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Trey lifts my hand to his lips, kissing the back of it tenderly. I feel it tremble against his mouth. “You’re not alone, Kricket. I’ll help you change it. We’ll do it together. Now, tell me everything that’s happened to you from the time that I was separated from you until this moment.”
“We might have a problem. I can’t seem to keep my hands off of you.” “That’s a problem?” I ask, biting my lip and trying not to laugh. “That question shouldn’t make me as happy as it does,” he replies. “Shouldn’t it?” I tease him.
“Stop distracting me,” he admonishes with a sensual smile and a quick kiss. “I have to help unload the supplies from the hovercycles. Stay here and try not to get into any trouble.” “Leave the venish.”
I shouldn’t be happy; I know that. The entire world is one big series of scary events, but right now, at this moment, I’m having a hard time focusing on all that. I just want to live in this moment—in these seconds—with Trey. I know it’s wrong. I know when it ends there will be no soft landing.
“I need you to stay here while I do this. Is that going to be a problem?” “Um, yeah.” “Why?” “Because we always stay together.” “There are going to be instances where it will be better to have you remain in a safe place while I scout ahead. Are we going to have an argument every time something like this comes up?”
“This is—this is—you are—” “—monstrous,” I fill in the blank for him. His grasp on my chin grows tighter. “No!” He sounds almost angry. “You are without a doubt the most amazing Etharian I’ve ever laid eyes upon.” “Thanks, Jax.” I try to smile. “You’re a genetic enigma.”
“Don’t be long. You’re already on the naughty list,” he jokes. “There’s a naughty list? And I’m on it?” I ask as if scandalized. “You own that list,” he says with a smirk.
“Is there anything you can’t do?” he asks me softly. “I can’t swim,” I remind him. He kisses me again. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore. I’m sorry—I wasn’t trying to be a lurker. It’s just that I’m not used to needing someone. I don’t know how to handle it.” “You weren’t being a lurker. Our circumstances here are extreme. I want you to need me. I don’t ever want you to stop needing me.” He kisses me; my insides warm as if I’m drinking sunshine.
“Is your riding with me a commentary on my equestrian abilities?” I ask him. “Maybe, but secretly I’m always looking for any excuse to have you this close to me.”
“Good people want good things for their family.” “And that worries you, why? You’re a good thing, Kricket.”
“Well, there’s still a chance we won’t make it there, right? A lot can happen.” “Since when are you afraid of anyone or anything?” he asks, nuzzling my neck. “Since I found something I don’t want to lose.” “There is no chance of you losing me.” “You must not have heard about me. I’m trouble.”
“Oh, I know it. I’ve often said ‘There goes Trouble’ when you leave the room. Wayra,” Trey calls ahead, “what’s Kricket’s security codename?” He keeps his voice low so it won’t carry far. Wayra glances at us over his shoulder. With a grin, he replies, “That’d be Trouble, sir.” Trey squeezes me tighter. “See? Trouble.” He smiles. “You’re the navigator for my next thrill . . . and every thrill after that.”
We’re never going to make it, I think, retching violently. Kyon is going to find us and he’s going to kill Trey and make me watch. I’m not panicking now. This isn’t panic; this is different. This is me finally grasping the reality of what’s happening. When you have nothing to lose, failing doesn’t come with the same kind of consequences. Now I have Trey. Failure in this means his death. I can’t fail.
to mine. He pushes off it, saying, “Finally. I was starting to think you were some kind of heartless android.”
“No, it’s not. It’s only the soldiers with courage that puke later on—the ones who’ve been through something brutal, like being captured and tortured. They know what it means to be recaptured. It’s not the same as not knowing, is it?”
“What did you do to get over the fear?” “I lived through it,” he says. “I got good at what I do. I made sure that I was the best at my job. You’re a time-traveling polar vortex, Kricket. You can make the future the shape of heartache for those knob knockers if you want to. Do you want to?”
“This is going to be a long night, but it will end. I’ll keep you safe.” He believes that.
“We need to find someone soon who can perform a commitment ceremony.” “I don’t need a commitment ceremony to be with you,” I murmur against his skin, placing small kisses along the breadth of his wide shoulder. “I need it.” He lifts my hair and unbraids it so that it falls over my shoulders. “Why? I know how you feel about me.” “Because I need everyone to know that you’re mine.” I giggle. “That’s a little cavemanish, don’t you think?” I ask him teasingly.
