From Lukov with Love

by Mariana Zapata

Being jealous and bitter was what people who didn’t have anything better to do, did.

I could have been the bigger person, but fuck it, I was five foot three and I wasn’t built to be that person ever.

You are who you are in life, and you either live that time trying to bend yourself to make other people happy, or… you don’t.

My mom said I had serious trust issues, but honestly, the more people I met, the more I didn’t want to meet more.

“If you think flattering me is going to convince me to do this, you don’t know me at all, Lukov.” “Not Lukov. Ivan,”

“Nobody else is going to take as good care of you as I will.”

“You’re my business! So this is my business!”

“I wanted you to be my partner for years, dumbass. When Karina had told me you were thinking about switching to pairs, I had thought you would say something to me, even in passing as a joke. I thought you would say you were going to kick my ass, and I had planned on talking to you over it. But you never did. The next thing I knew, you had a partner. Some dipshit that wasn’t half as good as you.”

“Vanya and his rescues. Always taking the things other people don’t want anymore, ever since he was a little boy.”

Because it was easy to forget that love was complicated. That someone could love you and want the best for you, and at the same time, break you in half. There was such a thing as loving someone the wrong way. It was possible to love someone too much. Too forcefully.

“I believe in you. In us. Regardless of what happens, you will always be the best partner I’ve ever had. You’ll always be the hardest working person I’ve ever known. There will only ever be you.”

“I’d give you every ribbon, trophy, medal, anything at my house or at the LC if it meant something,” he told me. “I’ll give you anything you want if you stop crying.”

Love to me was honesty. Being real. Knowing someone’s best and worst. Love was a push that said someone believed in you when you didn’t.

I loved this man so much that losing him was going to break my cold, dead heart into so many pieces I was just going to have to stick them in the same box I kept my dreams and carry it around with me forever.

This was my partner. This was more than my partner. He was my other half.

What I wanted was him forever, but I’d take what I could get.

Whatever happens, he mouthed to me. But then his lips kept forming words. Three words exactly. I love you.

“I love you so much I spend all day with you, and it still isn’t enough for me,” he kept going. I stopped breathing. “I love you so much, if I can’t skate with you, I don’t want to skate with anyone else.” Holy. Fuck. “I love you so fucking much, Jasmine, that if I broke my ankle during a program, I would get up and finish it for you, to get you what you’ve always wanted.”

“Because I’m okay with you having ten other people be your favorite. But you’re always going to be my favorite person,” he finished. “Always. No matter what.”