Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

Bonding takes place when the mother responds to the needs of the child, the needs for closeness, for being held, for food, and for changing. As baby experiences needs and the mother’s positive response to those needs, he or she begins to internalize, or take in, an emotional picture of a loving, constant mother.

You must first determine who you aren’t before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity.

Good parents have fun with toddlers who jump on the bed. Poor parents either quench their children’s desire by not allowing any jumping, or they set no limits and allow them to jump all over Mom and Dad’s orange juice and coffee.

The ability to use anger to distinguish between self and others is a boundary. Children who can appropriately express anger are children who will understand, later in life, when someone is trying to control or hurt them.

Though they certainly can’t make all the choices they’d like, young children should be able to have a no that is listened to.

One couple was faced with an aunt whose feelings were hurt by their daughter’s refusal to kiss and hug her upon every visit. Sometimes the child wanted to be close; sometimes she wanted to stand back and watch. The couple responded to the aunt’s complaint by saying, “We don’t want Casey to feel that her affection is something she owes people. We’d like her to be in charge of her life.” These parents wanted their daughter’s yes to be yes and her no to be no (Matt. 5:37). They wanted her to be able to say no, so that in the future she would have the ability to say no to evil.

“Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (Prov. 19:18). In other words, help children learn to take limits before it’s too late.

A successful first three years of life will mean a smoother (but not smooth!) adolescence and a better transition into adulthood. A problematic childhood can be helped greatly by lots of hard work in the family during adolescence. But serious boundary problems during both these periods can be devastating during the adult years.

Parents need to stay attached and connected to their children even when they disagree with them. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get angry. It means they shouldn’t withdraw.

Parents who pull away from their child are, in essence, practicing spiritual and emotional blackmail. The child can either pretend not to disagree and keep the relationship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most important relationship in the world. He will most likely keep quiet.

When children feel parents withdrawing, they readily believe that they are responsible for Mom and Dad’s feelings.

Children need to be under the authority and control of their parents, but when parents punish their child for his growing independence, he will usually retreat into hurt and resentment.

Discipline is the art of teaching children self-control by using consequences. Irresponsible actions should cause discomfort that motivates us to become more responsible.

Instead of saying, “You’ll make your bed or you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a choice: Make your bed, and I’ll let you play Xbox; don’t make your bed, and you lose your Xbox privileges for the rest of the day.” The child decides how much pain he is willing to endure to be disobedient.

God’s discipline teaches, not punishes: “God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Heb. 12:10–11).

When parents greet their children’s disagreement, disobedience, or practicing with simple hostility, the children are denied the benefit of being trained. They don’t learn that delaying gratification and being responsible ...

while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes.

Overcontrolled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have problems taking risks and being creative.

Sometimes recovery comes in the form of hospitalization, sometimes in divorce, sometimes in jail, and sometimes in disease. But no one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher.

Adult children of alcoholics never feel safe in relationships. They’re always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up constantly.

A trauma can affect boundary development because it shakes up two necessary foundations to children’s growth: 1. The world is reasonably safe. 2. They have control over their lives. Children who undergo trauma feel these foundations shaken up. They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in any danger that approaches them.

The heart of God seems to beat especially close to the victim of trauma: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted” (Isa. 61:1). God desires the wounds of the traumatized to be bound up by loving people.

When God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he’s telling us how things really are.

Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.

Codependent people bring insults and pain on themselves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in someone’s life.

We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can.

It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again.

You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs.

You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.

Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.

We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours.

The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it’s probably not love.”

People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abandoned.

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. “Speak truthfully to your neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body” (Eph. 4.25).

As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run, it may be good for us.

It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming “victims’ rights” for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a “victim mentality.”

Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there or to give up the desire.

The sad thing is that many people who are passive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Passivity never pays off.

God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us.

when a baby bird is ready to hatch, if you break the egg for the bird, it will die. The bird must peck its own way out of the egg into the world. This aggressive “workout” strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die. This is also the way God has made us. If he “hatches” us, does our work for us, invades our boundaries, we will die. We must not shrink back passively. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matt. 7:7–8).

If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation.

Healing always takes place in the light.

Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God-given trait (Prov. 13:4), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.

an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hos. 6:6).

If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you’re bending the truth.

Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time.

Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat.

Years of constant boundary violations generate great anger.

Some people become so accustomed to others rescuing them that they begin to believe that their well-being is someone else’s problem. They feel let down and unloved when they aren’t bailed out. They fail to accept responsibility for their own lives.

One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feelings of obligation.