“Most of all, Kricket,” he says passionately in my ear, “I need you to know that you’re mine.”
His hands on me are possessive and demanding. “Say you’re mine, Kricket.” His fingers twine in my hair. Intense pleasure washes over me. “I’m yours,” I whisper, biting my lip to keep from screaming it. “Whose?” he growls again. “Yours, Trey, I’m yours.” I say breathlessly, as we completely lose our minds and our bodies to each other. For the next few hours, we prove over and over that we belong to one another.
It’s been an oasis in a sea of scary.
He pauses in combing out my hair. I glance at him over my shoulder; he leans forward and kisses me hard on the mouth. “You make me happy,” he says in a low tone.
“Well, Trey, I think you’re the first person who has ever said that to me.” “That’s impossible,” he says honestly. “It’s the truth.” Not wanting to explore my past, I instead nose into his. “And what is Charisma? A thinker or a doer?” I ask. “She’s a doer.” “And me?” “You are the rare person who is good at everything.” “I can’t swim.” “Yet.”
Why am I still looking for Astrid, after all this time? Maybe it means nothing, just a reaction to a terrifying situation. But the loss is there. I have that ache in my chest again for something that doesn’t exist. I keep holding on to nothing as tightly as I can
“You were fine, and then I said that name and you completely changed.” “It’s nothing.” I try to feign a casual shrug. “It’s not nothing. Not the way you said it when you were drugged. It’s like a piece of you had gone missing and you needed to find it. You were begging your tormentors. It was gut-wrenching!”
“Don’t redirect me. I’m starting to know your tactics very well. Explain who she is because I want to understand why she’s so important to you.”
“Astrid is not important to me. It’s no one! One caseworker described Astrid as my imaginary friend—and don’t give me that look, Trey,” I say, straightening. “What look?” he asks in surprise. “I’m not some broken thing you need to fix. Just because I wasn’t raised in the Valley of Thistle with a perfect family doesn’t make me broken.” “What does it make you then?” “Resilient.” “You can act like this is nothing. You can walk around with a mind full of secrets, but if you want to let me in, I’ll be here for you.”
“I don’t know who or what Astrid is.” Trey stops, but he doesn’t turn around. “Maybe it’s someone I used to play with, or a neighbor, or a stuffed animal—maybe a babysitter. All I remember is that I would cry every night for Astrid.” Laughing humorlessly, I add, “I can’t even picture Astrid in my mind. Isn’t that crazy? To need something you can’t even remember?”
“Remember I told you when there’s little left to lose, the consequences for one’s actions don’t carry the same weight, painful or otherwise?” “I remember,” Trey says. “I learned that early—just after I was placed—that’s what they used to call it when they’d find you a home: placed. I hardly remember anything about being placed the first time. I remember the apartment was small—cramped—tidy but poor. It had this awful smell, though—mildew, urine, and pine cleaner. I’ll remember that smell for the rest of my life.”
The next time the police brought me back, my foster father hit me so hard that my foster mother had to take me to the clinic. I don’t know what her name was, but she probably saved my life. I don’t remember much for a while after that—a couple of years are just gone. I can’t tell you what Astrid was or why it was so important to me. I just know that sometimes I still wake up calling that name.”
“I don’t know why they wouldn’t want you, Kricket. Or why they would do those things they did to you. All I know is that I want you—so much more than I ever wanted anything in my life.”
My desire for him is insane. He’s not sentimental—neither of us is—and yet he says things to me that strike at the core of my being and speak to the fighter in me. He makes me crave him in the most vulnerable way. I can’t lose him—ever.
Wearily, I lean back against Trey to keep my seat. “Sorry,” I murmur at my weakness. “I like the feel of you against me,”
When Trey notices, he has to rein in our spix, breaking our kiss. We both look over at Wayra, who is smirking at us. He nods his head in greeting to Trey. “Sir.” Trey nods back. “Wayra.” “Did you need something, sir?” Wayra asks with amusement in his tone. “No. I have everything I need,” he replies. “Carry on.” Trey pulls us back behind Wayra once more. “Do you have everything you need?” I ask him. Trey smiles and kisses the top of my head. “Yes. Everything I need is right here.”
