Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it.

The Bible says that we are to give and not be self-centered. It does not say that we have to give whatever anyone wants from us. We are in control of our giving.

You do not owe guilt senders an explanation. Just tell what you have chosen. If you want to tell them why you made a certain decision to help them understand, this is okay. If you wish to get them not to make you feel bad or to resolve your guilt, you are playing into their guilt trap.

If other people have the power to get you to react, they are inside your walls, inside your boundaries. Stop reacting. Be proactive.

Boundaries without consequences are not boundaries. You must decide if you are willing to enforce the consequences before you set the boundaries.

Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.

True repentance is much more than saying “I’m sorry”; it is changing direction.

This is the two-sided nature of boundaries. You may lose something, but you gain a new life of peacefulness and self-control.

No better antidote to anxiety about the future exists than faith, hope, and the realization of the one who loves us.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised” (Heb. 10:35–36).

And not to forgive is the most self-destructive thing we can do.

The wrong can never be undone. But it can be forgiven and thereby rendered powerless.

To forgive means acknowledging we will never get from that person what was owed us.

I want to be around people who honestly fail me, not dishonestly deny that they have hurt me and have no intent to do better.

But if someone is in denial or is only giving lip service to getting better, without trying to make changes or seeking help, I need to keep my boundaries, even though I have forgiven them.

Forgiveness is not denial. You must name the sin against you to forgive it.

People tend to look outside of themselves for the problem. This external perspective keeps you a victim. It says that you can never be okay until someone else changes. This is the essence of powerless blame. It may make you morally superior to that person (in your own thinking, never in reality), but it will never fix the problem.

An inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. We fear that saying the truth about our unhappiness with someone will damage the relationship. But when we acknowledge that truth is always our friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry.

You will begin to see that taking responsibility for yourself is healthy, and you will begin to understand that taking responsibility for other adults is destructive.

Setting important limits with significant people is the fruit of much work and maturing.

Our real target is maturity—the ability to love successfully and work successfully, the way God does.

If we expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs for several reasons.

Boundary-injured individuals make promises and then do one of two things: (1) They resentfully make good, or (2) they fail on the promise. Boundary-developed people, however, make good freely and gladly. Or they don’t promise at all.