More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Started reading
July 11, 2019
Witness: A big part of listening is witnessing. This means you listen so your partner doesn’t feel so alone. A powerful way to witness and to “be there” for your partner is to repeat back in your own words what you have heard your partner saying, and thus communicate validation. For example, if your partner has just described a problem with a friend, you can say, “Sounds like you’re really upset with your friend and how she’s been so demanding and judgmental. It makes total sense to me why you’d feel that way.” You don’t have to speak like a therapist. You’re just letting your partner know
...more
The goal of conflict is not to win or to convince the other person that you’re right or even to be the same. In creating compromise we have to understand each other’s core needs on the issue we’re discussing, as well as each other’s areas of flexibility.
understand each other.
This can happen when you end up going round after round in conflict over a perpetual problem. You’ll know your perpetual problem has become gridlocked when you have the same conversation and arguments over and over again with no progress.
When your partner expresses anger, instead of acting defensive and attacking back, try asking yourself, or even asking your partner, what does he or she need, what is the unmet desire or hope that hasn’t yet been met.
We forget about seeking understanding, and we give a 20-minute diatribe on why we’re right and they’re wrong.
regrettable incident.
without jumping back into the ring with your boxing gloves on. It’s
the fight recap, where you figure out how to make this particular matchup go better in the future. The goal here is not to once again argue for your reality or prove that you’re right and they’re wrong; it’s to understand what reality looks like to the other person.
Avoid contesting who remembers it better.
Only talk about the feelings and needs you had.
It’s better to say “I heard you saying . . .” than to say “You said
There’s no immaculate perception.
Triggers never go away, they endure.
Discuss how you both might do things differently the next time. What’s one way your partner can make it better if this type of incident happens again? What’s one way you can make it better? Create a plan together to minimize hurt feelings and avoid an incident in the future.
Differences in finances. One person is much more financially conservative, a worrier and a planner, while the other wants to spend a lot more than the other, and has a philosophy of living for the moment.
Differences in how to deal with sadness. One person prefers to ignore moments of sadness or despair, to problem-solve and “get on with life” using action, while the other wants to be able to talk about sadness and be listened to empathetically.
Differences in socializing. One person is more extroverted and gregarious, and gets energized by being with people, while the other person finds being with people an effort and is energized by solitude.
do you feel neglected?”
no pressure
obligation
I don’t see sex as an obligation
If she’s not rested, or happy, or healthy, or feeling supported and loved, she’s not going to feel like having sex.
If your partner doesn’t want to have sex, the most important thing is to not take it personally.
Kiss a lot. Kiss often.
we recommend a juicy, 6-second kiss that would make your grandmother—or anyone else watching the two of you—blush.
The Love Lab found that successful relationships have a 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative in all their everyday interactions in the apartment lab. This means for every one time you roll your eyes at something your partner says or does, you need to counteract this with 20 positive responses and reactions.
You ask how each other’s day went while making eye contact, you talk about the things that are stressing them out, you listen to them, and you empathize with their struggles.
Affirming Our
The Saver sees himself or herself as practical, conservative, wise, and stoic.
The Saver values money as accomplishment, security, success, power, freedom from worry, an investment in the future, and a future legacy.
I don’t think we stereotype each other
Not at all. We have a nice balance
In fact, work can often be the “third party” in a relationship.
create loneliness in the relationship.
My maternal grandfather worked on the railroad and my paternal grandfather worked in the Navy shipyard’s neither were very successful and neither made a great amount of money in their lifetimes
What did your maternal and paternal grandparents do for a living? How well off were your
Both sets of grandparents struggle to make ends meet and neither left a legacy or an inheritance to speak of
My mother and father both work for the government when they met and I think that’s when they had their best opportunity to have careers and make some money. After that my father decided that he had a calling to be a preacher, Which caused us to move quite a bit while my brother and I were growing up and we always seem to have enough money to get by but never an access luckily they saved enough money to Own a home which my mother lives in now, And she got a job later in life that secured her health care so we won’t ever have to worry about being on the hook for large medical bills in her golden years
Not very we always had decent houses that were provided by the church is my father pastored at and we had enough money for food and clothes but never any extravagant Vacations which I have come to love now that I make my money
My dad was the stereo typical spender, and my mom was the stereo typical saver. I find it funny that the voice activated Typing that I’m using split stereo typical into 2 words since my dad was such a big lover of stereo equipment especially expensive stereo equipment that he couldn’t afford
I didn’t really learn about money from my parents at all which I regret but I was a hard little worker and started doing things to make my own money from about the third grade on so I understand the value of money I also got a little bit of my dad‘s attitude about money and enjoy spending because I’m afraid of missing out on something fun and don’t see the need to accumulate a bunch of wealth that I won’t be able to enjoyIn my old age
My parents were comfortable spending money when we had it and my mom did a good job reining my dad in when he wanted to overspend
If they did save money or invest I never knew about it. I wish they would have known more about investing money, real estate, etc. and could have taught me something about it before I grew up and had to learn everything on my own
Yes we took pretty good vacations growing up mostly road trips and mostly to visit family and other parts of the country money was never discussed
My parents did a lot of entertaining growing up. I think that’s why I enjoy it so much as an adult. A lot of it had to do with work colleagues are people from the church but my mom always knew how to put on a good spread on a budget
I’m not sure about this one. Because my dad worked for the church I feel like we were the charitable organization people donated to
Yes I had an allowance as a child, but mostly spent it on clothes because I didn’t like what my mom picked out for me. Just about everybody I knew received an allowance so I didn’t think anything of it one way or the other
My work history has literally been a little bit of this and a little bit of that I’m happy to have a career as a clothing sales man because I’ve been joyed it the most of everything I’ve done
Money to me is nothing more than a tool to be comfortable, and enjoy Life we’re healthy enough to enjoy it. I do work to live not live to work
Yes and yes we always had a special dinner and my mom always made the desert that I wanted. I may not of gotten a lot of material things on my birthday but I did get a lot of love which is the most important
I got birthday cake birthday pie birthday cookies depending on what I wanted that year and yes it made me feel very special
Oddly this is something that I’m not sure about I do not remember any specific times that my parents told me that they were proud of me until after I was an adult
Yes we always got presents at holidays. No matter how bad the year was financially somehow they figured out how to get us what we wanted and yes that was very important to me as a child. I don’t know what has happened in the interim that has made me not want presents around the holidays. I think maybe it is just a sense that we already have so much that we don’t really need anything else?
