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“You’re getting a lot of attention,” I say as we take the stairs to the second floor. “These girls are wondering what your major is so they can change theirs to have all the same classes.”
“Congratulations,” he murmurs. “I’m glad you found a real boyfriend.”
“Breathe, Swayze.” I attempt to stifle my gasp—my reaction to his proximity. Nate grins like the boy I used to know as he lumbers to standing. Like the boy I used to know … “Be good, girls.” He winks and walks away before making sure I have a pulse. Not very responsible of him.
He sits up, pulling me onto him, nose to nose as he whispers, “I’m never letting you go.” Four walls and this man—nothing else matters. My hips rock into his, feeling him deep inside of me. “I love you now …” I close my eyes and move with his body. Kissing my way up his neck, I stop at his ear, “I will love you always.” My eyes squeeze shut, forcing out a few residual tears. “Please don’t ever forget it.”
“Do you believe in reincarnation?” “My beliefs don’t matter. They’re just that … beliefs.” My lips twist. “I didn’t believe in it. I still can’t really wrap my head around it, but if I don’t choose to accept it as the answer, then I’m just a crazy person. I don’t want to be a crazy person.” Dr. Greyson stands, escorting me to the door. “Swayze, you’re not crazy.” I chuckle. “Will you write that on my chart so I have it in a permanent medical record?”
“Happy Birthday.” Griffin kisses my neck and whispers in my ear, “Did you wish for your grocery store guy to let you blow his candle later?” He bites my earlobe while his family looks on in adoration. I giggle, elbowing him in the ribs. “Whispering sweet nothings to my daughter?” My mom smiles like she really believes it. “Absolutely, Krista.” Griffin winks.
“I want to marry you, you stupid grocery store guy.” I stand a few feet from the front of his truck. He stops at his door with his back to me. “But I don’t have to. It won’t change my love for you. So maybe you find a girl who isn’t so fucked-up in the head. I’ll still love you. Maybe you marry her and have three wonderful children. I’ll still love you. If you no longer want to marry me … I’ll still love you. I’ll still love your family. I’ll still love the memories of who we were and the dream of what could have been. And I’ll wish you nothing but utter bliss and the most beautiful happiness
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I rub my temples for a few seconds before uncorking a bottle of red wine and pouring a generous glass. “To Apple.” I raise my glass toward the door. “The woman I will never be.” Moving my glass to the bottle of wine, I clink it. “And to you, my bitter Merlot, the first bottle of wine I will drink in its entirety out of sheer jealousy.”
I’m different. Not good different. Not necessarily bad different. Just … different. Puzzle piece 1001 in a 1000-piece puzzle.
“Tell me about your day, Swayz,” he whispers in my ear. I laugh past the sob that wants to escape. If I wanted a guy who got down on his knees—hands folded at his chest—to apologize, I wouldn’t be engaged to Griffin Calloway. This is his apology. It’s slow and easy, but I have no doubt that he will own every piece of me again by the time he’s done. “Shitty. This guy I love … he’s been ignoring me. And tonight he kinda broke my heart. He let another woman sit on my bucket. And he let her touch him.” His grip on me tightens as he kisses the back of my head. There he goes, gathering up the pieces
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She was a chaotic mess to my diligent organization. I know she struggles with her averageness, but I think of her as not too anything; Swayze is my just right. My own tale of Goldilocks. I didn’t find her. She didn’t find me. We found each other. It was effortless. It was perfect. It still is. The good. The bad. The sea of ugly in between—as long as it’s us, it will always be perfect.
“But at the end of the good days and the bad days, let’s promise to meet back here, under the covers, in the dark, to lick each other’s battle wounds. Deal?”
“Why do we keep hurting each other?” she whispers. “Because we’re fucking terrified of losing this.”
The truth hurts more than a thousand lies. Lies can be forgiven, but the truth holds no debts.
“Thank you.” “For what?” He leans into my hand. “For finding me.”
I pick up Morgan and move her arm like a puppet’s. “Bye, Daddy. You’re going to be late if you don’t stop scowling at my favorite nanny.”
