The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

It can feel like Eights don’t care about us, but the fact is they simply aren’t thinking about us—they are thinking about what needs to be done next.

Eights abhor weakness in themselves and those close to them, so if they can’t distinguish between being vulnerable and being weak, they avoid both.

To be friends with an Eight, you

will need to be trustworthy and safe, and the relationship needs to be reliable but free of expectations.

The main thing to keep in mind in relationship with Eights is that their aggression is not personal. They mean no harm, so don’t be misled by their strong opinions and passions.

Nines have the ability to disconnect in any relationship.

When Nines are able to entertain the idea that their presence matters, it has a positive effect on all of their encounters with others, especially those they love the most.

Nines get energy from avoiding what needs to be done. In fact, some of their best thoughts or most creative thinking happens while they are avoiding the tasks that, for one reason or another, require their immediate attention.

Not so with passive-aggressive Nines. They’re quietly stubborn—perhaps the most stubborn number on the Enneagram. They refuse to be nagged or pushed or coerced into doing anything, so if that’s your method in relating to a Nine you will experience a lot of frustration and disappointment with very little success.

7s: Nines and Sevens share a wonderful view of the world. Both are open-minded and share an appreciation for diversity.

Nines see two sides to everything, for better and for worse. This makes it very difficult for Nines to make a decision, which leads to merging in relationships.

If you’re in a relationship with Ones, know that you will have to contend with a critic that you can’t hear, but that finds fault with most of what Ones do and think, and tells them they are flawed in some terrible, unredeemable way. Unfortunately, their method of coping is to find fault in others—often finding fault in you. They believe criticism is caring, so they have to be taught that not everybody feels the same way about being corrected or encouraged to seek improvement.

When Ones are angry at something, they turn that anger in on themselves first and it feels like shame—shame about the faults and failings of themselves and others. Shame adds a bitter quality that results in a complex resentment, something others need to understand in relationship with Ones.

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

Ones tend to see life in terms of responsibility and work. They are focused on whatever is happening right in front of them and then try to respond appropriately by doing whatever the situation requires.

In fact, often what Ones mistake for thinking is merely

responding to their inner critic’s prompts.

Ones always know something else needs to be done, so we don’t give ourselves any space to relax. And what that does unintentionally in relationships is it doesn’t allow the other people around us to relax either. So, if I’m in the house, whether I’m saying anything or not, and I’m all jittery because I know I still have a couple of things on my to-do list, I can’t be still. There is no reason why those things couldn’t be done tomorrow. They don’t have to be done today, but I’m thinking, “I have a little block of time and I should get that thing done.” When I respond to that urge to keep

doing, I send a message to everyone in my household that they can’t relax either. “If I’m working you guys need to be working. If I’m not calm you guys can’t be calm either.”

When Ones are feeling secure they have access to Seven energy and behavior, and that allows them to relax a little. They can look at life and work and relationships with less judgment and more acceptance and peace. And they can allow themselves to have some fun.

3s: Ones and Threes both want to get things done, and both want to be the best. But Threes cut corners, while Ones believe every step of a task should be done correctly. Ones need to be careful about judging different paths toward the same goal.

Ones need to avoid making assumptions about what others are thinking.

Ones need to keep in mind that their way isn’t the only right way.

Sevens need the discipline of Ones, and Ones need the flexibility and spontaneity of Sevens. With some awareness they can be a great team.

9s: Ones have a lot in common with Nines: both repress anger, though for different reasons. They both also like to ruminate about decisions for a long time, so be aware that someone will have to step up when the time comes for action.

Ones tend to overdo their effort to do things well—they overthink, overtalk, overevaluate, and overplan. This tendency to go over-the-top is due to their honest and deep desire to do things right. Ones are wonderfully responsible people, but when they take on too much responsibility for themselves and for others, they may experience some anger and resentment.

Most of us are just not as observant as Ones. They are aware of themselves, other people, and their surroundings. This kind of awareness can be a gift for everyone, but it can also become limiting.

they can be hard on other people and themselves, and they find it hard to lighten up, even when they sense they should.

Ones

Ones appreciate equity—they work hard and they expect the same from you.

Ones like to be appreciated for all of their effort, so they tend to like cards and notes and accolades and small gifts.

Twos don’t know who they are unless they get that information from someone else.

From the perspective of the Two, they give until they’re empty, and then they return to their own lives tired and lacking any energy to care for themselves.

Twos probably have more and deeper connections with people than other numbers tend to have, and yet it doesn’t seem to satisfy.

Ironically, the people Twos love the most get the leftovers—Twos trust that their closest relationships will always be there, so they short them on time and attention. Twos give too much to others and return to their own lives feeling tired, empty, and taken for granted, which leaves very little time or energy to care for themselves.

Twos can only process verbally. They don’t think things through—they talk

Threes have the gift and the burden of being able to adapt themselves to any person or group.

3 Competition motivates Threes.

Threes are personable but they are seldom personal, even with those who are closest to them.

Threes and Ones are both all about getting things done, but Threes accomplish that by cutting corners whereas Ones believe every step of a task should be done correctly. It is helpful if Threes can be patient with the One’s desire to check every step and engage in even a brief conversation about what was accomplished together.

Threes tend to want to make things happen. Nines hang back and allow things to happen. Both are good, depending on the situation. Nines often need the energy and direction of Threes, and Threes need a Nine’s sense of holy delay.

Threes cannot tolerate feeling uninformed or inadequate. This is a result of their propensity for comparison and competition.

Threes don’t like to be wrong, so they justify their behavior by reframing the story—and they are good at it, often believing the story themselves.

At some point in childhood they came to believe that it was not okay to have their own feelings and their own identity. In relationships with family and authority figures, Threes were convinced that it would be

better to put their feelings aside and become what people around them expected and would applaud as desirable and successful. So they began to develop their innate ability to be whatever is called for.

Imagine the vulnerability of that in a relationship. Twos hide their vulnerability with being needed and helpful, Fours hide it by pulling you toward them and then pushing you away, and Threes hide it by overachieving.

More often than not, work is the center of a Three’s life.

At the same time, we can all learn to stretch ourselves in ways that are unfamiliar or uncomfortable for the care of another and the good of a valuable relationship.

When you encounter a Four who is a little too emotional and overly invested in their own perceptions, they are acting out this desire to be authentic and real.

Average Fours often use their energy to maintain a self-image based on feelings and daydreams and stories from the past.

Fours overshare, overexplain, and overtalk—creating a sense of obligation that others simply can’t meet.