Choosing Marriage: Why It Has to Start with We>Me
Rate it:
Open Preview
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between October 8 - December 29, 2021
32%
Flag icon
Even marriage counselors have hard moments in their marriages. We all hit walls that we must learn to take down, or we decide we’ve reached a dead end. It’s either stop or go. And in every single instance, if we’re committed to making marriage work, we need to choose to push through together and break down the walls.
32%
Flag icon
In my survey of over 1000 married people, over 56 percent reported arguing two to nine times every week. That is a lot of conflict married couples are dealing with on a regular basis.
33%
Flag icon
In the Speaker-Listener Technique, two people are involved—the speaker and the listener. Each person has rules to follow to engage in effective communication. Allow me to summarize this helpful technique with a few of my personal thoughts integrated throughout:9
34%
Flag icon
There’s no wall too high, too strong, or too deep that can’t be overcome with love, with effort, and with the help of our mighty God. In life, and in marriage, we will come face-to-face with all sorts of walls that try to keep us from one another and prevent us from experiencing true intimacy. But Psalm 18:29 says it this way: “With my God I can scale a wall.” I am choosing to hold on to that verse with my whole heart. I believe we serve a God who has the power to give us what we need to begin the process of tearing down the walls of isolation, denial, withdrawal, displacement, invalidation, ...more
34%
Flag icon
In marriage, we’re given the opportunity to destroy our walls and erect altars of intimacy in their place. May our walls begin to fall today.
37%
Flag icon
Pride is the number-one thing that negatively influences arguments, conflict, and tension in a relationship, because “where there is strife, there is pride” (Proverbs 13:10). The two will always go hand in hand.
37%
Flag icon
anyone who is married knows it’s usually not the big things that tend to cause a marital rift.
38%
Flag icon
the bottom line is this wasn’t just about sharing; it was about choosing to respond with love when I had every “right” to be annoyed, frustrated, and hurt. It was about seeking an attitude of reconciliation rather than sitting on the throne of condescendence.
38%
Flag icon
I’ve found that one of the best ways to measure how humble we are is to look at how quick we are to forgive.
40%
Flag icon
I keep a place in my mind and my heart where I remember who my husband really is. And in those moments when I am hurt or annoyed or frustrated, I try to remember who it is I married and what I love most about him. I married a good man, and even on those days when I am feeling hurt, I choose to remember that his mistakes aren’t what define him, but rather, his heart.
40%
Flag icon
Who of us would ever want to be defined by our mistakes? Whether you are dealing with something big or small, it’s important to take a step back and remember that your identity is not wrapped up in the choices you make in the moment (whether bad or good). Your identity is so much deeper than that, because it’s wrapped up in a God who sees your value apart from anything you do or say.
40%
Flag icon
Pride deceives us into thinking we’re better than others. It minimizes our weaknesses and fools us into believing we’re not the type of people who could make “those kinds” of mistakes.
40%
Flag icon
This story is God’s way of reminding His people that this type of toxicity is also found in every single one of us. We are so quick to leave the safety of the unconditional love of God to seek out momentary pleasures.
41%
Flag icon
Holding on to hurts means holding on to the past, and holding on to the past will always keep us from moving forward. Oftentimes we wait for an apology, wait for remorse, or wait for reconciliation. But when we wait for those who have hurt us to change, we end up wasting our lives away, putting control in their hands instead of our own.
41%
Flag icon
please don’t ever mistake forgiveness for forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you ignore harmful behaviors. And forgiveness doesn’t mean you continue to allow unhealthy patterns without enforcing consequences and boundaries. Forgiveness isn’t given because you’re okay with what happened.
42%
Flag icon
we can often give an apology with our lips, while our hearts are far from being apologetic.
42%
Flag icon
When it comes to a meaningful apology, it’s important to start with what it is you’re sorry for.
42%
Flag icon
confessing your wrongdoing not only signifies that you’re taking responsibility for your actions and your contribution to the problem, but also ensures that you and your partner are both on the same page.
42%
Flag icon
It’s also important to avoid vague terminology, and instead be specific about what it is you regret doing.
42%
Flag icon
After you acknowledge what you did, you’ve got to move into how it affected the person standing before you.
42%
Flag icon
Acknowledging the feelings behind the conflict is one of the most important conflict resolution skills a counselor will teach you in marriage or premarriage therapy.
42%
Flag icon
sincere apology not only acknowledges what has been done and explains why it was hurtful, but then expresses what is going to happen to keep it from happening in the future.
43%
Flag icon
The last part to the apology is the simplest, yet the most humbling. Once you’ve acknowledged what you did, explained why it was hurtful, and expressed how you’re moving forward, it’s time to ask for forgiveness.
