The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

Eights avoid vulnerability to protect themselves emotionally.

Eights aren’t afraid to feel—they’re afraid their feelings will betray them.

The truth is that we need to know ourselves based on how we relate to strangers in order to better understand how we relate to people we are with from day-to-day.

Nines are quiet about their disapproval; they have no desire for anyone to notice their lack of participation.

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

Ones love deeply and well. They do all they can to protect and care for those they are in relationship with. They are thoughtful, careful, mindful, and supportive. But it’s hard to get things right with a One, even in a relationship. Try to remember that their responses have everything to do with how they see, and, through no fault of their own, they see imperfection everywhere.

In fact, often what Ones mistake for thinking is merely responding to their inner critic’s prompts.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

But the more Ones focus on what other people want from them, the more they lose touch with their own needs and desires.

Ones tend to overdo their effort to do things well—they overthink, overtalk, overevaluate, and overplan. This tendency to go over-the-top is due to their honest and deep desire to do things right. Ones are wonderfully responsible people, but when they take on too much responsibility for themselves and for others, they may experience some anger and resentment.

Ones tend to offer more criticism than praise, so they will likely be more verbal about what you do wrong than about the things you get right. Teach them that praise often works better for you.

Twos feel the feelings of others and find it very difficult to tell you what they actually feel.

For Twos, everything is relational. They make their way in the world by connecting with almost every person they encounter and by building a relationship with everyone they can engage on a regular or semi-regular basis. It’s the way Twos know themselves.

Twos believe that everyone is their responsibility in one way or another, and they take pride in meeting the needs of others. That’s the Two’s passion (or sin).

Twos generally don’t see themselves as worthy of needing anyone’s help.

Twos are afraid to express a need or desire because if no one responds, they fear they won’t be able to manage the pain and disappointment.

You can see how this gift for manipulation can lead to Twos seeing themselves as martyrs. And this kind of manipulation and martyrdom is accompanied by anger due to unmet expectations and a feeling of being taken for granted.

From the perspective of the Two, they give until they’re empty, and then they return to their own lives tired and lacking any energy to care for themselves. They feel unappreciated, taken for granted, tired, and afraid. Their fear is primarily because their self-worth is determined by their giving. If they have nothing left to offer, they struggle to know whether they have any value at all.

When Twos begin to describe their feelings with words like drained, resentful, tired, and frustrated, that is often their way of asking for help.

Twos make their way by reading the feelings of others and then doing something in response.

Twos often go after the one they don’t have, risking relationships with others in the process.

When these questions bubble up to the surface, the Two response is usually to cover their loneliness by doubling their efforts to help. Unfortunately, that assumes the other person is always needy.

5s: Twos struggle in this relationship because Fives prefer to keep their thoughts, plans, and ideas to themselves, Twos need to wait until Fives are ready to share information about their lives.

Twos need to look for happiness from the inside out as opposed to expecting it to always come from somewhere or someone outside of themselves. Twos are really good at offering a place for belonging to other people but not to themselves.

Yes, Twos want to make sure everyone has a seat at the table, but they need to be aware that they need to take their seat as well.

When Twos start to feel separated from others, they create circumstances where they will be needed.

Twos assume that any problem in a relationship is their fault.

Twos have to learn to let others make their own free choices and then either suffer or celebrate the consequences.

Twos experience anxiety when they recognize that they are feeling their own feelings. They don’t know a lot about how to act on their own behalf.

Twos can only process verbally. They don’t think things through—they talk their way through them.

Don’t trust their answer when they say they’re fine or good. Pr...

In an intimate relationship, Twos need to hear you say, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing you need to do, there’s nothing you need to be, and there’s nothing you need to help me with. I love you for you.”

Twos need a partner who is demonstrative with affection. It is very reassuring. Twos need a partner who wants to meet and know their friends.

Try to have patience when Twos are overly concerned regarding their relationships with other people. Your impatience with that reality will only add to their insecurity. Anger or disproportionate emotional responses usually signal unmet needs.

Threes have the gift and the burden of being able to adapt themselves to any person or group. They work very hard to be who they think you want them to be.

Threes don’t like to be wrong, so they justify their behavior by reframing the story—and they are good at it, often believing the story themselves.

Fours long so deeply for what they don’t have that they often miss what they do have.

Average Fours often use their energy to maintain a self-image based on feelings and daydreams and stories from the past. In doing so, they may miss more authentic feelings as they arise because they have a habit of creating and then sustaining moods that suit them at the time.

Fours are in the Heart Triad with Twos and Threes. All three numbers need to learn that who you really are has nothing to do with what people think of you and nothing to do with your past.

The truth is that Fours are very special people, but they don’t always know it so they try too hard to create specialness.

Because they repress doing, unhealthy Fours lack stamina and determination. With the added element of shame, they feel incapable of doing anything to change the status quo. This leaves Fours feeling a hopelessness that is difficult for others to address effectively. If you’re close to a Four, you may experience a similar lack of hope when trying to help them.

Bouncing back and forth between wondering what was wrong with her and what was wrong with the people around her, she concluded that it must be about her because they were all the same and she was different.

2s: Twos pursue and Fours flee. That can cause dysfunction in relationships, so be careful.

5s: Fives need space and Fours need intimacy. That will have to be worked out in friendship and other significant relationships. Both do well with honest exchanges.

When Fours experience some security, they take on One behavior. They are more disciplined, more productive, and even more creative in this space.

Fours find meaning best expressed through stories, symbols, liturgy, art, music, and tradition. We can all name Fours we know who offer something that is just a little different from your average fare.

Fours desire belonging more than any other number and live with the illusion that someone else can complete them.

When Fours don’t know how to handle their full expression of feelings—happy, sad, and everything in between—those in relationship with them tend to pull back or withdraw. Unfortunately, the great fear of the Four is abandonment, so when people give pause or seem to go away, it justifies the Four’s belief that they are unworthy of both love and relationship.

When Fours trust the relationship, they can accommodate your awareness of their uniqueness without feeling that their authenticity was sacrificed.

create your own image and express yourself in manifold ways. But not everyone will approve or understand. And that’s okay.