Heretics Anonymous

by Katie Henry

like me, who find it harder to follow the whims of parents or teachers or two-thousand-year-old undead Jewish mystics with strong opinions on divorce.

I had my first epiphany: just because a person says something is true doesn’t mean it is, and anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to keep you from doing something fun.

I gave a presentation on the unlikelihood of Santa Claus for show-and-tell,

I put together a list ranking religions from most plausible to least plausible and shared my f...

If I didn’t know he’d devoted his life to indoctrinating impressionable children and never getting laid, he’d almost look normal.

I’m not getting out of this office with my dignity intact.

so cheerful I instantly hate him.

I feel like I’m in my old school again, wondering if we’ll get to blow anything up during lab. “Please bow your heads for morning prayer.” So much for that.

She’s sort of cute, in an Amish kind of way,

“What,” I joke. “Does it summon Satan if I do it backward?”

“That’s too bad,” I say. “I was hoping for a Lucifer sighting.”

“Do you think Satan prefers goats or sheep? I’ve had the hardest time finding a baby.”

Hi, my name’s Michael, are you also a depraved sinner? Hey, I’m Michael, want to have lunch and discuss the obvious absence of a loving God?

past a statue of a sad-eyed Virgin Mary.

“Don’t let the kilts fool you. This is still high school.”

Oh, shit.

Sometimes, we have to keep our mouthes shut AHAHAAHHh

I try to catalog how many ways I insulted her religion. At least three.

He looks instantly tired when I start walking next to him. I have that effect on people.

an organ plays, sounding like a dying cow,

tell her that sounds a lot like black magic.

This is calmest cannibalization ritual I’ve ever seen.

“Did you,” I ask her, “trick me into getting blessed?”

I don’t know why people assume shit like that. Like being an atheist requires some sort of tragic backstory.

My personal motto has always been if you’ve already dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of, you may as well keep digging.

Fitting, considering my cambs rejection

I tell her someone who believes in an imaginary God should be better at using imaginary numbers.

take a deep breath in, trying really hard not to lose my shit. I’m wet and cold and I told my dad he’s a bad father, but clearly what’s crucial here is my lack of a belt.

I feel u

“Too bad he’s married.” “Too bad he’s closeted,” Avi mumbles.

“Condoms are Satan’s party balloons?”

The last time I was responsible for something, it was a beta fish, and it died after I overfed

“They call it Planned Parenthood,” the narrator warns, “because it sounds better than ‘Infanticide Incorporated.’”

AHAHAHAHAHHAHA

“Or are we using it as an excuse to mess with people we don’t like?” I consider this. “Why can’t it be both?”

moooood

wearing a smile that could only be caused by Jesus or LSD.

You’ve got them now, I can almost hear him thinking. You acknowledged sex is fun! They went in expecting something stuffy and boring, but you’re different!

I have never been more embarrassed for anyone in my life.

Yeah, well, then so is genocide.

Miniature statues of the Virgin Mary that weep when you masturbate?

. . and good at holding packages together?

I wonder what the Catholic Church does to people who get turned on at chastity assemblies. They probably castrate them.

The most revolutionary thing I know about the Virgin Mary is that sometimes people see her face on toast.

I CAN'T I ---

“Think of it this way. The better you know the Bible, the better you’ll be able to argue against the parts of it you don’t like. ‘Know thine enemy,’ right?”

I know Catholic Jesus can’t have much problem with alcohol, since his blood’s made out of it. But

“What do you want to swear to?” she asks. “Science? Deductive reasoning? The ghost of Friedrich Nietzsche?”

Herculaneum, which was closer, the air got so hot so fast everyone’s heads exploded. Literally exploded. That’s gross.”