Sh*t My Dad Says

by Justin Halpern

“Why would you throw a ball in someone’s face?…Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. Well, I can’t do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”

On Packing My Own Lunch “You have to pack a sandwich. It can’t just be cookies and bullshit…. No, I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron.”

“If you work hard and study hard, and you fuck up, that’s okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you’re a fuckup,”

“You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.”

On Picking the Right College “Don’t pick some place just because you think it’ll be easy to get laid there…. No, no, that’s a very good reason to pick a lot of things, just not this.”

“I don’t give a shit what time you get home, just don’t wake me up. That’s your curfew: not waking me up.”

“When I die, I die. I could give a shit, ’cause it ain’t my problem. I’d just rather not shit my pants on the way there.”