Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

That is why I like to say it this way: Find the misery and make a rule.1 If there is an area of life in which you are suffering, make a personal rule to keep it from hurting you.

Again, the principle is that when something is causing you or others some kind of pain, find the misery and make a rule. Preserve the good stuff and prevent the bad stuff. This is what boundaries are all about.

So the point here is to be in control in a way that serves you, your relationships, your life, your mission, or whatever your objectives may be.

Freedom = Responsibility = Love These three things always have to be equal.

In other words, it means that you use your freedom only in ways that do not harm yourself or anyone else.

The need to separate and individuate from parents is an essential developmental task in these years, and it is your job as a parent to use these years to train your teens for adulthood.

When my girls first started having a digital life, I had them do research, present a seminar to me about digital dangers, and write a suggested policy that we would abide by. It led to great conversations and policies.

Smartphones and the internet aren’t the entire problem underlying FoMO. It has a deeper aspect, which is what psychologists call a dependency issue. It happens when individuals don’t feel solid and complete on their own and so require constant contact with others. The constant contact serves to stabilize their sense of stability and peace inside.

Someone who can’t devote a few hours to an important task without having a digital fueling is too dependent on that medium.

Being under the law. Many Christians raised in legalistic environments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves. When they try to make their own decisions, they feel guilty. This guilt forces them to rebel in destructive ways. Food addictions and compulsive spending are often reactions against strict rules.

The basic problem in human relationship is that of freedom. We call people bad because they do not do what we want them to do. We judge them for being themselves, for fulfilling their wishes. We withdraw love from them when they do what they feel is best for them but is not what we want them to do.

God is a good model. When we are hurting, we need to take responsibility for the hurt and make some appropriate moves to make things better. This may mean letting go of someone and finding new friends. It may mean forgiving someone and letting them off the hook so we can feel better.

Angry people have a character problem. If you reinforce this character problem, it will return tomorrow and the next day in other situations. It is not the situation that’s making them angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others, and as a result, they have no control over themselves. So when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they “lose it.” They get angry.

Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt. Instead of expressing and owning these feelings, people try to steer the focus onto you and what you are doing. Recognize that guilt messages are sometimes an expression of a person’s sadness, hurt, or need.

“It’s hard for you when I have other things to do, isn’t it?” The main principle is this: empathize with the distress people are feeling, but make it clear that it is their distress.

Having learned to hear the blame, she confronted him. She said that she was sorry his career was not going well but his career was his problem. These responses were good for her and good for him.

The Bible is full of examples of God asking people to “leave behind” the people and lives that are not good for them. He asked the Israelites to leave Egypt to have a better life, but many of them kept looking back, holding on to what they thought was better. When Lot and his wife left Sodom, the warning was not to look back, yet she did, and turned to salt.

Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To start to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed.

If angry people can make you lose your boundaries, you probably have an angry person in your head that you still fear. You will need to work through some of the hurt you experienced in that angry past.

When you are ready, respond. Stick to self-control statements. Stick to your decisions. Just reiterate what you will do or not do, and let the person be angry. Tell them that you care for them; maybe ask if you can do anything else to help. But your no still stands.

Remember, God does not want angry people to control you. He wants to be your master and does not want to share you with anyone. He is on your side.

Another powerful internal resistance to setting boundaries is the fear of the unknown. Being controlled by others is a safe prison. We know where all the rooms are. As one woman said, “I didn’t want to move out of hell. I knew the names of all the streets!”

Change is frightening. It may comfort you to know that if you are afraid, you are possibly on the right road—the road to change and growth.

Have confidence in your ability to learn. There is nothing that you are presently doing that you did not have to learn. At one time the things you are now able to do were unfamiliar and frightening. This is the nature of life. But the important thing to remember is that you can learn.

Once you realize that you are able to learn new things and handle new situations, you cease fearing the future. People who have strong fears about the unknown have a strong need to “know everything” beforehand, and no one ever knows how to do something before they do it. They go and learn it. Some people have confidence in their ability to learn, and others don’t. If you can begin to learn that you can learn, future unknowns look totally different.

