Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

by Rick Hanson

Knowing in your heart that you are a basically good person is a true refuge. No matter the ups and downs of successes and failures, loves and losses, you can find comfort and strength in this knowledge. Independent of all achievements, fame, and fortune, there is always goodness in the core of your being.

heart rate variability, the change in the interval between heartbeats, which reflects the degree to which your heart rate slows as you exhale and engage the PNS. Increased variability is a marker of greater parasympathetic activation in general, and is associated with improved mood, a stronger immune system, and greater resilience to stress.

Any experience in which there is a sense of satisfaction—such as gratitude, pleasure, and accomplishment—is an opportunity to feel that this need has been met, at least for the moment.

box. If you repeatedly internalize these experiences of satisfaction—even mild and passing experiences in daily life—they will gradually build up an unconditional feeling of contentment deep down inside you.

As you pursue a goal, look for signs of progress. Mark the small victories and notice the little accomplishments. This drip-drip-drip of mild experiences of success will be rewarding to your brain and help you stay in the sweet spot of healthy passion. For example, if my email inbox has fifty new messages, I try to feel a sense of completion as I deal with each one of them. Then the whole inbox doesn’t seem so daunting.

When you are doing whatever it is that you want to motivate, repeatedly focus on what feels pleasurable about it. Again and again and again: this is how to create surges of dopamine that will train the motivational circuit.

When you are done, take a little time to savor the results. Getting off the treadmill, I focus on feelings of vitality and satisfaction that I did something for my health. Don’t shift into the next thing without registering the rewards of what you have just done. You worked for them and deserve them.

neighbors. A strong sense of autonomy—that you are your own person and make your own choices—fosters depth of intimacy.

In a positive cycle, autonomy and intimacy feed each other. Together, they make you more resilient.

IMAGINE BOUNDARIES BETWEEN YOU AND OTHERS

INSIDE YOURSELF, ASSERT YOUR AUTONOMY

“I get to decide what’s right for me.” “I don’t have to agree with you.” “You and I are different and that’s OK.”

FILL YOUR OWN CUP When you take care of your own needs, you naturally become more patient and generous with others. No matter how good your intentions, you can’t pour milk out of an empty carton. Think about what we’ve explored about being on your own side, enjoying life, and taking care of your body. It’s much easier to stay out of the red zone when you are rested, well nourished, and happy.

If an interaction is going fine, keep on going. But if it gets heated or awkward, make sure that your own speech is still wise. In particular, check that your speech isn’t harsh. It’s not what we say, but how we say it, that’s often most hurtful or provocative to others.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a structured way of speaking that was developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It has complexities that are well worth looking into, but the essence is simple: “When X happens I feel Y because I need Z.”

Lots of good conversations don’t follow the exact forms of NVC. But if I’m talking with someone and it’s getting heated or off track, I’ll start using the NVC structure. Usually things go better when I do.

As Stephen Levine has pointed out, each of us will come to a day when there is just one year to live and not know when that line has been crossed.

aspire without attachment—to dream big dreams and pursue them with commitment while also being at peace with whatever happens.

E.g. Setting an outlandish goal is a win-win: no big deal if you don't make it as it was crazy to start with and if you do make it - well done!

People with a growth mindset tend to be happier, more resilient, and more successful. Think of a big goal and what it would feel like to redefine success in terms of developing new skills, understanding others better, or acquiring knowledge. Then, no matter what occurs, you’ve still succeeded.

This attitude makes it easier to aim high. It’s quite often possible to accomplish something that’s a lot more meaningful with just a little more effort. Big goals focus the mind, inspire us, and motivate sustained work. It’s counterintuitive, but the bigger the goal, the more likely it could be that you will reach it.

People swerve away from their dreams for a variety of reasons. In particular, they try to avoid “dreaded experiences.” Consider how it could enlarge your life to risk these experiences.

To aim high while being at peace with the results, have a growth mindset, know that it’s all right to fail, and don’t take what happens too personally.

Forgiveness is a process akin to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief: Denial: “I can’t believe that happened.” Anger: “How dare you treat me that way!” Bargaining: “Look, just admit you made a mistake and we’ll be fine.” Depression: “I feel sad and hurt and frustrated.”

Acceptance: “What happened was bad, but it is what it is, and I want to move on.”

Others are responsible for what they do, but we are the source of our reactions to it. If the same mistreatment or injustice landed on ten people from around the world, there would be differences in how they experienced it. This doesn’t mean that someone’s reactions are inappropriate, but that they’re shaped by that person’s own mind. Recognizing this doesn’t invalidate your experience but holds it more lightly, which helps untangle you from it.

When we’re appalled, hurt, or angry, it’s easy to reduce people to the one terrible thing they did. But around that is so much else: other intentions that were good, a whole complex life history, and their own hopes and dreams.

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each [person’s] life

sorrow and suffering enough to disarm any hostility.”

To give yourself a full pardon, take responsibility for whatever you did, feel appropriate remorse, make amends, ask for forgiveness, and actively forgive yourself.