Suddenly Forbidden (Gray Springs University, #1)

by Ella Fields

“I’m not scared. You and me … like the moon and the stars, we’re permanent.”

He bit my finger playfully, then kissed it, his eyes glowing with specks of gold from the late afternoon sunshine spilling through the crack of his curtains. “I think I’ve been in love with you since I could remember, but it’s changed.” Noticing my sudden concern, he pecked my lips, then continued against them, “Gotten stronger every fucking day, month, and year. To the point where you’ve become a permanent part of me, and I don’t know if I could ever exist without you.”

Sadness encompassed me, washing over my head like a bucket of ice water as it dawned on me that he wasn’t mine to stare at anymore. I shouldn’t even be looking at him like this. Shouldn’t have this picture on my wall, let alone above my bed. Ignoring that newfound, bruising knowledge, I crawled across the bed and hesitantly reached up to touch it. Reverently, I stroked my finger over his lips, remembering how warm and gentle they could be when pressed against mine. Holding my breath, I reached for the edge of the paper, but paused. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t tear it down. I should. But I was desperate not to let go. Not yet, not again. I’m not ready.

I should’ve known he’d move on—that something might happen—instead of foolishly believing we’d end up together again. My heart, even now, refused to listen. It was failing to comprehend what my brain kept repeating to it. That access to its counterpart was now suddenly forbidden. Or maybe, it simply felt too betrayed to care.

He looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Yeah, she didn’t say anything when I went downstairs. She’s sitting at the dining table, though. Want me to drive you guys home?” “Nah, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” He nodded and grabbed my hand, tugging me to him and laying a firm kiss on my lips. “I love you, Daisy June.” My brain turned to mush at his sweet, deep voice saying those words. “I love you.”

“Hey.” Slowly, I sat down beside him. “I’ve, um, gotta go in a minute.” He didn’t answer me, just kept staring straight ahead at a cow who was munching on the grass in the field facing us. “Quinn …” My voice broke. “Please, talk to me.” He made a pained, groaning sound, dropping his head to his bent knees and roughly palming his hair. “This is fucked, Dais. I can’t …” He lifted his head, glassy hazel eyes falling on me. “What the hell am I supposed to do?” “Daisy!” My dad hollered from the Burnell’s drive, but I ignored him. “Just go,” Quinn muttered, turning his head away. “That’s it?” Tears clogged my throat. “You’re just going to stay mad at me and let me leave like this?” “How the hell am I supposed to say goodbye to you, huh?” He almost yelled. “I can’t do that. Ever. I never thought I’d have to. You can’t expect me to just say it like I’ll see you tomorrow as normal. You’re fucking leaving me!” He hardly ever swore, and that he was doing so now had my heart splintering into even more pieces. “I’m sorry. You know I wish I didn’t have to. More than anything.” He blinked, and his shoulders dropped. Then, he pulled me into his arms, resting his head on top of mine as I cried into his soft t-shirt. “Please don’t hate me. I don’t want to go, Quinn. I just … didn’t know how to tell you something that I wish wasn’t real.” “I could never hate you, Dais. Never.” Grabbing my cheeks, his choppy breath ghosted over my parted lips before he took my mouth roughly with his. “This is...

“Okay, sorry. Look, I don’t even know what I wanted to say, really.” A dry laugh slipped past her pouty lips, and she stared at me for a long moment. “I didn’t think I’d see you again. Neither of us did. You believe that, right?” Sniffing and taking a step away from her as fire filled my blood, I said, “I want to. But I also know you liked him. When he was mine.” She blinked, something moving over her face. “I love him. It’s serious.” I could feel myself pale, my whole body probably turned whiter than snow. My vocal cords weren’t working properly, but I croaked out, “Cool, have fun with that.” I walked away, muttering under my breath, “Boyfriend stealing ninja.” “What?” she asked. Surprised she heard, but not really caring, I flipped her off with both hands over my head. She just laughed. Like this was all a joke we could have a good giggle over and forget about.

Enraged, I stomped over the grass to my dorm, throwing open the door and marching up the stairs. I could believe she thought she’d never see me again. Hell, I could believe even Quinn thought that, but still, it felt wrong. What they’d done to me felt too big a betrayal to simply accept and move on with a cheery smile and a, “I totally get it. Let’s catch up and have lunch sometime. Hang out like we used to.”

When I finally drew my first picture, they gave my phone back. Only, when I switched it on, I found just three missed calls. One from Alexis a few days ago. One from Quinn three weeks ago. And another from him two weeks ago.

Bitterness, desperation, and a huge amount of fear had me making an impulsive decision. Yet deep down, I knew I should make it anyway. I got a new number and decided to keep my heart on hold. I vowed to still be the best version of myself I could be when I saw him again. The same girl he fell in love with.

