The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Fours want to avoid being ordinary because it is one way they protect their authenticity. They often avoid what is current and conventional and what we might call normal, seeking instead to try to describe how they see the world.

1s: Ones often struggle with repressed emotions, so Fours can teach Ones to connect to their feelings as opposed to being trapped in right/wrong thinking. Ones can help Fours identify when their feelings transition from authentic to self-indulgent.

Sevens can learn from Fours that many good things happen in the darker side of emotion, and Fours can learn from Sevens to welcome and appreciate joy.

But if the Eight can be emotionally vulnerable and the Four can avoid being dramatic, these two can build an interesting relationship.

When Fours experience some security, they take on One behavior. They are more disciplined, more productive, and even more creative in this space. The One influence that is most helpful to Fours is the ability to have feelings without expressing them and without acting on them.

Fours find meaning best expressed through stories, symbols, liturgy, art, music, and tradition.

Fours often pursue relationships they can’t have. I suspect the way they are drawn to unattainable relationships is a kind of misguided and probably unconscious form of self-protection. They seem to believe that if they pursue someone who is unavailable and they are unsuccessful, it will be less painful than desiring a relationship with someone who is available but who may not choose to make a connection with them.

Unfortunately, the great fear of the Four is abandonment, so when people give pause or seem to go away, it justifies the Four’s belief that they are unworthy of both love and relationship.

When Fours trust the relationship, they can accommodate your awareness of their uniqueness without feeling that their authenticity was sacrificed.

Fours feel like they aren’t good enough or aren’t liked, and they need you to acknowledge their feelings. Affirm that the feeling is valid for them without affirming the premise it is based on. Remind them that you see them as someone more competent, valuable, and lovable than they are seeing themselves in the moment.

Fives are in the Fear Triad on the left side of the Enneagram and they manage their fear by gathering information and knowledge.

That information is usually shared thoughtfully and methodically. It’s standard for them to withhold pieces of information, share their feelings with only one or two people, and manage their reactions with thinking.

Other people will have to learn that for Fives, time alone is a must if they are going to be comfortable offering themselves and their gifts to the world.

Because of this high value on privacy and independence, Fives have a limited capacity for interaction with other people, which is a significant obstacle in relationships. It also means they tend to struggle with having a limited amount of energy.

Fives tend to maintain the status quo: they avoid change and risk, and they manage both their fear and their limited energy with restricted involvement in the outside world.

For Fives, relating to people is costly. It is not uncommon for them to need an entire day of solitude after being available and present to others.

If you’re in a relationship with a Five, don’t push them to socialize with other people. That has to come naturally for them; they don’t do well when pushed.

In response to fear, the motivation for Sixes is to feel safe and to be secure.

Sixes are loyal, consistently striving to do their part, and they want to be part of something that is bigger than they are.

We all experience fear in ways that are associated with our types. As a Two, I am afraid people won’t want me. Nines are afraid of conflict. Eights are afraid of being controlled. But for Sixes, fear itself is the preoccupation, and they are always asking, “What if?”

Sixes appreciate order, plans, and rules because they all provide a modicum of security.

Nines can easily fall into a routine and stay there without giving much, if any, thought to what might go wrong. Fives like routine because it helps them manage their limited amount of energy. Sixes not only like routines, they find safety in them.

When Sixes are in a relationship with a One, their anxiety is often increased because they never feel good enough. This needs to be acknowledged and discussed, otherwise the One will feel like they are alone in trying to get things done.

Sevens go into their heads and imagine the future better than it will be. Sixes go into their heads and imagine it worse. Both can learn to use this dynamic to their advantage in relationships.

If you are in relationship with a Six who is stressed and they trust you, they will ask what you think is an appropriate response to their anxiety. Be sure to offer the best you have, but don’t attach value to whether the Six follows your advice.

Sixes are sincere in their desire to always do their part, but sometimes they fail to honor their priorities because they underestimate the time required to manage responsibilities and commitments.

Some say that Sixes just want to blend in. I don’t think that’s true—I think you do want to be noticed, but you aren’t always willing to take the necessary

Sixes have a deep appreciation for people who are both genuine and authentic, but they don’t trust appearances.

At home Sixes need emotional attentiveness and conversation. They need someone who is a partner in the everyday details of life.

All Sevens are motivated by a need to be happy and avoid pain. Immature or average Sevens often dismiss the importance of emotions in themselves and in others. They see the world as their playground, and they are happiest when they are on the move, enjoying life, and going from one activity to the next. They’d rather not deal with anything unpleasant or uncomfortable.

Sevens are typically energetic and charming people.

Sevens think and then they do, without even a nod to feelings. They have to be taught to consider the feelings of others and the consequences of their behavior.

When they experience frustration or feel needy, Sevens intuitively start moving, seeking external gratification. Part of their journey toward transformation involves changing that pattern of behavior and turning inward.

Sevens change sad feelings into something more positive easily and quickly. With some maturity, they are able to hold sadness or fear before remaking the experience into something that is more comfortable. But until then, they repress sad or negative feelings.

Sevens can learn from observing Ones in relation to boundaries, self-control, and completing tasks. Ones can benefit from the lightheartedness and spontaneity of Sevens. It’s a good exchange.

Sevens fear commitment, routine, and predictability.

Sevens and Nines offer one another a unique kind of balance because Sevens love options and Nines find too many choices to be paralyzing.

Sevens avoid pain of all kinds, but especially the pain of being trapped in the predictability of a routine. The thought of emotional or physical pain that can’t be managed or controlled is almost unbearable, and they don’t know how to make life work in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t be happy.

A Seven’s need for optimism is directly connected to their desire to believe that the world is safe, people are good, and their needs will be taken care of.

It has been very helpful for the Sevens I know to learn and commit to a contemplative practice such as meditation or centering prayer.

Sevens need the other person in the relationship to have his or her own energy and interests.

Sevens love to be with people, and they really value time alone.