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Kindle Notes & Highlights
All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don’t leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang,” he said. “Also, sorry that your girlfriend dumped you.”
One day I was on a walk with him and my dog, Angus, who was sniffing around in a bush outside a neighbor’s house. My dad turned to me and said, “Look at the dog’s asshole.” “What? Why?” “You can tell by the dilation of his asshole that he’s going to shit soon. See. There it goes.”
On Showering with Regularity “You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day…. I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
“Listen, I don’t want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of shit.”
On Getting Rescued by a Lifeguard at the Beach “What were you doing that far out? You can’t swim…. Son, you’re a good athlete, but I’ve seen what you call swimming. It looks like a slow kid on his knees trying to smash ants.”
On My First Driving Lesson
“First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.”
On My Responsibility to Do Chores “You’re a grown man in college, but you still live in my goddamned house. Huh. That sounds way shittier for you when I say it out loud.”
On Getting a Job as a Cook at Hooters “You, my good man, are not as dumb as I first fucking suspected.”
On Telemarketer Phone Calls “Hello?…Fuck you.”
On Today’s Hairstyles “Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later it’s because it fucked you.”
“Ugh, I’m feeling pretty low about this whole thing.” “You just gotta try to put it out of your head,” he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me. “I know, it’s just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I gonna do about that? I still have a TV…,” I said. “Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties.” “It’s a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV,” I insisted. “Go get that fucking TV.”
