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We will all behave like human fucking beings.”
“You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we’ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.”
If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.”
“Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”
“So he called you a homo. Big deal. There’s nothing wrong with being a homosexual….
“It’s my house. I’ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, and I’ll be naked when I want to be naked.
“Give your mother the front seat…. I don’t give a shit if she said you could have it, that’s what she’s supposed to do, and you’re supposed to say, ‘No, I insist.’
“Watching TV all day is not an option. If this were Let’s Make a Deal, that would not be behind one of the doors to choose from.”
No, you can’t go getting mad at people because they’re shitty. Life will get mad at them, don’t worry.”
“You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day…. I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
“I’m sorry I had to be so hard on you, but I don’t want people thinking you’re a lying sack of shit. You ain’t. You’re a quality human being.
“When it’s asshole-tightening time, that’s when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”
“Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately.”
“I’m sorry, but if your brother doesn’t want you to play with his shit, then you can’t play with it. It’s his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that’s his right. You always have the right to be an asshole—you just shouldn’t use that right very often.”
“You’re a pain in the ass, but I love you,”
“You’re going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”
life’s a bitch.”
“If you work hard and study hard, and you fuck up, that’s okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you’re a fuckup,”
there are a lot of other factors besides effort that go into a successful and enjoyable school experience.
“Let’s be honest. You’re not Einstein, but don’t let assholes like that teacher make you feel stupid. You’re plenty smart, and good at other stuff. You know that, right?”
“You have to do something you love….
“Remember, it’s just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn’t mean you’re a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It’s pretty important.”
“A three-year-old doesn’t have a license to act like an
asshole.”
Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.”
“Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.”
“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen.
