The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

1s are called Perfectionists, but they don’t like that title. They struggle with anger but they turn it in on themselves so it becomes resentment. Ones have a hard time believing that they are good enough or worthy because of a constant inner voice that finds fault with everything they do, so they settle for being right or correct.

They believe every step of a task should be done correctly, so they give their best, do their best, offer their best, and they expect the same from others.

Your stress number is not necessarily a negative move—you need the behavior of the number you go to in stress to take care of yourself.

“Vulnerability is the idea that in order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen—really seen.”

Eights rarely regret confrontation. They rely on the energy they get from their need to be independent, but they often miss the reality that their aggression overshadows their intent.

Eights aren’t afraid to feel—they’re afraid their feelings will betray them.

1s: Eights are committed and energetic like Ones, but they don’t share the same focus: Ones generally focus on the problem, and Eights focus on the solution.

When Nines are able to entertain the idea that their presence matters, it has a positive effect on all of their encounters with others, especially those they love the most.

When I understand that I am averse to even healthy conflict, and healthy conflict actually produces intimacy,

that insight lets me take intentional steps toward exploring and experiencing conflict when necessary to mitigate some of the weaker or more difficult aspects of my personality.

redefine sloth: “It’s not lazy—it’s getting busy doing something that keeps you from doing what you ought to be doing.”

When a decision to act includes potential for conflict and negative consequences, yet the action is chosen anyway, this is considered right action.

If you’re in a relationship with Ones, know that you will have to contend with a critic that you can’t hear, but that finds fault with most of what Ones do and think, and tells them they are flawed in some terrible, unredeemable way.

Unfortunately, their method of coping is to find fault in others—often finding fault in you.

1 After finishing a project, Ones often focus on what could have been done better instead of celebrating its completion.

When Ones are angry at something, they turn that anger in on themselves first and it feels like shame—shame about the faults and failings of themselves and others. Shame adds a bitter quality that results in a complex resentment, something others need to understand in relationship with Ones.

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

Keep in mind that Ones are also much harder on themselves than they are on anyone else, and that they deeply regret it when their patience is limited and their expectations are unreasonable—especially

Ones feel deeply about what they do and how well they respond in each situation.

In fact, often what Ones mistake for thinking is merely responding to their inner critic’s prompts.

If Ones can balance doing with awareness of feelings and some thoughtful discernment, they might make different choices.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

Once this pattern is set in motion, they only understand their own goodness by how well they measure up to what others define as good. After a time, rules, standards, and directives become the boundaries that determine how Ones evaluate the success or failure of their day.

Unfortunately, Ones often tell me that they can’t live up to the standards they set for themselves, and the potential for making everything better seems to follow them like a shadow.

In a relationship with a One, honesty is essential, but telling them that they are good in ways that they can hear it is the greater gift. Do it as often as you can in all the ways you can.

I have a good friend who is a One who says, “When the world is going to hell, I clean my bathroom.”

In times of stress, Ones move to Four, where they can get in touch with a different way of experiencing and expressing their feelings. With Four energy, they don’t have to accept the notion that they are bad or corrupt or lazy or stupid (a few of the labels Ones reserve for themselves). Instead, they can get in touch with some feelings that don’t need fixing. This is good—the critic cannot be as loud about feelings as it is about actions, so the One will get a reprieve. Then they can regroup and reconnect with the world in a much healthier way.

However, perpetual dissatisfaction opens the door to using improvement as the measure in most aspects of the relationship. Truly, some things are good enough as they are.

Ones and Threes both want to get things done, and both want to be the best. But Threes cut corners, while Ones believe every step of a task should be done correctly. Ones need to be careful about judging different paths toward the same goal.

The emotional needs of Ones are often repressed, so Ones can learn from Fours how to focus on feelings rather than falling into the pattern of dualistic thinking.

On the more positive side, Ones appreciate that Eights are so free while Eights admire the discipline of Ones.

Ones tend to overdo their effort to do things well—they overthink, overtalk, overevaluate, and overplan. This tendency to go over-the-top is due to their honest and deep desire to do things right.

so they will have to be careful that the high standards they set for themselves don’t become unreasonable expectations for others.

Ones also need to learn to recognize when things are good enough and leave it at that.

Ones struggle to accept the reality that there are certain things they must accept.

make every effort to leave everything better than you found it, though you can’t do it alone.

your way is not the only right way.

Ones tend to offer more criticism than praise, so they will likely be more verbal about what you do wrong than about the things you get right. Teach them that praise often works better for you.

Admit your mistakes in the relationship.

When you’re in conflict with a One, let them know that you want to resolve it. They will need to hear that you are committed to working things through.

Ones like order, so it will help if you honor that in the spaces you share with them.

Support vacations and time away from work and responsibilities, encourage downtime at home, and help them verbally process their day.

Twos feel the feelings of others and find it very difficult to tell you what they actually feel. That’s a hard truth with many implications for a relationship with a Two.

Their fear is primarily because their self-worth is determined by their giving. If they have nothing left to offer, they struggle to know whether they have any value at all.

Twos often go after the one they don’t have, risking relationships with others in the process.

the Two response is usually to cover their loneliness by doubling their efforts to help.

Twos probably have more and deeper connections with people than other numbers tend to have, and yet it doesn’t seem to satisfy.

They work very hard to be who they think you want them to be. They can adapt quickly but they can only inhabit one role at a time, so casual relationships suffer when Threes are with people from several different parts of their lives at the same time.

Threes keep believing that they are loved for what they do instead of who they are.

With such a focus on doing, Threes neglect being, and end up disregarding some of the most important elements in any relationship: being present, being who they really are, being with others, and being available.