Every couple should come to an agreement about priorities, but each couple will be unique. You and your partner should talk about your own priorities and what you value.

For the partner working long hours: What does your work mean to you? What pleasure or satisfaction does work bring to you? What need does working fulfill in your life? How would you spend your day if money was no object and you didn’t have to work? For the partner who is frustrated by the long hours: What does your partner’s absence mean to you? What do you miss about your partner when he or she is gone so much? What are you longing for in terms of emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual connection with your partner?

The bottom line is that money has meaning, beyond the expenses and the budgets and the arithmetic involved with saving and spending. The goal is to find out what money means to you, and understand what money means to your partner.

Focus on all you have rather than what you don’t have; don’t focus on past money mistakes.

There’s no doubt that children need, demand, and deserve your love, time, and attention, but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your primary relationship with each other.

Both partners should work to stay involved during the pregnancy and birth of children. Both should be involved as equally as possible with the new baby, whether they are same sex or heterosexual couples. In heterosexual couples, studies show that dad’s involvement matters greatly, and the secret to keeping dad involved with the baby is a good relationship with mom. If there is low conflict and continued sex, then dad will stay involved with the baby, and the couple is more likely to maintain marital happiness.

The second most important thing is for the two of you to maintain intimacy and connection. You need to make your relationship a priority. If you don’t, you will fall to the bottom of the curve and not get out for 18 years, if you don’t divorce first. To maintain intimacy you need to talk to each other about your stresses, make time to connect (date nights!), and avoid defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and shutting down or withdrawing from each other.

If you choose to have a family, it’s imperative to continue to carve out special time to focus on each other, to continue to have a satisfying sex life, and to continue to build rituals for connection and intimacy. The greatest gift for a child is a loving relationship between parents. This is the foundation that he or she will build on for a lifetime.