To forgive means to write it off. Let it go. Tear up the account. It is to render the account “canceled.” “Having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross” (Col. 2:14).

And if they sin, I will forgive again, seventy times seven. But I want to be around people who honestly fail me, not dishonestly deny that they have hurt me and have no intent to do better. That is destructive for me and for them.

They want to be better, and forgiveness will help. But if someone is in denial or is only giving lip service to getting better, without trying to make changes or seeking help, I need to keep my boundaries, even though I have forgiven them.

People tend to look outside of themselves for the problem. This external perspective keeps you a victim. It says that you can never be okay until someone else changes. This is the essence of powerless blame. It may make you morally superior to that person (in your own thinking, never in reality), but it will never fix the problem.

This guilt comes mainly from how we have been taught in our early socialization process. Therefore, our guilt feelings are not inerrant. They can appear when we have not done anything wrong at all, but have violated some internal standard that we have been taught. We have to be careful about listening to guilt feelings to tell us when we are wrong, for often the guilt feelings themselves are wrong. In addition, guilt feelings are not good motivators anyway.

Guilt will keep you from doing what is right and will keep you stuck. Many people do not have good boundaries because they are afraid of disobeying the internal parent inside their heads.

One of the first signs that you’re beginning to develop boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life. Just as radar signals the approach of a foreign missile, your anger can alert you to boundary violations in your life.

People who can’t get angry when they are being violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap. No “warning light” alerts them to boundary problems. This light, when functioning properly, should turn on quickly when you are being attacked.

An inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. We fear that saying the truth about our unhappiness with someone will damage the relationship. But when we acknowledge that truth is always our friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry.

People with immature limit-setting abilities often find themselves involved with “boundary busters.” These may be family members, colleagues, spouses, church members, or friends. The boundary confusion seems normal to them—so they aren’t very aware of the destruction it causes for themselves and others.

In addition to the freedom to say no, we find the freedom to say a wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes to others. We become attracted to boundary lovers, because in them we find permission to be honest, authentic, loving individuals.

Many people are told over and over again that nurturing and maintaining their souls is selfish and wrong. After a while, they develop a deep conviction that this is true. And at that point, they place little value on taking care of the feelings, talents, thoughts, attitudes, behavior, body, and resources God entrusted to them.

For years Christians have been taught that protecting their spiritual and emotional property is selfish. Yet God is interested in people loving others, and you can’t love others unless you have received love inside yourself.

This principle is illustrated when the psalmist says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Prov. 4:23). When we “watch over” our hearts (the home of our treasures), we guard them. We are to value our treasures so much that we keep them protected. Whatever we don’t value, we don’t guard. The security around a bank is significantly tighter than that around a junkyard! Begin a list of your “treasures”: your time, money, feelings, and beliefs. How do you want others to treat them? How do you want others not to treat them?

Many people experience intense critical self-judgment when they begin telling the truth about what is and isn’t their biblical responsibility.

Boundary setting is a large part of maturing. We can’t really love until we have boundaries—otherwise we love out of compliance or guilt.

We should fight for the no of others just as we should fight for our own no—even if it costs us something.

“There are two ways you can start off with kids: first, you can say yes to everything. Then, when you start putting limits on them, they’ll resent you and rebel. Or you can begin with clear and strict limits. After they get used to your style, you can loosen up a little. They’ll love you forever.”

So you were asked for something you weren’t sure you had left over to give. You weren’t sure you could do it cheerfully (2 Cor. 9:7). What happened next is what this particular boundary yardstick is all about. You probably did one of two things: 1. Since you were unsure, you said yes. 2. Since you were unsure, you said no. Which is the more mature of these? In most cases, the second. Why? Because it is more responsible to give out of our resources than to promise that which we might not be able to deliver.