“I don’t care that your eyes are a different color. I don’t care that you’re fifteen years younger than me. You are my friend.” His voice tightens with the last word. “Some things last forever. What if our friendship lasts forever? What if the connection we have transcends time?”
She goes to speak but clamps her jaw closed like she’s giving up on correcting me. Daisy is not a separate person, she’s just in a different body with a different name, but part of her is right in front of me. I’ll take any part that I can get because I loved everything about her. I still do.
“Do you have my picture in your pocket today?” “Pfft …” Her nose scrunches. “You’re full of yourself, Professor Hunt.” I lift a single eyebrow. “Is that so?” “Yeah, that’s so.” She turns to climb up into the truck. I slide my left hand around her waist, pressing it flat to her stomach to pin her back to my chest. And fuck me if she doesn’t gasp in a way that I imagine she would if my cock were sliding into her for the first time. Knock that shit off! My mind wars with itself and my body. The fingers of my right hand dip into her front pocket. I slide out a photo—the photo of me. She doesn’t
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If I were Griffin, I’d beat the ever living shit out of me for touching something that’s not mine. But the problem is … when I do touch her, my head goes blank, listening only to my heart whispering “mine.”
“I feel like I’m piecing myself together. And I don’t know if Griffin will still love me the same way when he sees the whole me.”
Leaning closer, I whisper in her ear, “I love you. You suck at bowling, but I love the hell out of you.” “I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you tell me what he said.” Jett winks at Swayze. “A hundred bucks?” Her back snaps ramrod straight. “He said, ‘I love you. You suck at bowling, but I love the hell out of you.’” Jett lifts his fisted hand to his mouth and coughs. “Bullshit.” I grin at Swayze and shrug. She frowns. “I want my hundred bucks. Tell him, Griff.” All I can do is chuckle.
“We’re taking off. Swayze hasn’t had dinner yet.” Breanna jerks her head to the side. “There’s food over there. Pizza, hot dogs, nachos—” “Nachos? I love nachos! Griff, nachos!” I lift her off my lap now that food has distracted her from attacking Jett. “I’ll take you to a Mexican restaurant. You don’t want stale chips and fake cheese.” After changing my shoes, helping her with hers, and saying our goodbyes, I take Swayze’s hand and pull her toward the exit. “I think I do want stale chips and fake cheese,” she murmurs as we step outside. “I’m so hungry I could eat anything.” I grin, shaking my
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“Why does everyone look at you like you’re meat and they’re starving carnivores?” She slurs a few of her words either from the alcohol or plain old exhaustion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Come on … the women. They are so nonconspic spic not conspic … no that’s not right. Inconspic … fuck!” Biting my lips together, I shoot her a quick glance. “Conspicuous?” “That’s it! You’re so smart, honeybuns.” Honeybuns is a new one. “All those filthy women want you. They have no shame.”
She zips her lips and fastens her seatbelt. “I uh … have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse.” Shoving the truck into drive, I ignore her. It’s going to take more than a bottle of hand sanitizer to fix this mess. “Don’t worry about dinner either. I’ll grab something at home.” I shoot her an incredulous look. She snorts out a laugh. “I’m sorry.” She laughs some more. “It was the Zinfandel on an empty stomach. Do you want the ring back?” There’s no way I’m acknowledging her until my balls are no longer sticky with vomit.
He picks the towel up off the floor and flips it over his shoulder. “It was the best fucking blowjob you’ve ever given me … until you vomited. There’s potential. We can work with that.” My eyes narrow at him. “It was the wine.” “I know. If we can figure out a way to get you that enthused about sucking my dick without first intoxicating you, then I think we’ll be onto something really special.” I laugh. “Wow. That almost sounded like a speech about curing cancer or feeding the world, except the sucking my dick part. You should go into politics, Griff.”
