The Read-Aloud Family: Making Meaningful and Lasting Connections with Your Kids

by Sarah Mackenzie

When you find yourself worrying that your child hasn’t read a certain book or a certain author, don’t despair. Don’t try to cram it into the schedule. Think to yourself (with delight), What a joy it will be to stumble across that author or that book or that series down the road. Fill your child’s life with good books, but don’t worry about getting to them all. Resist the temptation to assign piles and piles of reading out of fear that your child will miss something important.

Gaps in our children’s reading lives make room for our kids to find and delight in literary favorites during their adulthood. We don’t want the best reading our children will ever to do to happen all before they turn eighteen, do we? We want them to be readers for life.

Gaps in our children’s reading lives make room for our kids to find and delight in literary favor...

Remember your goal. If whatever you’re reading is not helping your child love the reading experience—if it’s becoming a stumbling block—then change the book. No booklist is gospel.

We’ve all heard about how important it is for families to eat dinner together. Dr. Anne Fishel, cofounder of The Family Dinner Project, states that dinnertime conversations are important in order to “relax, recharge, laugh, tell stories, and catch up on the day’s ups and downs, while developing a sense of who we are as a family.” Dinnertime conversation has even been linked to lower rates of substance abuse, teen depression, and higher grade point averages. When we engage in conversation with our child—when we ask him how his day went, what he’s worried about, or what the best part of his week was—we communicate that we are interested in his life and that we have time for him. When we have a conversation with our child about books, then, we communicate that we are interested in what he’s reading and thinking about. Without saying it outright, we tell him that it is a priority in our own lives to spend unhurried time with him.

The experiences that have the deepest, most profound impact on us are meant to be shared. We are communicative creatures, and we naturally desire to exchange ideas when our thoughts and emotions are stirred.

If you love your child and are willing to invest time in learning who she is and what she thinks, you can share meaningful and lasting conversation about any book under the sun.

Regardless of whether you are having an intentional or organic conversation, it is imperative to maintain an easygoing, friendly approach when you talk to your kids about books. We don’t want our kids to feel like we are primarily trying to improve or shape them by talking with them about books. Our kids are not our projects. (Even if you are trying to improve and shape your kids through stories, work with me here. No one likes to feel as though they are someone else’s improvement project.)

Key #1: Don’t talk about every book. Sir Francis Bacon said, “Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.”2 Allow your children to taste, swallow, and chew. You don’t need to discuss every book you read aloud or every book your child reads on his or her own. When you demand that every book be discussed, it takes the leisure right out of reading and causes books to lose that all-important pleasure connection. Trust that the book can speak directly to your child, even if you never intervene with a conversation or discussion.

Key #2: There are no right answers. For real. Remember to be friendly and conversational. Especially if you are having an intentional conversation, you may need to be mindful not to take on a condescending tone. The last thing we should do when we’re making a connection with our kids is talk down to them. Relationships simply don’t flourish that way. Even if their answers are not as deep or as impressive as you hoped they would be, there is no need to be overly concerned. There is a journey to Truth, and each of us must make that journey for ourselves. Allow your kids to gradually uncover Truth in all the secret places it hides.

Key #3: Compelling questions matter more than compelling answers. When you start asking your kids open-ended questions, you may be surprised at their answers. Remember this: the art of asking compelling questions is more important than getting compelling answers. A child who practices asking questions will start to ask them on his own, consciously or subconsciously, whether he articulates it or not. We want to strengthen the child’s habit of asking questions and thinking deeply.

Key #4: Plant seeds and step aside. We adults like our truths to be contained in tidy lessons and simple frameworks. But Truth is neither simple nor tidy, and God himself revealed it to us in parables and stories that cause us to ask ourselves questions again and again, to come back over and over again to look, to fall in, to contemplate, and to wonder. You can’t usually wrap up a juicy conversation with a tidy bow. After all, the last thing you want to say is, “and so the lesson from this story is . . .” Let the story be as big and magnanimous as it will. Let it remain shrouded in a bit of mystery.

