The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

However, in my experience there are two things we have in common: we all want to belong, and we all want our lives to have meaning.

But finding belonging and meaning are dependent on our ability to build and maintain relationships—with people who are like us, and often with those who are not.

This book will help in understanding how each of the nine Enneagram numbers sees the world, how they make sense of what they see, how they decide what to do, and how all of that affects how they relate to others. Of course, because this is a book about relationships, it won’t be tidy—human interaction can be unpredictable and messy. Sometimes we get it right and other times we’re dead wrong. The good news is that with the help of the Enneagram, we can all do better.

1s are called Perfectionists, but they don’t like that title. They struggle with anger but they turn it in on themselves so it becomes resentment. Ones have a hard time believing that they are good enough or worthy because of a constant inner voice that finds fault with everything they do, so they settle for being right or correct. Ones have a judging/comparing mind. They notice error that others don’t see and they often feel a personal responsibility to correct it. They believe every step of a task should be done correctly, so they give their best, do their best,

2s are called Helpers or Givers. They need to be needed. Twos give a lot, sometimes for altruistic reasons and sometimes in order to receive in return, although it is usually a subconscious motivation. When Twos enter a room their attention automatically turns to others and asks, “How are you doing?” “What do you need?” “How can I be helpful?” Their motivation is to build relationships by sensing and meeting the needs of others.

3s are called Performers. They need to be and be seen as successful, efficient, and effective. Threes have trouble reading feelings—their own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Threes often hide their anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment until they are alone to deal with them. They like to set short-term and long-term goals and they usually achieve them.

They motivate the rest of us to do things we might ne...

And when we win, ...

4s are the most complex number on the Enneagram. They are called Romantics, and their need is to be both unique and ...

They are comfortable with melancholy and often get energy from what is tragic. They are the only number on the Enneagram that can bear witness to pain without having to fix it. Because they value authenticity and abhor disingenuousness, Fo...

5s are called Observers or Investigators. Fives want adequate resources so they never have to depend on someone else. They are the most emotionally detached of all the numbers. This kind of detachment means that they can have a feeling and let it go. They manage fear by gathering information and knowledge. Fives have a limited, measured amount of energy for every day so they are careful about what they offer to others and whe...

6s are called Loyalists. They need to feel secure and certain, yet they have a lot of anxiety about possible future events, a world full of threats, and the hidden agendas of others. Sixes manage that anxiety with worst-case scenario planning, order and rules, plans,

They don’t want or need to be the star—they simply do their part and hope everyone else will too. With their loyalty and steadfastness, Sixes are the glue that holds together all of the organizations we treasure and belong to. They are more concerned about the common good than any other number.

7s are called Epicures or Enthusiasts. They take delight in the best possibilities. They need to avoid pain, and they quickly reframe any negative into a positive. Sevens fool themselves into believing they have a full range of emotions, when in fact they live most of life on the happy side—life is to be experienced and enjoyed. This means repetition is not desirable and routine is a turnoff. Sevens are also masters of denial, managing fear by diffusing it. Yet the...

8s are called the Boss or Challenger. They are independent thinkers who tend to see everything in extremes: good or bad, right or wrong, friend or foe. Anger is their emotion of choice, but it doesn’t la...

9s are called Peacemakers or Mediators. They are the least complex number on the Enneagram. They have the least energy of all the types because they try to keep in anything that would cause conflict and keep out anything that would steal their peace. Nines are the most stubborn number. They manage their anger by being passive-aggressive. They have the gift and the problem of seeing two sides to everything, so they are prone to procrastination and indecision. In relationships, Nines are loyal and like to be close. They are self-forgetting, setting aside their own needs and agendas to merge with others.

Within the system of the Enneagram there are three ways of meeting the world: feeling, thinking, or doing.

Twos, Threes, and Fours are part of the Heart Triad, where feelings dominate. The Head Triad includes Fives, Sixes, and Sevens and is dominated by thinking. Doing is dominant for the Gut Triad, which includes Eights, Nines, and Ones.

While your core motivation and number never change, your behavior can be influenced by and can even make you look like another of these numbers.

a Four with a Three wing is more outgoing than a Four with a Five wing, who is more introverted and withdrawing.

For example, in stress Sevens draw from One behavior. They can become less easygoing and adopt more black-and-white thinking. Your stress number is not necessarily a negative move—you need the behavior of the number you go to in stress to take care of yourself.

Sevens draw from Five behavior when they’re feeling secure, letting go of their need for excess and embracing a less-is-more mentality. All numbers need the behavior available in security to experience holistic healing.

stance indicates a posture or attitude that is a habitual, patterned way of responding to experiences. It’s the default mode for how a number behaves. In each chapter I will offer you a bit of insight as to how the stance of the number relates to how he or she navigates relationships.

The Aggressive Stance (Threes, Sevens, Eights). These people are happy to be in charge of others, and they put their agendas first. They are seen as standing independently and, at times, as moving against others. Their orientation to time is the future.

The Withdrawing Stance (Fours, Fives, Nines). These people are slow to act because they are often shy or introverted. They are seen as moving away from others, and their orientation to time is the past.

We also need to keep in mind that there are many variations of each number. Those variations result from whether you are introverted or extroverted; whether you are, at that moment, in a healthy, average, or unhealthy space; whether you are social, one-to-one focused, or self-preserving; whether your orientation to time is the present, the past, or the future; and how familiar you are with the Enneagram as well as other tools for personal and spiritual growth.

