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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Henry Cloud
Read between
March 21 - April 24, 2023
If you think that your anger is her problem and that she needs to fix it, you may wait years. And your anger may turn to bitterness. If you are angry, even if someone else has sinned against you, it is your responsibility to do something about it.
The problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want, not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them.”
Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame that person for our disappointments.
The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful.
These moves are not manipulative, as the other spouse will accuse. They are examples of someone limiting how they will allow themselves to be treated and exhibiting self-control. The natural consequences are falling on the shoulders of the responsible party.
Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.
We have never seen a “submission problem” that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior.
Balance. It’s something that God has wired into every system. Every system tries to find balance in any way it can.
Forgive. Not to forgive is to lack boundaries. Unforgiving people allow other people to control them. Setting people who have hurt you free from an old debt is to stop wanting something from them; it sets you free as well. Forgiving can lead to proactive behavior in the present instead of passive wishes from the past.
Jack’s family allowed disagreements between parent and child and gave him practice in the skill of boundary setting, even with them.
Resentment and the years of not having boundaries were beginning to erode the compliant, easy-to-live-with false self he had developed to survive.
Janice’s story illustrates the second fruit of boundary development in our children: the ability to take ownership of, or responsibility for, our own needs. God intends for us to know when we’re hungry, lonely, in trouble, overwhelmed, or in need of a break—and then to take initiative to get what we need.
Below are some ways you can help your children: • Allow them to talk about their anger. • Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings. • Encourage them to ask questions and not assume your words are the equivalent of Scripture (this takes a pretty secure parent!). • Ask them what they are feeling when they seem isolated or distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings. Do not try to keep things light for a false sense of cooperation and family closeness.
By the time they are ready to leave home, our children should have internalized a deep sense of personal responsibility for their lives. They should hold these convictions: • My success or failure in life largely depends on me. • Though I am to look to God and others for comfort and instruction, I alone am responsible for my choices. • Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships throughout my life, I can’t blame my problems on anyone but myself. • Though I will always fail and need support, I can’t depend on some overresponsible individual to
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Wise parents allow their children to undergo “safe suffering.” “Safe suffering” means allowing a child to experience age-appropriate consequences.
It’s important to tie consequences as closely as possible to the actions of the child. This best replicates real life.
Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves not as the dependent, helpless pawns of parents but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives.
Children begin life in a helpless, dependent fashion. Godly parenting, however, seeks to help children learn to think, make decisions, and master their environment in all aspects of life.
Anxious and well-meaning parents attempt to prevent their children from making painful decisions. They shield them from fouling up and skinning their knees. Their motto is, “Here, let me decide that for you.” The result is that kids become atrophied in a very important part of the image of God that should be developing in their character: their assertion, or change-making abilities.
Our children can become like ants, who are self-sufficient, instead of sluggards, who are always in crisis (Prov. 6:6–11).
They need to know that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Knowing that others are not always available for us, at our beck and call, helps us to become inwardly directed instead of externally driven. It helps us carry our own knapsack.
The problem is, the longer we hate and resist the limits of others, the more dependent we will be on others. Rather than simply taking care of ourselves, we expect others to take care of us.
No matter how tough we think we are, there’s always someone tougher. If we don’t teach our children to take a no, someone who loves them far less may take on the job. Someone tougher. Someone stronger. And most parents would much rather spare having their children go through this suffering. The earlier we teach limits, the better.
As parents, we need to take into consideration our children’s developmental needs and abilities to avoid asking them to do something they can’t do, or to avoid asking too little of them.
All of these changes are like the countdown of a NASA space shuttle. You are preparing for the launching of a young adult into the world.
The question they must always struggle with is no longer “How can I make them behave?” but rather “How can I help them survive on their own?”
Teens need to be setting their own relational, scheduling, values, and money boundaries as much as possible.
Their theme was “Get the attention off of me.” This tendency to blame another is a key work problem. The fall also divided love from work.
Christians often have a warped way of looking at work. We tend to think of work as secular unless we work “in ministry.” However, this view of work distorts the biblical picture.
All of us—not only ministry professionals—have gifts and talents that we contribute to humanity. We all have a vocation, a “calling” into service. Wherever we work, whatever we do, we are to do “for the Lord” (Col. 3:23).
Work is a spiritual activity. In our work, we are made in the image of God, who is himself a worker, a manager, a creator, a developer, a steward, and a healer. To be a Christian is to be a colaborer with God in the community of humanity. By giving to others we find true fulfillment.
The New Testament teaches that work offers more than temporal fulfillment and rewards on earth. Work is the place to develop our character in preparation for the work that we will do forever.
If you are being saddled with another person’s responsibilities and feel resentful, you need to take responsibility for your feelings and realize that your unhappiness is not your coworker’s fault, but your own. In this as in any other boundary conflict, you first must take responsibility for yourself.
Do not fall into the trap of justifying why you can’t do his work for him.
You owe no one an explanation about why you will not do something that is not your responsibility.
Favors and sacrifices are part of the Christian life. Enabling is not.
If you are in a situation in which you’re doing lots of extra work because you “need the job” and because you are afraid of being let go, you have a problem.
Whatever you do, remember that your job overload is your responsibility and your problem. If your job is driving you crazy, you need to do something about it. Own the problem. Stop being a victim of an abusive situation and start setting some limits.
Work will grow to fill the time you set aside for it. If a meeting does not have an agenda with time limits, discussion could be endless.
You only have the power to change yourself. You can’t change another person. You must see yourself, not the other person, as the problem. To see another person as the problem to be fixed is to give that person power over you and your well-being. Because you cannot change another person, you are out of control. The real problem lies in how you are relating to the problem person. You are the one in pain, and only you have the power to fix it.
Many people have found immense relief in the thought that they have no control over another person and that they must focus on changing their reactions to that person. They must refuse to allow that person to affect them. This idea is life changing, the beginning of true self-control.
Make sure that the job, which is literally never done, does not continue to spill over into personal life and cost you relationships and other things that matter.
You must make sure that your boundaries are strong enough that you do not let others define you.
Now, you can always be found, which means you are on call 24-7. Anyone anytime anywhere and for any reason can “get to you.” Feeling a bit exposed? You should be, because you are.
But just as it is with so many other areas of life, it’s important to make sure you are controlling your digital life so it doesn’t control you.
Maturity comes from having choices and having to exercise them well or lose them.
The Sabbath was a gift intended for the good of the people. Unfortunately, what started out as a gift for good over time degenerated into a rigid rule, one that sometimes burdened rather than blessed.
“The Sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the requirements of the Sabbath”
