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Mocking people who didn’t get it was kind of pointless, like throwing sharp weapons into pudding.
“And meaning no offence to you or my fellow cadets, but while it might certainly be too much for the delicate, I am a woman, and scientifically we have more endurance than men—”
He supposed it didn’t matter if someone left because you weren’t good enough or left because you actually drove them away. The result was the same.
“That was not my song,” said Elliot. “That song belongs to the Beatles.” Luke rolled his eyes. “Elliot, beetles do not write songs.”
Violence was like that, Elliot had noticed. One move toward it and all at once everything was allowed: anyone could be hurt, out of a mix of pride and anger and stupid disregard for the fact that you could be hurt as easily as someone else.
“Perfectly all right, I should have had more respect for your delicate masculine sensibilities.”
This realization had come to him a time or three before, but the sight of Luke comforting a lost, lonely child made it hard to push away: that Luke actually was good and noble and kind and honest and true, that he was obviously a better and wiser choice for Serene than Elliot ever could be, and that Luke would never bully anyone.
“Luke will come,” he assured her after a moment. “I know he will. He always comes, and he always protects people. He won’t stop until you’re safe.”
Elliot blamed himself for trying. He was not a comforting type of person: it was stupid, like a hedgehog trying to be a hot-water bottle. Of course he was only going to make Luke more upset.
Elliot didn’t know why he had assumed Luke would’ve told him. He was such an idiot: he kept forgetting that Luke wasn’t his friend.
“Maybe both our societies are messed up, and they each only think one type of person is really a person. And the type of person they think is really a person is allowed to show imperfections and age . . . whereas the type of person they think is an object should show no signs of being a person. We’re socialized to see the imperfections in those objects.”
Elliot kept thinking that there must be a limit to how scandalized Luke could seem about this situation, on a scale from slight-social-faux-pas to nudist-at-the-vicar’s-tea-party. Currently he was at Victorian-aunt-time-traveled-to-a-strip-club.
He didn’t quite know how to say, I have the opposite of a soothing personality and only ever upset Luke and I should probably be kept away from everybody and put in the cruel-repartee dungeon.
Luke always tried to be good to people, and someone had to be good to him in return. There was nobody else: Elliot would have to do. Just until Serene got back.
“Looking for your friend?” he heard the nice bookstall lady ask. “He’s not my friend,” Luke’s voice answered. “But my friend would want me to watch out for him.”
“You are concerned about me and Luke in a romantic context. Ahahaha. No. You are incorrect. I hardly have words to explain to you how incorrect you are. He looks out for me because I’m Serene’s friend and he loves Serene. He doesn’t even like me in a non-romantic context.” Luke’s dad frowned. “Doesn’t he?” “Oh wow, oh my God, no, no! Obviously not!” said Elliot.
Aaaaaaa
That was love: Elliot couldn’t command it, couldn’t demand it. He could only leave the chill echoing place where it was not.
Nobody wants you in the human world, do they? Nobody ever did.
Elliot had, he realized, been waiting for Luke to hurt him for years. Since the first day, he’d thought it was only a matter of time until Luke punched him. The more Luke mattered to him, the more Elliot expected to be hurt. When the blow had finally arrived last night, he had not thought about anything but the pain.
“Do you want to go out on a date with me?” Oh, that was nice. Very nice. Very hilarious. Elliot had really thought they were learning to treat each other better. Elliot regarded Luke with loathing. “Ha. Very funny. I don’t have time for this, and this book is not properly citing its sources.”
When you cared too much about one person, other people seemed to matter less, and sometimes you treated them as if they did not matter at all.
Except that this change was not permanent. Luke was stung by rejection and looking for a safe bet. How Luke looked for him in a room now, how his whole face changed when he caught sight of him, that would all go away soon.
Of course instead Luke would romanticize an attachment he had to someone he knew and trusted. Of course, Luke thought he was in love. Elliot was going to mess this up so intensely and comprehensively.
“Excuse me, sweetheart,” said Elliot. “Darling? A moment of your time? Sugarplum? Sugargrape? Sugarassortedfruitsandvegetables?” Luke did not even turn his head. “HEY, LOSER!” said Elliot. “Elliot,” Luke said at once, looking around and then jumping easily off his horse. “What are you doing here?”
