The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

people might actually understand you and like you. It could be that you are lovable and that you are enough.

It is very important that you tell Fours how their mood changes affect you.

Don’t tell Fours to “cheer up.” They are usually neither sad nor depressed. Fours are comfortable with melancholy. But remember it’s okay for you to be lighthearted.

If you can learn to model balance and stay present when they are caught in a cycle of moodiness, ...

Fours don’t like accusations (perhaps none of us do). Don’t accuse them of being too sen...

Fours feel like they aren’t good enough or aren’t liked, and they need you to acknowledge their feelings. Affirm that the feeling is valid for them without affirming the premise it is based on. Remind them that you see them as someone more competent, v...

Don’t take the pull-push dynamic personally. Allow them room to process their feelings.

Fives are in the Fear Triad on the left side of the Enneagram and they manage their fear by gathering information and knowledge. That information is usually shared thoughtfully and methodically. It’s standard for them to withhold pieces of information, share their feelings with only one or two people, and manage their reactions with thinking. Although they are unique in their need for privacy and independence, Fives’ boundaries do allow for the exchange of personal information, but only on their terms.

Their lives are well planned, and spontaneity is neither comfortable nor appealing.

Other people will have to learn that for Fives, time alone is a must if they are going to be comfortable offering themselves and their gifts to the world.

Because of this high value on privacy and independence, Fives have a limited capacity for interaction with other people, which is a significant obstacle in relationships. It also means they tend to struggle with having a limited amount of energy. This is tricky when it comes to getting to know someone.

Sharing personal details takes more energy and leads to more questions, all of which the Five experiences as draining.

In general usage avarice means greed, but as the passion for Fives, it has to do with believing that they don’t have enough inner resources to meet the demands of life, including relationships. Their greed is for privacy and independence.

Relationships are enhanced when Fives can hear and consider ideas or solutions that differ from their own, and when they can accept help from someone else.

Fives often look at life through a lens of scarcity: they withhold their resources so their needs will never present a problem for someone else. But this kind of thinking inhibits the seeking and building of relationships. The idea that your needs are going to be a problem for the people who love and care about you is simply not true.

2s: Fives have a hard time with the effusive affection of Twos. The Two’s way of being in the world seems like a waste of energy to a Five. But Twos are good social models for Fives—they can help others feel wanted and at ease, and they learn to honor personal boundaries.

4s: Perhaps the most challenging personality type on the Enneagram for Fives is Fours since they are opposite in many ways. But if (or when) Fives develop a Four wing, they will find that the connection of head and heart is a real asset in relationships.

When Fives are in excess in their number, their world becomes smaller and smaller. They become less concerned about the needs of others and more concerned about themselves and their overwhelming desire for privacy and security.

Fives tend to maintain the status quo: they avoid change and risk, and they manage both their fear and their limited energy with restricted involvement in the outside world.

It would be wrong to say that Fives don’t need and want relationships. They do. However, they are most comfortable with just one or two close friends outside of family. In fact, sometimes they experience people as intrusive.

It helps to keep in mind that Fives have to be willing to choose participation over observation.

For Fives, relating to people is costly. It is not uncommon for them to need an entire day of solitude after being available and present to others.

It is brave of Fives to show up—more brave than for any other number. What many of us give from our excess, Fives give from their substance. Even still, Fives should risk being known. They are sure to discover that the mutual benefit in the relationship outweighs their personal cost.

Fives are the only number capable of true neutrality. That’s a gift to offer others.

But you can’t . . . live your life without needing help from others at times. be competent in all areas of life all the time. The need to learn is not incompetence, it’s inexperience. have healthy relationships without risking giving up some of your time, letting go of some of your privacy, and finding a way to offer and receive affection. know everything.

relationships can’t always be on your terms—the needs of others are as real and pronounced as yours.

Fives measure life’s events by how much it will cost them in terms of money, energy, time, privacy, and affection. Fives usually don’t know what to give so they hold back. If you can be aware of that, you can let them know that you notice when they give something without being asked.

Be forthright and direct with Fives,

If you have a problem with a Five, agree on a time to discuss it.

Good language would be, “I want to tell you what I want and then you can tell me wheth...

If you’re in a relationship with a Five, don’t push them to socialize with other people. That has to come naturally for th...

It is very important for Fives to know what is expected of them. They like details.

Fives have a strong desire to live life so that they never have to depend on someone else to take care of them. If they are in a position where they need your care, offer it with as few words and as little fanfare as possible.

phobic Six. She is comfortable being one of a larger group since she is more focused on how we are the same than how we are different. She’s interested in building relationships around common interests, she downplays anything that makes her stand out, and she has a gentle way of being with others—regardless of who they are. Jill likes structure that is familiar and rules instituted by someone else that are proven to be tried and true.

Sixes are loyal, consistently striving to do their part, and they want to be part of something that is bigger than they are.

It is a powerful experience to attempt to take it all in from the perspective of a Six. For them, every news event has a threatening element, creating a need for a plan.

Commercials play on our anxieties and distrust, and all of this is exaggerated for Sixes.

Both are anxious, but phobic Sixes give in to their anxiety and get lost in imagining all the ways the worst could happen, while counterphobic Sixes expect the worst and expend the same energy making a plan for it.

Sixes appreciate order, plans, and rules because they all provide a modicum of security.

Sixes want predictability and hope for certainty, and they cannot count on either.

But problems are exacerbated when a Six travels. Sixes have told me many times that protection is a core need they have in relation to those who are close to them. You can see, then, how when they are away from their normal routine they might be overprotective (phobic) because the routine is abnormal and there are so many unknowns.

There is no problem with Sixes using thinking to gather information from the world. The problem begins when they react too quickly and fail to use clear thinking to process information. Sixes can add to the goodness of their relationships whenever they stop, breathe, and think clearly before falling into the trap of anxiety. Sixes make up things when they become anxious and then react to the story they have manufactured.

2s: The Six’s goal will almost always be about safety while the Two’s goal will always be relational, so they’ll need to agree to be honest about their differences. Additionally, Sixes should be careful about doubting the Two’s motivation for what they do with and for others. Meanwhile, the Two needs to avoid focusing on the mistrust of Sixes. It can be messy.

When stressed, Sixes respond first by pulling back, and then by checking what they are thinking or feeling with people they trust because they often don’t trust themselves.

Sixes almost always have an idea or a plan of their own, so when they question other people, they are just gathering information to see if it supports or discredits the decisions they’ve already made.

Sixes are sincere in their desire to always do their part, but sometimes they fail to honor their priorities because they underestimate the time required to manage responsibilities and commitments. So it’s a good idea for Sixes to estimate the time commitment for something and then double it. This helps them to honor their primary commitments to the people they love the most.

Although Sixes have a lot to offer, they hesitate to speak up in real time because they don’t trust themselves. They need time to process what they hear, formulate questions they might want to ask, and evaluate whether their questions or concerns have value for the entire community.

So you’ll need to accept that . . . some things will work out, and if they don’t, you will have everything you need to address whatever situation arises.

Worst-case scenario planning is comforting to Sixes, so take them seriously when they talk to you about what could go wrong. Telling them that they don’t need to worry and that everything is going to be fine will feel patronizing, disrespectful, and dismissive. But do focus on the best possible outcome instead of the worst.

All Sevens are motivated by a need to be happy and avoid pain.