A grin slides up my face. “You believe in fate.” Nate sips his coffee and shrugs. “Why not? I don’t think everything is fate. I don’t want to believe you dying was fate. I don’t want to believe that Jenna dying was fate.” “If not fate, then what?” “Life. Circumstance. We navigate the earth by free will. Every day we have an opportunity to choose our own destiny. But some things are more. What if young Nate and Daisy knew each other in another life? A parallel universe? What if we’re destined or fated to find each other in every life?”
“You don’t love me.” I choke on the words as they come out like a strangled whisper. “I do love you.” Dead. Dead. Dead. No oxygen. No words. No pulse. “Because I think I’ve always loved you, and I’m certain I always will.” He grins, leans in, and kisses the top of my head. “Breathe, Swayze. I’m not stealing you from your fiancé.” He grabs his bag and coffee. “I think a part of you will be mine to love in every life.”
“I don’t need you to love me back … in this lifetime.” He smiles. My eyes fill with tears. How can one sentence be so beautiful and so forlorn at the same time? I don’t need you to love me back … in this lifetime. Nate Hunt deserves to be loved back in every lifetime—especially this one.
“I suppose it will work.” Nate opens his door. “It will work as long as you don’t get too creepy about your knowledge of them or their house.” I climb out of the vehicle while he gets Morgan from the backseat. “I think calling me creepy is a bit excessive.” “It’s really not.” His lips wrinkle to hide his smirk as he shuts the door.
Daisy’s room. “I know it seems crazy, but I’ve left her room the same. All these years later, I just like to go in there and talk to her. She was and always will be my daughter. I don’t want to forget her.” Claudia shrugs like it’s no big deal.
“I still feel you everywhere.”
“Are you going to kiss me?” I whisper because I have to know before my heart explodes. Nate opens his eyes, sharing a weightless gaze and soft smile. “No, I’m not going to kiss you.” He’s unhurried with his words as his hold on me relaxes. “You’re not mine to kiss.” “But you think I’m yours to love.” “Part of you.” His grin swells. “Yes.” He stands. “I’m going to leave the physical part of loving you to your real boyfriend.”
“Were you going to kiss me?” “Don’t be arrogant.” My eyes narrow at him. “You asked me first. Does that make you arrogant?” “You were touching me.” “You were letting me touch you. So let me rephrase … were you going to let me kiss you?” I stand, chin up while drawing in an angry breath. “I’m engaged to another man.” “It was a yes or no question.” “What do you think?” My chin inches up a little higher. Some women go their entire life without seeing a man look at them with complete adoration. I already have two men who look at me like I’m something pretty damn special. Why? Well, who knows? “No.
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I hug her tighter. The curtain went down on Nate and Daisy. I mourned the end. Yet, here I am getting an encore. It won’t last. Nothing lasts. But I’m not going to blink. I’m not going to breathe. With every ounce of strength I have inside of me, I’m going to stop time and live in this moment forever.
“What is your deal?” She swerves to stay on the sidewalk as I nudge her forward with the infant carrier. “I had one request—don’t be creepy.” “I wasn’t being creepy. Dude! She brought it up like she’s open to the idea. What if she knew?” “Shh!” I jerk my head toward her door. “Get in.” I latch the infant carrier and hop into the driver’s seat before Swayze decides to run back inside yelling, “It’s me! Your baby girl.”
Her nose wrinkles as she speaks with a mocking voice. “Swayze, do you need to go potty? Swayze, did you wash your hands with soap? Swayze, let me help you tie your shoe better. Swayze, you’re scratching your head a lot, let me check you for lice.” “And did you have lice?” “That’s not the point. I’m just tired of people telling me what to do or what to think. That’s why I want to do the hypnosis. I want my feelings and opinions about that life to be my own.” I scratch my head. “We’ve hugged a lot lately. That’s all it takes for those pesky little parasites to jump onto someone else. Have you
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“Don’t lose yourself in search of her.” “In search of Daisy?” I nod. Biting her lips together, a deep line forms along her brow. “What if I need to find her?” “What if you don’t?”
