From Lukov with Love

by Mariana Zapata

And the arms around me somehow got even tighter, until every bone in my spine was curved into e...

“You’re the best figure skater I’v...

his hold the strongest thing I had ever f...

“You are. The most athletic. The strongest. The toughest. Th...

“You know none of that fucking matters, Ivan. None of it means anything if you don’t win.” “Jasmine—”

“You don’t get it, Ivan. How could you? You don’t lose. Everyone knows you’re the best. Everyone loves you,” I croaked out, not able to finish the words, not able to say and no one loves me the same except the people I’ve let down over and over again.

“You’re going to win. We’re going to win—” I choked. “—and even if we don’t, you’re as far away from being a loser as anybody can get, so shut up. I’m sure your mom doesn’t feel like it was worth nothing. I’ve seen her watching you before. I’ve seen you before. There’s no way anyone would see you on the ice and think there was a price limit on it,”

“Ivan…” “Don’t ‘Ivan’ me. We’re going to win,” he whispered into my ear. “Don’t give me this bullshit about you being a loser either. I don’t win every time. Nobody does. And yeah, it isn’t fun, but only a quitter says things like that. A quitter gives up and really does make that kind of statement come true. You’re only a loser if you give up. Are you a quitter now? After everything? After all those broken bones and falls, you’re going to quit now?”

The girl I know, the Jasmine I know, isn’t scared of shit. She doesn’t give up, and that’s the girl people will always remember. The one who is there time after time. You’d win and keep trying to win afterward. That’s the girl I know. The one I partnered up with. The one I think is the best—and you better not ever ask me to repeat that because I won’t. I don’t know what happened to you earlier, but whatever it was, you need to move past it. You need to remember what you’re capable of. What you are. You make every sacrifice worth it. You make every penny worth it. Do you understand me?”

Ivan’s sigh went over my ear, and he squeezed me in that hug I hadn’t wanted but didn’t want to leave now.

“Jasmine, you’re not a loser.” What had to be his chin touched my ear because it prickled. “Not years ago, not last week, not today, not tomorrow. Not ever. Winning isn’t everything.”

“Some of the unhappiest times in my life have been after big wins. Your family loves you. All they want is for you to be happy.”

“That night I had dinner at your house, the second thing your mom said to me was, I can make things look like an accident,”

“When I was leaving that night, your brother’s husband told me that you’re like his little sister and that he hoped I’d treat you with the same respect I would treat my little sister. And your sister Ruby randomly whispered that her husband was in the army for over ten years. I think she meant it as a threat.

“And both your brother and your sister said that you have experience digging holes to put bodies into,” he finished, his voice still gentle. “They sounde...

“They understand, Jasmine,” he kept going. “How can you think you haven’t done anything when they care about you so much? They admire you. They were bragging about how tough you are. How resilient you are. There are girls at the rink who light up every single time you walk by. You’ve probably changed their lives and inspired them by showing up here day after day, staying true to yourself, not letting anybody talk you out of anything. Not even me. I don’t know what you consider a loser, but those aren’t the kind of traits that come to my mind when I think of with that word.”

“You and me, Meatball. We’re going to win if that’s what you need. Understand me?”

I’d thought more about Ivan’s kindness than I would have ever expected. He’d probably hugged me for ten minutes straight as I’d calmed down and slowly, in tiny bits and pieces, gotten grounded.

And one of the best lessons I’d ever learned figure skating was that when you fell, you got right back up and acted like nothing had happened to begin with. You made things important, or you didn’t. And if you got up and smiled and held your head up high… you still had your dignity. And I was going to squeeze the shit out of my dignity with both hands.

“I’ll wait for you by the front doors, sock boy.” One corner of his mouth twitched… but he dipped his chin. He blinked at me. And I blinked right back at him. Then the other corner of his mouth twitched too.

“You suck,” I said before I could stop myself. “You suck more,” he replied before starting to skate backward. “Meet you in ten.”