First, please don’t use your Enneagram number as an excuse for your behavior. Second, don’t use what you’ve learned about the other numbers to make fun of, criticize, stereotype, or in any way disrespect them. Ever. Third, it would be great if you would spend your energy observing and working on yourself as opposed to observing and working on others.

When we are able to see ourselves as we are, and as we can be, it’s a beautiful thing.

An Eight’s first response to anything is “What am I going to do?” This can be tricky in relationships because many other people initially ask, “What do I think?” or “What do I feel ?” Eights tend to get along very well with Threes and Sevens, who are also all about doing. These three numbers struggle with others who seem to be burdened by feelings or slow to respond because they think too long before they act.

I used to feel resentment toward my staff because they were not doing their part. And then when I thought about it, I realized I never trained them or told them what I really wanted. I just gave them the basics and expected that they would expand on that somehow. Maybe that’s because sitting down, interacting with them, and really having a conversation was a struggle. I also struggled with other staff members who were just barely doing their job. I used to get rid of those people all the time.

One Eight said: “The biggest misunderstandings we have at home are centered around times when I have expectations of others that I haven’t clearly articulated.

The less aggressive types (Two, Four, Six, Nine) tend to be guarded in their encounters with Eights, and when that happens, the truth and authenticity Eights look for in relationships are less likely to become reality.

Eights rarely regret confrontation. They rely on the energy they get from their need to be independent, but they often miss the reality that their aggression overshadows their intent. The real problem is that lust, intensity, and anger masquerade as expressions of deep emotions, so Eights are fooled into believing that they are in touch with their feelings when that is often far from the truth. It takes an awareness of intention for Eights to recognize, feel, and then name their feelings.

In my workshops, Eights talk a lot about being betrayed, frequently naming some of the people who have been disloyal to them.

4s: Eights have a difficult time being present to the mood changes of a Four. But once Eights learn to allow for that they may discover that Eights and Fours actually have a lot in common: they are the most intense and passionate numbers on the Enneagram, and they are both committed to being honest regardless of cost.

If you have a problem with a Five, agree on a time to discuss it. Give the Five time to think about your concern and then limit the length of the conversation. Good language would be, “I want to tell you what I want and then you can tell me whether you can give it to me.” If you’re in a relationship with a Five, don’t push them to socialize with other people. That has to come naturally for them; they don’t do well when pushed.

“Would you like to sit with us? We have an extra chair.” Follow that with an introduction like, “Hey, everyone, this is Tom. We work together.” If you ask a Five what they feel, they will tell you what they think. You will have to be persistent to move a conversation to the feeling level.

Incompetence and inadequacy are central to the Five’s fear. There is probably never an appropriate time to discuss either one lightly.

It is very important for Fives to know what is expected of them. They like details. Fives have a strong desire to live life so that they never have to depend on someone else to take care of them. If they are in a position where they need your ca...

There is a David Wilcox quote that my husband and I have identified with over the years: “When you go to a pop show, they’re trying to convince you that they’re different and that they’re special, while folk musicians are trying to convince everyone that we’re all the same.” Our position has always been that we’re the same. We’re not special, we’re not different, we’re just like you. So, when I walk off stage, I don’t want people to think I’m awesome or amazing. I want to be able to talk to them about their lives and their kids and tell them about mine. I really want them to know I’m just like them.

Soon I found that I enjoyed helping others find their voices and I was able to help them be better together. I also discovered that I could make my choirs sound good by quickly diagnosing and fixing problems. And I was the leader so I could control the environment—literally. I make sure the temperature is controlled and that seating and lighting are appropriate. I see to it that the music is prepared, that the schedule is set and everyone knows what it is, and that the chosen repertoire is appropriate. And, this is really important, I also systematically create a climate of welcome, teamwork, and respect.

Both Jill and Dana are building community. As Sixes, they are both committed to creating open space and a safe place for everyone. But their ways of achieving this goal are subtly yet profoundly different: Jill allows community to form, and Dana creates the community.

6 Sixes can be slow to forgive because they tend to hold on to past slights and hurts.

As a Two, I am afraid people won’t want me. Nines are afraid of conflict. Eights are afraid of being controlled. But for Sixes, fear itself is the preoccupation,

For example, relationship problems are usually diminished when a One goes on vacation because they are more relaxed and less compulsive.

Sixes have told me many times that protection is a core need they have in relation to those who are close to them. You can see, then, how when they are away from their normal routine they might be overprotective (phobic) because the routine is abnormal and there are so many unknowns. On the other hand, counterphobic Sixes have no patience with your fear unless you are willing to try to overcome it, so vacations are a great arena for that conversation to take center stage.

6 Sixes ask a lot of questions—others can feel threatened when questions are too many, too personal, or too soon.

Some Enneagram numbers prefer routine and others are energized by the unexpected.

There are certainly Enneagram numbers that find a lot of comfort in plans and routine and predictability. But some don’t. For example, Nines can easily fall into a routine and stay there without giving much, if any, thought to what might go wrong. Fives like routine because it helps them manage their limited amount of energy.

It’s believed by many that there are more Sixes than any other number, so it is sometimes difficult in our fast-paced society to accommodate their numerous questions and varied concerns. However, Sixes are the people most concerned with the common good and, when given time, Sixes see things that the rest of us miss.