“We were worried about you too, Kricket,” he says in my ear and my heart squeezes tight, but I refuse to cry. I’m not weak—I need to figure out how to be stone again before this paper heart of mine is the death of me.
“This is my soon-to-be sister and look at her. She looks like she can hardly stand on her own at the moment.” All humor is erased from Trey’s face when he gets a better look at me. “Give her to me,” he orders, reaching out and pulling me away from Victus as he hands me over. “She never says anything!” Trey complains to his brother. “She never whines or shows vulnerability. It’s so frustrating.” “She’s right here and she can walk,” I say, wiggling to try to make him put me down.
“And you put yourself in extreme danger to do it?” “No,” Trey says softly, “I planned for you to be in each other’s company without me around so that you could realize just how perfect you are for one another. You complement each other. Charisma, you like to take care of others. It frustrates you that I won’t let you do that with me. But Victus loves all of your attention. You can baby him until next Fitzover and he will be the most contented Etharian to ever walk Thistle. The danger of the mission I agreed to was just a thrill.” “I don’t enjoy being babied,” Victus lies with a grin.
“Victus and I must look like awful people to you, Kricket,” Charisma says to me in a melancholy tone. I turn my gaze upon her; my emotions over what I’m hearing are a jumbled mess. I don’t know what to think or feel. I say the first thing that comes to mind. “It just feels bad right now because your secret’s out. But it can’t be as bad as it was before, can it? It’s not like having your love be an unspeakable thing that you carry around—something you can only daydream about—about the places you’d go with him if you could—the things you’d do—the person you’d be with him. You no longer have to
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“There is no safe place in Rafe anymore, Kricket, not for any of us. It won’t matter if we’re with you or not.
All of us—myself included. We actually have a better chance of survival if we stay with you, because after you get some rest, you’re going to begin to hone your ability to see and affect the future. You’re going to make time bend to your will, and I’m going to do everything I can to help you stay ahead of them until such a time as we can fight them.”
“I can’t bear the thought of you being anywhere other than right next to me. That’s my argument. Everyone will just have to accept it, including you.” I smile drowsily. “I like that argument. It’s a sound angle.” “It’s sound because it’s true,” he murmurs. Neither of us says anything else as sleep overtakes us.
“Vessey wants us to dress for dinner. It’s in honor of your first meal as part of the family. I think secretly that she’s also worried that it could be our last celebration together as a family.”
I set my fork down, knowing I’ve said too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know that I should’ve softened that. I could’ve made something up or omitted parts and made it a nicer version of the truth, but I didn’t want to; I want her to know me for who I am. I don’t want her pity. I just want acceptance. This is my truth. I have entrusted her with it. Now I want to see what she does with it.
Charisma covers my hand that is resting on top of my fork on the table. I glance over at her and see that her eyes are filled with tears, but she’s fighting to keep them from spilling over. In a soft voice that doesn’t carry too far, she says, “Trey gave us the talk while you were sleeping. He told us that you don’t like sympathy, so if you say something that we find sad or troublesome, we should not show you that it bothers us.” “He told you I hate pity?” “Yes, that’s right,” she says. “That’s why Vessey left so quickly. She wanted to smother you with concern and love and kisses and cry her
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“Thank you for telling me; it helps to have a translator.” “I’m more than that,” she says with a sniffle. “I’m your friend, and hopefully, one day, your sister.” “I have something for you,” I reply impulsively. Turning to Vanderline, I ask, “May we be excused?” “Of course,” he nods, as he stands up from the table. All of the other men stand as well. Charisma seems delighted that I’ve freed her from the table early.
“My Crystal Clear Moments! You carried them with you all the way here from the Isle of Skye? And my sonic sayzers!” She picks one up and hugs it to her. “These are my favorite ones!
“This is Trey’s starcross.” I look at it in her hand. “Well,” I say sheepishly, “it’s sort of mine now. Trey gave it to me.” She looks startled. “Trey gave you this?” I nod. “Yeah.” “It’s been in his family forever.” “With luck it will remain in it forever.”
“When I save Astrid’s life for you, you owe me. The only payment I’ll accept from you is in the form of protection. You owe me Trey’s life, Raspin. No matter what happens, you have to protect him.” I wait as he crouches down to my eye level. “It takes the best in us to tie ourselves up fer love.”
“Love is the worst, Raspin. It sets fire to us just to see who it can kill.”
“You’re nothing like her; she is all heart.”