45%
Flag icon
I didn’t think marriage would be this hard, because in reality the easy part is committing your life to someone in front of hundreds of people. The hard part comes two weeks later, when you actually have to follow through on your promise to love someone more than you love yourself for the rest of your life.”
49%
Flag icon
I know one young man who is currently dealing with the verbal “stings” his mother-in-law tends to throw his way through subtle criticism. But rather than allow that interaction to destroy their marriage, he and his wife have learned to come together, take each other’s side, and set boundaries for the type of interactions they choose to engage in with her. Even in these types of situations, we need to learn to “choose marriage” for our relationships to come out better and stronger.
49%
Flag icon
The very same personality traits that draw you to someone initially are the exact traits that can cause conflict and strife later on in your relationship.
49%
Flag icon
what you see in dating, you will always see in marriage. But in marriage, it gets magnified—for better or for worse.
50%
Flag icon
From his perspective, even though he was deeply concerned, he didn’t want to show any signs of panic for fear it would get me worked up even more. He was trying to protect me from feeling fear and anxiety.
50%
Flag icon
It takes a serious commitment to understand each other by way of communication to allow our personality differences to become an asset rather than a point of contention. Whether we are extroverted or introverted, laid-back or motivated, a thinker or a feeler, a leader or a follower, the many different layers to our personalities need to be both understood and expressed throughout marriage.
51%
Flag icon
In this world, we will face troubles. Troubles in our lives, troubles in our relationships, troubles in our jobs, and troubles in our marriages. But above and beyond all these troubles, we serve a God who leaves us with peace in knowing that He is so much greater than any trouble we will ever face.
53%
Flag icon
“The circle,” he said, “is a reminder of the importance of drawing a line around your marriage. A barrier of protection; the boundaries that will keep your marriage strong.”
53%
Flag icon
adding the word Christian in front of the term marriage doesn’t make you—or anyone else—less susceptible to the struggles you will face and the “intruders” that you’ll battle.
53%
Flag icon
To protect your marriage, you have to be deliberate about drawing a circle of boundaries around it from the moment it begins, keeping it safe from within and protected from without.
53%
Flag icon
All throughout Scripture we find the concept of boundaries being modeled in how God interacts with us, His beloved bride. Because of His deep love for us and in His desire to pursue an intimate relationship with us, He sets limits for us that help our hearts stay aligned with His.
55%
Flag icon
You’ve got to be proactive in protecting your vision when you have the chance.” The very same line of thinking applies to relationships: no one ever plans to make a mistake. No one goes into marriage anticipating that something detrimental might someday occur. Putting boundaries in place is the very thing that helps us protect our marriage from what could cause major damage.
55%
Flag icon
you’re in a good place right now in your relationship, this is the best time to think through what your boundaries are and how you’ll work to achieve those boundaries as a couple.
56%
Flag icon
Even when our communication is thriving at home, and our priorities are in the right place, there needs to be great caution when sharing our hearts with someone of the opposite sex. Some parts of us are magnetic when shared with another, and for that reason they should be shared with only our spouse.
56%
Flag icon
Not only can venting to others keep us from having these important conversations with our spouse, but consistently speaking negatively about our spouse with others outside the marriage can cause major damage to our spouse’s relationship with our family and friends.
57%
Flag icon
Venting to friends and family can cause damage to our spouse’s relationships with those very people, because while we often move on and experience reconciliation, those negative things we shared are “seared” into their memories indefinitely.
60%
Flag icon
If we’re not careful to set boundaries around our time, we’ll find it slowly slipping away. It’s important for us to prioritize where we allow our time to go or we’ll find that we’ve quickly exchanged the intimate for the inanimate.
61%
Flag icon
Everything of value is worth protecting, and the gift of marriage is one of the most valuable things you’ll ever be given. So in our actions, behaviors, and interactions—let’s choose marriage.
62%
Flag icon
“Everyone is going through something, but no one posts pictures of their tears.”
62%
Flag icon
comparison is the greatest enemy of joy.
62%
Flag icon
Pastor Steven Furtick says it like this: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
62%
Flag icon
Marriage is an invitation to share in that brokenness. It’s an opportunity to shed our facade and get real with who we are and what we’re struggling with.
62%
Flag icon
Marriage is our time to declare that, though we will struggle, we will no longer struggle alone.
63%
Flag icon
To be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. A deep and incomparable love awaits those who are willing to live in transparency and authenticity.
73%
Flag icon
It’s important to remember that every marriage is unique. But you can’t consider the other until you understand the other, which is why communication is such an important part of this process.
76%
Flag icon
That’s how we stop sin in its tracks: by learning to concentrate on the good and eliminate all else from our lives.
77%
Flag icon
One thing I especially love about the Song of Solomon is the way the couple spends time “concentrating” on the good in each other.