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February 9 - February 12, 2024
Perhaps your parents were overprotective: they made your decisions for you, and handled your responsibilities. They may even have subtly undermined you, criticizing you whenever you struck out on your own. As a consequence, as an adult you feel unable to cope effectively on your own without the guidance, advice, and financial support of people who you feel are stronger and wiser than you.
Many people escape whole areas of life where they feel vulnerable or sensitive. If you have the Defectiveness lifetrap, like Brandon you may avoid intimate relationships altogether, never letting anybody get too close. If you have the Failure lifetrap, you may avoid work, school tasks, promotions, or taking on new projects. If you have the Social Exclusion lifetrap, you may avoid groups, parties, meetings, conventions. If you have the Dependence lifetrap, you may avoid all situations that require you to be independent.
The disadvantage of Escape is that we never overcome the lifetrap. Since we never confront the truth, we are stuck. We cannot change things that we do not admit are problems. Instead, we continue the same self-defeating behaviors, the same destructive relationships.
TWO TYPES OF ABANDONMENT 1. Abandonment based upon dependence 2. Abandonment based upon instability or loss
Dependent people often have a number of people lined up as backups in case their main person leaves. They have someone immediately available to take the person’s place, or they find someone new, and quickly form another dependent relationship.
BOWLBY’S THREE PHASES OF SEPARATION 1. Anxiety 2. Despair 3. Detachment
You were raised by nannies or in an institution by a succession of mother figures, or you were sent away to boarding school at a very young age.
another origin for Abandonment is the absence of one person who consistently serves as a maternal figure for the child. Children whose parents have no time for them, who are raised by a succession of nannies or in a succession of day-care centers, or who are raised in institutions where the staff constantly changes are examples of this origin. Particularly during the first years, the child needs the stable presence of one caretaker. The caretaker does not necessarily have to be the parent. However, if there is constant turnover in who serves as that person, it creates disruption. To the child,
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Some people who have the Abandonment lifetrap cope by avoiding intimate relationships altogether. They would rather remain alone than go through the process of loss again.
You probably feel drawn to lovers who hold some potential for abandoning you.
You are not looking for partners who present no hope of a stable relationship, rather you are attracted to partners who present some hope for stability, but not complete hope—who present a mixture of hope and doubt. You feel as if there is a possibility that you might win the person permanently, or at least get the person to relate to you in a more stable fashion.
The better you are at distraction, the longer you can be alone. The worse you are at distraction, the quicker you experience the wanting, the sense of loss, and the need to reconnect.
You have an underlying view of friendships as unstable. You cannot count on them to last. People come and go in your life. You are hypersensitive to anything that might threaten the connection with a friend—the person moving away, separations, the person not returning phone calls or invitations, disagreements, or the person developing other interests or preferring someone else.
sign of the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap to feel chronically disappointed in other people. People let you down. We are not speaking about a single case of disappointment, but rather a pattern of experiences over a long period of time.
Mother does not give the child enough time and attention. 4. The mother is not really tuned into the child’s needs. She has difficulty empathizing with the child’s world. She does not really connect with the child. 5. Mother does not soothe the child adequately. The child, then, may not learn to soothe him/herself or to accept soothing from others.
some people who have the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap avoid romantic relationships altogether, or only get into them for a short time.
The less available he/she is, the more obsessed you become.
Some people with the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap counterattack; they compensate for their feelings of deprivation by becoming hostile and demanding. These people are narcissistic. They act as if they are entitled to get all their needs met. They demand a lot, and often get a lot, from the people who become their lovers.
Although as children their emotional needs were not met in important ways, narcissists have learned to fight the feelings of deprivation by becoming very demanding about other, more superficial needs. For example, you might be very demanding about what you eat, or how you dress, or whom you are with, or where you go. You might be very demanding about material things. You might be demanding about anything except the true object of your craving, which is emotional nurturance.
As a child, you were not allowed to be demanding about emotional needs. Your mother (probably) did not respond. But if she allowed you to be demanding about other needs, it was at least a way for you to get something.
THREE KINDS OF EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION 1. Deprivation of Nurturance 2. Deprivation of Empathy
You felt different from other children, even within your own family. 4. You were passive as a child; you did what was expected, but you never developed strong interests or preferences of your own. Now you feel you have nothing to offer in a conversation.