“Jasmine!” I heard a familiar male voice yell from close, but not that close. Sure enough, glancing up, I found Ivan down the hall, one hand against a wall. He was too far for me to see more of him, but I knew from the shape and length of that frame it was him. That, and I’d recognized that voice anywhere.

heading down the hall toward Ivan, who was still standing there waiting, except I could see him shaking his head from a few feet away. The second I was close enough, I realized he was grinning.

Those straight, bright white teeth were all out there as he asked,

“What I want to know is…” I blinked, not sure what he was about to ask.

“What is a can of a whoop-ass and where can I get one?” I didn’t mean to smile, and I sure as hell didn’t want to. But I couldn’t help it. I smiled so wide my cheeks instantly hurt and said the only thing that came to mind, “You’re an idiot.”

Thinking about the moment in the hallway with the girls made me smile again, but I wiped it off. He really was an idiot.

There was another moment and then, “She’s my idol” from Ruby, which earned a husky laugh from what had to be Aaron. “That’s my girl,” my mom echoed.

There was one seat empty between Ivan and my sister, and another seat open between Aaron and Jonathan. I went for the one next to Ivan.

He made a face right back. “Get in.” “I’m not going home,” I told him. Those black sunglasses were aimed right at me as his jaw did this tick thing. Then, “What? You got a hot date?” “No, numbnuts. I’m babysitting tonight.” The expression on his face instantly changed, but I didn’t think anything of it.

All of a second later, the door opened and she was there, already beaming that great big smile that made me feel like I’d kill someone for her and eat their heart too.

“It’s my goal. For once, I can be someone’s favorite.”

“But why, Jasmine?” He paused, letting the words really sink in. “Why do you love them all equally?”

“Because they all have good things about them, and bad things. I don’t hold that stuff against them,”

“I want them to know I love them just the way they are. I don’t want any of them to feel bad thinking I like one more than the other.”

“I’ve never held a baby before,” he muttered, his whole body tensing. “You can do it.” That had him glancing up at me as he formed his arms into the same shape I had mine. “Of course I can.” I snickered, and that made him smile.

It was my turn to wrinkle my nose. “Three hours with two kids and now you want them?” Ivan glanced down at me with a smirk. “With the right person. I’m not going to have them with just anybody and dilute my blood.”

“God forbid, you have kids with someone that’s not perfect. Dumbass.” “Right?”

“They might come out short, with mean, squinty, little eyes, a big mouth, heavy bones, and a bad attitude.” I blinked. “I hope you get abducted by aliens.” Ivan laughed, and the sound of it made me smile. “You would miss me.”

All I said, while shrugging was, “Meh. I know I’d get to see you again someday—” He smiled. “—in hell.” That wiped the look right off his face. “I’m a good person. People like me.” “Because they don’t know you. If they did, somebody would have kicked your ass already.” “They’d try,” he countered, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

This was what dying felt like. It had to be. “You’re not dying, dumbass,”

“I don’t have insurance. I can’t afford a visit right now. Seriously, I’ll be fine. Just give me a day. It’ll pass. My immune system is usually great.”

“You stubborn ass….” “Fuck off,” I whispered. Ivan hissed, “You fuck off. I’ll pay for your doctor’s visit and medication. Don’t be an idiot.”

“I’m not an idiot. Call me whatever you want other than an idiot.”

“I know you don’t want to, and I know you feel bad, but you need to get up, little hedgehog. You need to cool down.”

He hesitated for a moment… and then smiled a little. He took a step to the side to stand in front of me, that funny, small smile on his face,

The fact that he glanced up at me and smiled, kind of threw me off,

Ivan snickered as he gave my heel a squeeze and dropped my foot. “In you go, champ.”

was dead asleep when something—or someone—hit my forehead. Hard.

Then that something—or someone—hit me three more times, one right after the other. It was the fact that there was a rhythm to it that had me snapping my eyes open.