Choosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start with We>Me

by Debra K. Fileta

Gary Thomas refers to a prayer he prayed early on in his marriage that reflects the importance of a right heart within the context of marital attraction: “Lord, let my wife define beautiful to me. Let her be the standard for what I find most attractive.”

If infatuation is fueled by the mystery of the unknown, adoration is fueled by the intimacy of the known. It’s the beautiful connection between two people who know each other deeply and love each other still.

“Need love” drives you toward someone out of desperation, insecurities, and fear. It fools an empty person into thinking this relationship can somehow fill them up. But in the end, fulfillment never comes.

relationship addiction,” because it was seen in individuals who would do just about anything to maintain a relationship, no matter how unhealthy, toxic, one-sided, or abusive that relationship was.

Codependence proclaims I’m desperate without you, whereas oneness affirms I’m better with you. The former is based on getting what we lack; the latter is rooted in what we have to give.

marry someone who will make you better. That should be the motto of Christian relationships and the beauty of interdependence.

Interdependence is the third characteristic and the one we’re all after, because it’s balanced, healthy, and strong. According to God’s Word, interdependence is the ideal way to look at relationships.

Another example is in our emotional and spiritual lives. After a particularly hard day for one or the other of us, we choose to unwind, process, vent, pray together, and encourage each other. We don’t do this out of a desperate need. We could choose to deal with the negative emotions of a hard day in so many different ways—in both good ways and not-so-good ways. But we choose to connect out of love, inviting the other person into that intimate place of our hearts. Choosing to love someone is so much more meaningful than needing someone to love.

There will be the chance to serve and the opportunity to be served. And in the process, you’ll learn that choosing each other is so much more valuable and meaningful than needing each other.

the mentality that needs to consistently drive our marriage relationships—a mentality that doesn’t need the other, yet chooses to rely on them and care for them out of unconditional love, respect, commitment, and honor.

In hindsight, as we look back and try to take ownership of our choices and interactions, we can both openly admit that our walk with God was struggling as well. I was juggling my career and two little babies, all while walking through a serious episode of postpartum depression. John was in the thick of residency, working hours upon hours and facing some major stressors regarding the next steps of his career, all while trying to be there for (depressed) me and the kids. At a time when we both desperately needed God the most, we allowed our relationship with Him to take a backseat to the worries and stresses of life, and our marriage suffered for it.

The bottom line is this: as a believer, your connection with God has a profound influence over your spouse’s life. When you become one through marriage, the God at work in your life is now part of the equation of the influence you have on your spouse’s life.

If you find yourself struggling with spiritual disconnect in your marriage, I encourage you to commit to prayer. Cover your spouse in prayer from head to toe every day. And then, while you wait, commit to becoming the best spouse you can be. Hold on to hope, because your love and prayers alone are more effective than you could ever know.

They can do more together than they can do apart. With the love and support of a good spouse, there is no limit to what you can achieve in this world.

May God give us the strength we need to accept this great gift and the determination to model it to the world around us.

Every marriage goes through its seasons of ups and its seasons of downs. Along the journey of marriage, there are incredible times, unforgettable memories, and intimate experiences, but also times of stress, moments of hurt, and even seasons of grief.

In summer, you come to the difficult realization that you can burn your spouse as quickly as you can get burned by them. You and your spouse can hurt each other in ways you never thought possible. And as the wear and tear of life and children and stress begin to take their toll, you find that the heat of summer can either move your marriage into the heat of irreplaceable commitment and deepened intimacy or the heat of deepened pain.

If passion carried you through spring, and emotions carried you through summer, then communication is what will carry you through fall.

In fall, you’re given the regular opportunity to handle disagreement in a way that will either make you better or make you bitter. You’re exposed to your communication style, and you must choose between being passive, aggressive, or respectfully assertive. You must navigate through the many “walls” that tend to prevent healthy communication and choose to bring them down as you move toward your spouse each day.

For those of you who might be walking through the season of winter, let me remind you that winter is not the end of the road. Emotions may have cooled, and passion may have dwindled, but only for a season. While this may be a time of hibernation, it is also a time of strengthening and preparation. It’s a time of refueling our energy and recalibrating our hearts to the slow and steady hope of healing. It’s the opportunity to choose the actions of love, even when the feelings of love might be lingering far behind. Winter is by far the greatest opportunity to choose marriage, remembering that it is only by pushing through the hard things that we get to take joy in the remarkable things to come. Winter is not the end of the road, dear friends. In fact, maybe it’s only the beginning.

each season of marriage takes you deeper. Each season grows your love. Each season strengthens your commitment. But hear me on this: it’s not the season itself that will make or break your marriage; it’s what you choose to do within that season. In every season we’re given the opportunity to mature, to heal, to grow, to learn, and to change. We’re given the chance to let go of our sin, our weakness, our pride, and our selfishness in exchange for something greater. We’re given the choice to love, to honor, to serve, and to lay down our lives. Time and time again, we’re asked to choose marriage. And in those daily choices we find that, in choosing marriage, we’re also choosing to become better along the way.

The thaw began when each of them decided they would make it a priority to stop looking for the other to change, and instead begin to make change in themselves.

The first step to changing your marriage is to begin changing yourself. Change is contagious, and eventually the change in their individual lives began to fuel the change in their relationship.

Marriage isn’t just about the sacrificial cost; it’s about so much more. It’s about the great gain. It’s about the beautiful exchange that occurs in our lives when we let go of the wrong in exchange for what is right. And ultimately, what we give is nothing compared to what we end up receiving. We’re invited to exchange our selfishness for holiness. Our vulnerability for intimacy. Our pride for humility. Our assumptions for truth. Our insecurities for safety. Our facade for authenticity. Our infatuation for adoration. Our independence for oneness.

Often in life, the hardest things we’re called to do are also the greatest. Choosing marriage is certainly one of those things. May God give us the strength we need to choose the hard things, the grace we need to receive the great things, and the perseverance to become better each step of the way.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Ephesians 3:20-21).