More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
On Talking to Strangers “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”
On Chivalry “Give your mother the front seat…. I don’t give a shit if she said you could have it, that’s what she’s supposed to do, and you’re supposed to say, ‘No, I insist.’ You think I’m gonna drive around with my wife in the backseat and a nine-year-old in the front? You’re a crazy son of a bitch.”
“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don’t have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”
“Don’t just say yeah like a fucking mope. Let me hear you say it. Say you know you’re good at stuff.” “I’m good at stuff.” “That’s right. You’re good at stuff. Fuck that math teacher,” he said.
On Friendship “You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.”
On Practicing “Nobody likes practice, but what’s worse: practicing, or sucking at something?…Oh, give me a fucking break, practicing is not worse than sucking.”
“What were you doing that far out? You can’t swim…. Son, you’re a good athlete, but I’ve seen what you call swimming. It looks like a slow kid on his knees trying to smash ants.”
On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.”
Confidence Is the Way to a Woman’s Heart, or at Least into Her Pants
On the SATs “Remember, it’s just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn’t mean you’re a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It’s pretty important.”
On My Bloody Nose “What happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?!…The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.”
On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed “Oh, don’t go to the goddamned cops. They’re busy with real shit. I don’t want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you’re an asshole.”
On the Baseball Steroids Scandal “People are surprised Mark McGwire did steroids? Look at him! He looks like they should have him in a stall on display at the fair with some poor son of a bitch cleaning up his shit.”
“Get ready for a fucking of biblical proportions,” was the advice he gave me about twenty seconds later, after I shared my plan.
“You’re trying. You’re giving it a go. That’s a big deal to me. You may not think things you do mean shit, but remember that they mean shit to me, okay?”
“You always got us. We’re family. We ain’t going anywhere. Unless you go on a fucking killing spree or something.”
On Built-Up Expectations “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big letdown.”
“Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.”
“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don’t know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she’s a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don’t ignore what you hear.”
I’m not the warmest human being on the fucking planet, but I love the shit out of you.
