Sinner (Priest, #2)

by Sierra Simone

“I’m not asking for a proposal, Sean, or even a boyfri...

“Yeah, but se...

She sits on the coffee table in front of me, her flip-flopped feet crowding against my dress shoes and her jumper-clad knees rubbing against ...

“Will you let me at least explain...

I’m so distracted by the feeling of her knees brushing against mine that I can bare...

“O...

she says, taking a breath and then blowing it out in a nervous huff and sending a lone curl ...

“So here’s the thing. I’m going to become a novice soon, in about four weeks. And even though it’s not the final step, it’s still a very big step. Maybe the biggest. I’ll put on a wedding dress and change my name. At the end of the semester, I’ll move out of my dorm room and into the monastery full time; I’ll start wearing the habit. It’ll be the end of my life as Zenny and the beginning of my life as a bride of Christ. “All of the other sisters—and the novice mistress and the prioress—they’ve told me to expect periods of intense temptation and doubt before I go through the novice process...

“I—okay. That seems like the exact opposite reason to have sex wit...

“You’re not a st...

she says, smiling—and fuck, that smile. Huge and sweet and so ...

“But I can see why it doesn’t make sense yet. The thing is that I feel like I should be doubting, I should be tempted to leave, and I’m worried about the fact that I’m not. I...

I can feel my brows pull...

“I mean, I personally think that anyone who believes without doubt is lying to themselves, but surely that’s the goal,...

Her smile grows bigger, as if I’ve said something that...

“See? That’s exactly what I’m l...

“Wait—...

“The whole ‘you’re lying to yourself’ thing! The whole ‘God isn’t real and you’re wasting your life’ thing! I feel like if being around anyone c...

I…I don’t know if I like that. I don’t know why, because if you’d asked me an hour ago whether I’d like to keep innocent people from wasting their lives on a fake deity (and a corresponding religious bureaucracy that doesn’t give a shit about them), the answer would be yes. Hell yes, even. But now that I’m in front of the hypothetical innocent person, hearing her say I’m good for making her doubt the thi...

“I think that a belief tested by doubt is the strongest possible belief, and my novice mistress agrees. She also thin...

there’s heat in Zenny’s face as she looks down at where our ...

enough, um, experience to actually face what I’ll be giving up to join the sisters. She thinks I need to taste more of th...

I’m still processing being Make Me Doubt Guy, and so it takes me a moment to sift t...

“Your novice mistress is telling you ...

Zenny looks up at me, and she’s trying to be cool and worldly as she talks, but the shy flick of her eyes away from my own betrays her. This topic clearly makes her bashful, which is rather charming considering how d...

“She is kind of an unconventional woman and a very unconventional nun. But being a virgin isn’t a requirement for joining a monastery—celibacy is only a requirement fo...

“Will they still let you take your vows if you’ve had recent, uh, ‘t...

Zenny laughs a...

“Like I said, I have an unconventional novice mistress and my prioress is very, well, modern. She says she’d rather have women who choose this life i...

I have to concede that’s a fairly wise perspective on religious life—if anything about religious life can be called wise and ...

“Okay, so you feel like you haven’t, I don’t know, thoroughly interrogated this choice or whatever because you haven’t had doubts, and your mentors have encouraged you to go...

“W...

Zenny says, flexing her hands on her knees an...

“it’s more like they think I’m so certain because I haven’t actually confronted what I’m leaving behind. And that’s not just sex. It’s money and close relationships and freedom and frivolou...

she explains, her eyes finding...

“I want someone to show me everything I’m going to miss. I want someone to challenge me and test me. And if I’ve tasted everything the world has to offer and I still want to consecrate my life to Christ, then I’ll know it’s what I’m truly meant to do...

Her eyes are hypnotic, the copper rims darkening into pools so deep that I can barely separate where they bl...

“If you really wa...

I say, feeling almost dizzy loo...

“you should find a boy your own age. Or shit, at least a boy who believes in ...

She shakes her head, and it finally breaks the spell. I stand up abruptly, going over to the window, because I can’t handle looking at her, being so close to her. Not when she’s asking for what she’s asking for, which is something I’d fork over my own soul to give her. Unfortunately, that would almost certainly be the price. Not my soul per se, since ...

“It has to b...

she pleads to ...

“I’ve been trying to take the Reverend Mother’s advice for the last six months. Wearing street clothes instead of my uniform to school, trying to flirt with the guys in class, even saying yes to a couple of dates, but no one interested me. No one challenged me. In fact, most of the guys I interacted with only reaffirmed that I wasn’t missing anything good. I never even got as far as kissing them, and that night at Elijah’s gala—it was me saying goodbye to the whole plan. I’d have that one last time to get dressed up and drink and pretend, and then I’d give up this idea of searc...

I don’t believe in a god, so I obviously don’t believe in any predestination, “this is God’s path for me” crap, but by dint of the situation and my vested interest in trying to maintain a sembla...

“Surely that’s the right answer. Surely you should gi...

“But see, then I ...

Zenny says, and her voice goes so soft and low that I turn to look at her. Her face glows up at me with a kind of self-deprecating helplessness, like she knows how silly it all sounds and yet she ca...

“I saw you, and you were the first boy I ever wanted, Sean. When I was a little girl, I thought we’d get married; when I was old enough to have a real crush, I had a crush on you. When I was in high school, it was you that my body first wanted. A...

I’m greedy for this idea of her having a crush on me, of her wanting me with all this shy conviction over the years. The thought of it sends something spinning in my chest like a pinwheel, a...