Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship

by Kayleen Schaefer

It’s not only about safety. It’s about solidarity. It’s about us knowing how unsettling it can feel when you’ve been surrounded by friends and then are suddenly by yourself again. It’s about us understanding that women who are alone get unwanted attention and scrutiny.

The words, and the corresponding texts we send when we do get home, are a web connecting us, winding through the many moments we spend together and apart, helping us understand that whenever we’re unmoored or terrified or irate or heartbroken or just bored, we’re not by ourselves. It’s a way for women to tell each other, I’m always with you. I won’t forget about you when you walk away. I am here when I’m standing in front of you or any other time you need me, no matter what.

I look to my friends for the kind of support that comes from wanting only to be good to each other. The women I love are like a life raft I didn’t know I was looking for before I got on it. But my friendships are not just about being nice. My people push me to do better. They listen, but not in a quiet, passive way. They’re always on point for correcting me when I put myself down or fall into the trap of thinking things are my fault when they aren’t. My friends are brilliant, funny, fearless, wise, and generous. We champion each other in e-mails, in texts, in congratulatory flowers, or simply by saying how much we trust each other. It feels like I’m part of a team, even if some of the women on it don’t know each other. When I’m with my friends, no matter if we’re gossiping or analyzing something serious, we’re always tripping over each other trying to express how much we empathize with what the other person is saying. No matter if I’m hanging out with one friend or five, we tend to be so hyped to be in the same place, it feels like we’re vibrating a little.

For unmarried women, in particular, it can feel like choosing to focus on friends instead of dating means your preferences are misplaced. “We live in a world that prioritizes romance so much,” says Shasta Nelson, the author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. “Women feel like we’re nothing if we’re not chosen, and we are conditioned to think friendships are less important. If something has to slide, it’s friendships.”