Gifted children sometimes experience this. Their interests are different from other children their age. They enjoy reading or listening to music more than playing with other children. You also may have had interests that were atypical for your gender, such as a boy who likes to play with dolls, or a girl who likes rougher, boy games.
When you are in a conversation, you then feel that you have nothing to say. Your passivity makes you feel as if you have nothing of your own to offer other people. Carrying on conversations becomes a burden. You are very comfortable listening, but you cannot initiate a topic. You cannot contribute your own opinions. You do not have suggestions about what to do or where to go. After a while, you may decide to avoid socializing altogether rather than be with others and have nothing to contribute.
You feel embarrassed if people meet your family or know a lot about them. You keep secrets about your family from other people.
You have never accepted certain parts of your nature because you believe other people would think less of you for them (e.g., you are shy, intellectual, emotional, too feminine, weak, dependent).
12. You put too much emphasis on compensating for what you feel are your social inadequacies: trying to prove your popularity or social skills, win people over, be part of the right social group, have success in your career, or raise children who are popular.
Reevaluate the Importance of Flaws That You Cannot Change. Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
I’m starting to feel different from the people I’m with. I’m feeling like an outsider, alone in the crowd. I am holding myself back, becoming aloof. But this is my lifetrap kicking in. In fact I’m exaggerating how different I am. If I become friendlier, I will find that we have things in common. I just have to give myself a chance to connect.
You believe that you are incapable of taking care of yourself in the world, and that therefore you have to turn to other people for help. It is only with such help that you can possibly survive. At the core of your experience of dependence is the sense that it is a constant struggle to fulfill the normal responsibilities of adult living.
It is a feeling of something lacking, of inadequacy.
Dependent people do not like change. They like everything to stay the same.
Your partner is like a father/mother figure, who seems strong and protective. 2. He/She seems to enjoy taking care of you and treats you like a child.
You turn to wiser or stronger people all the time for advice and guidance. 2. You minimize your successes and magnify your shortcomings.
You do not take care of your own financial records or decisions. 6. You live through your parents/partner. 7. You are much more dependent on your parents than most people your age.
When you succeed at a task on your own, take credit for it. Do not minimize it. When you fail, do not give up. Keep trying until you master the task.
Do not complain when your partner/boss refuses to help you enough. Do not turn to him/her for constant advice and reassurance. 10. Take on new challenges and responsibilities at work, but do it gradually.
Give up the exhausting struggle to get people to take care of you. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn to believe in your own ability to cope by mastering the tasks of life.
ALISON: I guess I get down on myself a lot. I’m always thinking, “Why would anyone want to be with me?”
Almost half our patients have Defectiveness as one of their primary lifetraps. However, on the surface, these patients look very different. Each copes with feelings of shame in different ways. Some lack confidence and look insecure (Surrender). Some look normal (Escape). And some look so good you would never believe they had the lifetrap (Counterattack).
ALISON: I have always felt there is something wrong with me, deep inside where no one can see. And that I would live my whole life without anyone loving me. THERAPIST: When you think of someone loving you, how does it feel? ALISON: It makes me cringe.
Alison’s Defectiveness lifetrap makes her much too vulnerable in relationships. The other person has so much power to hurt her. She does not protect herself or defend herself.
If you have the Defectiveness lifetrap, you probably lie somewhere between the two extremes represented by Alison and Eliot. Perhaps you allow yourself to be quite vulnerable in some areas but not in others.
If your primary coping style is Escape, you may have addictions or compulsions. Drinking, drugs, overworking, and overeating are all ways of numbing yourself to avoid the pain of feeling worthless.
Someone in your family was extremely critical, demeaning, or punitive toward you. You were repeatedly criticized or punished for how you looked, how you behaved, or what you said. 2. You were made to feel like a disappointment by a parent.
You were repeatedly compared in an unfavorable way with your brothers or sisters, or they were preferred over you.
Alison’s lifetrap is largely the result of her father’s criticalness. He made it clear very early that she was a disappointment.
You avoid dating altogether. 2. You tend to have a series of short, intense affairs, or several affairs simultaneously.
5. You are most attracted to partners who are not that interested in you, hoping you can win their love.
You are drawn to partners who are unable to commit to you or to spend time with you on a regular basis. They may be married, insist on simultaneously dating other people, travel regularly, or live in another city.