This feeling of waking yet still dreaming flogged every one of my senses, making my skin burn from the inside out as my mind tangled with threads from the past. My eyes shut, and I dragged in a slow breath, releasing it as quietly as possible. Right now, I was struggling. Unable to look at the young woman in bed beside me when my thoughts insisted on traveling someplace else. A place I thought I’d blocked out, that I had under lock and key. A place that was both old and new and now entirely forbidden. I wouldn’t be that guy. I’d promised myself I had it under control. Not seeing her helped that. I thought I was fine. But seeing her last night, or rather, knowing that she might now move on too, well, it rattled me. Made me realize this was no longer about my simple plan to live, love with what I have left, and survive. This could turn into an all-out war.

I’d always thought she was attractive. But I was a guy who no longer owned his heart, and so I never did more than briefly acknowledge it. As soon as I did, long after my heart was left bleeding at my feet one sunny afternoon, the attraction grew. Raging like a long-forgotten inferno deep in my gut. Though, in hindsight, maybe it was more of a burning desire for revenge. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I didn’t expect to lose the remaining parts of my heart to someone else.

Warmth hit my hand, which was resting on the arm of the chair, or more like holding it in a death grip. Quinn gently pried my fingers off the plastic. “You’re tense.” “Uh-huh.” He knew why, but his fingers didn’t let go. Instead, he wrapped his hand around mine between our chairs. I glanced at him, horrified and elated. “Quinn.” “Mmm?” He was studying our hands, turning mine over to lay flush against his palm. “How much have you had to drink?” He met my gaze and grinned. “Not too much.” He was lying. Maybe he wasn’t drunk, but he definitely wasn’t anywhere near sober. Not my problem. But it wasn’t like him, and I couldn’t help but wonder what had him doing something he usually wouldn’t.

“You know,” he said after a minute. “The moon and stars look different out here.” Staring at him, I didn’t know what to say as I swam in the sea of his eyes. “They’re not as clear, and it gets murky. Things block them, intruding on the view.” “Oh? I hadn’t noticed.” I swallowed, my beer almost slipping out of my sweaty hand. He leaned in until I could smell him and the beer on his breath. “Liar. I miss you.” “Quinn, you’re drunk.” His head shook, blond strands sprinkling onto his forehead. “I’m not, but I just can’t stop looking. The sky. You.” His tongue darted out, wetting his bottom lip. “Why can’t I ever stop looking?”

“Don’t do that.” His chest was noticeably rising and falling, his breath clouding the air between us. “Do what?” I went to take a step back, needing to breathe without inhaling him, and almost tripped over the garden ledge. Hands grabbed my waist, and I was once again too damn close. “Don’t just walk away from me.” I didn’t know what to do. His hands held my hips firmly; his thumbs shifting over the material of my dress made my stomach spasm violently. Feeling a bit lightheaded, I went to move his hands off me when one of them lifted to my cheek, palming it gently. Meeting his gaze, I barely had two seconds to catch a much-needed breath before his lips descended, crashing into mine. I forgot what we were talking about, or what we should be doing. But it was most definitely not this. Everything fell away. It was only the firm press of his lips on mine, the hand that drifted to the back of my head, tilting it as his tongue separated my lips, invading my mouth and every one of my taste buds. He tasted like beer but also just like I remembered. My hands clenched at his shirt, my tongue melting into his as my heartbeat echoed in the far-off distance, and my lungs screamed for air. I’d go without it. I didn’t need air. I just needed this. “Daisy? You out here?” The world returned, and I pulled away, almost stumbling into the garden again before Quinn caught me. I let go of him, keeping my gaze fixed on the ground as I tried to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the othe...

“What’re you drawing?” I couldn’t make out what it was, her hand was moving over it this way and that, too fast for me to see. “Toby and Pippa,” she said without stopping. And there they were. I looked from the almost exact replica of them taking shape beside me over to the couple seated on the other side of the couch. Toby’s arm was around Pippa’s shoulders, his fingers playing with the tips of her hair. Her head was resting on his shoulder. At that moment, with how comfortable they seemed, they looked like they’d been together for years, rather than just getting to know each other.

“Daisy?” Pippa called out just as Daisy finished drawing. She blew on the ink, and I couldn’t help the shiver that coursed through me like a flicker of lightning. Her tiny hand folded over my fingers, closing my hand into a fist. “Don’t open it until I’m gone.” Her brown eyes stayed locked on mine a second, her voice filled with nerves. “Promise?” It was all I could do to answer and not pull her into my lap. “Promise,” I rasped. Pippa came outside, and Toby said something about walking them back to their dorm. I think I nodded, but the ink on my palm felt hot. As if it was burning me. I opened my hand, finding a mini constellation etched onto my skin. With my heart sticking to the roof of my mouth, I looked up just in time to see Daisy walk out of sight. Alexis’s earlier words echoed in my head. Meant a lot to each other. We more than meant a lot to each other. We were the breeze that ruffled the dandelions. The sun that scorched our skin red until we searched for reprieve under our favorite willow tree. And underneath the stretch of dark skies, we were each other’s stars. I was beginning to think I was an idiot for hoping those things would fade.

“You smell and taste like my heart,” he whispered to the underside of my chin, pressing lazy kisses. “And you feel like fucking heaven.”