He stops in front of me, grabbing my face with a firm grip. “Because I’m not going to watch you self-destruct. I’m not going to watch you fall in love with another man. I’m not going to watch you be a mom to a child that’s not mine. You want the perfect proposal and the perfect wedding. But I just want you. Since the day we met, it’s been that simple for me. And I’ll take you with the souls of a million lives woven into yours. I’ll listen when you need me to listen, I’ll protect you when you’re scared, I’ll be whatever or whomever you need me to be … but I won’t be him.”
Griffin doesn’t send me a dozen roses on my birthday. He hands me a single petal every day. Sometimes it’s a look. Sometimes it’s a whisper. And sometimes it’s opening my door, helping me out, and holding my hand all the way to the top of the steps.
“If I were Griffin’s age … never mind his age. Hell, at my age, if I had a fiancée and I found a photo of another guy in her pocket, I’d hunt him down and knock his head straight off his body.” “You would not.” He quirks a brow. “Now that’s the young naive Swayze talking. The one who doesn’t really know me. Give it a second. Once you start thinking like Daisy, you’ll know I’m one hundred percent truthful.” He shrugs. “Proud? No. I’m old enough to know that violence doesn’t solve anything, but I’m not too old to remember what it feels like to want the girl beyond all reason.” I search for the
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Don’t steal anything from the past or borrow anything from the future. Pay your dues today. That’s living life.”
“Coffee?” I glance up at him as he holds open the door to a coffee shop. “Now we’re talking.” “Not for you. My mom likes a very particular coffee, but my dad gives her crap about spending money on it because it’s not cheap.” “Sorry … all I heard is ‘not for you.’ Now I feel like I need this coffee.”
“Don’t go.” I choke on two little words. “Come with me.” I curl my hands, grabbing his shirt. “Choose me … please.” The pain on his face sinks deeper into his forehead. “You were never a choice. It’s always been you. But I asked you to marry me, so now it’s your turn … choose us.”
Nate grabs my shoulders and shoves me upright and straight into the wall. My laughter stops like a bullet to my temple. “Stop.” He grits his teeth. “You don’t get to do this. You going to the lake by yourself when I told you to stay the fuck away, was not okay. You walking away from me because I had a moment with my stupid ego was not okay.” Angry tears fill his eyes. “You dying on me was not okay.” I can’t breathe. Or blink. Or move any part of my body. “You coming back to life when I need you more than anything, only to tell me you’re in love with another man is not okay. You stealing my
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“Tell me more about this shower.” I giggled with a full-on blush. “It was wet.” My hands covered my face. “Gah! I can’t do this.” “Swayze Samuels naked and wet. I can work with that. Do you wash your hair or soap your body first?” Shaking my head, I continued to laugh. “I can’t do this. It’s like phone sex without the phone.” “Fine. We’ll save phone sex without the phone for after-dinner conversation.
“I didn’t get in the wrong line at the grocery store.” She stills, moving her hands to my cheeks, so much pain on her face. “I can’t go with you.” More emotions pool in her eyes. “And I can’t stay.” I cover her hands with mine. “But, Swayz … I didn’t get in the wrong line at the grocery store.”
“Say it.” He ignores me, stacking two boxes on top of each other and picking them up. I back up to the door, pressing my back against it. “Open the door.” “Say it.” “Swayze, open the damn door.” “Say. It.” “You don’t know what you’re—” “Say it!” “I HATE THAT YOU’RE STAYING!” Clunk. The boxes hit the floor. “I hate that this life isn’t good enough for you. I hate that you’re choosing a life you know nothing about over a life with me. I hate that this small part of me actually believes that you were her. I hate the way you look at him. I hate that you had that stupid picture of him. I hate that
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What if some people are meant to pass through our lives instead of walking along beside us?”
I ease open the door. Swayze looks up from her spot near a workbench. She’s sitting on an overturned five-gallon bucket. The most depressing alternative music plays on her phone that’s clenched in her hand. “Hi,” I say. She fails at her attempted smile. “Did you get locked out of your house?” “No.” I step inside. It’s not a happy place. “Want to talk about it?” Swayze stares at her phone. “No.” “Do you want me to suggest songs for a better playlist?” That makes her smile a little more believable.