Key #5: Use simple reading journals to deepen the conversation. The best questions will often send your child back to the book for the answer. As such, it can be helpful to encourage him to keep a commonplace book or reading journal. A commonplace book or reading journal is simply a place to mark down passages and quotes, to make a list of books you have read, want to read next, or books you loved most. Your child can also include thoughts he has, if he’s so inclined. This can be as simple as a spiral-bound notebook, or you can choose to go a bit fancier with nice journals from your local bookshop or paper store. A child who gets used to making note of language that moves him is a child who learns that language has power. In our home, when we begin to discuss a book, we often find ourselves flipping through our reading journals to find what resonated with us. They don’t need to be the most profound passages or most meaningful quotes. Your child doesn’t even need to know what the passages mean or why they are significant to him.

I require my children to log the books they’ve read in their reading journals, but I resist setting other requirements on the kids’ journals whenever possible. You alone can decide what is best for your own kids—just keep in mind that you want the reading journal to be a tool that helps you maintain that easygoing, friendly disposition we’re shooting for. Don’t succumb to the temptation to make it an assignment, or you may find that the journal doesn’t lend itself to reading joy but does the opposite.

You don’t have to talk about every book your child reads. There are no “right” answers to open-ended questions about books. It’s more important to ask compelling questions than to get compelling answers. Your job is simply to plant the seed, and if it works for your family, you can deepen the conversation by helping your child collect his own favorite passages from books in a simple reading journal. This will go a long way in connecting you to your child, but it’s only the beginning. Now we need to know which questions to ask to get juicy discussions going.

If you have the habit of asking a book questions as you read, you are a better reader than if you do not. Mortimer J. Adler and Charles Van Doren, How to Read a Book

Compelling questions are open-ended You won’t start a meaningful conversation with your child if all you’re asking are questions that require no more than a “yes” or “no” in response. You also won’t engage in meaningful conversation if you ask questions aimed at assessing your child’s reading comprehension. We’re building relationships, remember? The art of conversation within relationships means circling ’round ideas—considering, weighing, and comparing one idea with another. We’re looking to hook arms with our children, not because we want them to spew out the right answers but because we’re curious about how their minds work and about what kind of unique and amazing people they are becoming. We’re asking questions because we want to deepen our relationships with them. Make sure the questions you ask your child about books are open-ended. You know a question is open-ended if there is no clear-cut or “right” answer.

Compelling questions can be asked about any book The questions in this chapter can be asked about any story, from The Cat in the Hat to Frog and Toad, from Beezus and Ramona to Watership Down and A Tale of Two Cities. In fact, the questions in this chapter can be asked about any story at all, even if it’s not contained within the pages of a book.

Compelling questions can be used alone or alongside others I don’t usually ask all ten questions when I’m talking with my kids about a book. Often I only ask one. Rarely do I ask more than three. It depends on the amount of time I have to talk with my child, how interested she is in the story, and if I’m being honest, how much coffee is running through my veins. Don’t get caught up in using this list of questions like a checklist. You can ask a compelling question all by itself, or if you have the time and desire, you can pair it with another to take the conversation a little deeper.

Question #1: What does the character want, and why can’t he or she have it? This question will take you to the heart of a book right away. Every story’s main character wants something and can’t have it—that’s the conflict. Something is inhibiting the character from getting what he or she most desires. There usually isn’t only one right answer to this question, and you don’t need to know what the “best” answer is before you ask it. You may be startled, in fact, by your child’s answer to this question.

Question #2: Should he or she have done that? Should is an incredibly powerful word—one that must be thought through, reasoned with, and backed up. The answer might seem obvious on the surface, but ask this question once or twice, and you may be surprised at how much fun you can have with it.

Question #3: How is X like Y? Or how is X different from Y? Everything in the world is like everything else. Everything in the world is also different from everything else. Consider how something is like or different from something else, and you are entering the deep world of metaphor. Metaphors matter because they are how we understand and communicate ideas to one another. When we think carefully about how characters, places, or events in the books we read are similar or different from others, we practice the art of thinking in metaphor.

Question #4: Who is the most ____ in this story? This may be my favorite question to ask, if only because it is the simplest. Insert any character trait into the blank space. You’ll probably need to follow up this question with a second one—something like, “What makes you say that?” or, “Can you give me an example?” If you ask your child who he thinks is the most courageous person in a book, be prepared to follow that up with, “When was the moment he or she showed the most courage?”

Question #5: What does this story or character remind you of? Again, we want our children to learn to think in metaphor, because metaphors are how we understand and communicate ideas. This question is practice in noticing how two seemingly different things are similar—and like question #3, this kind of question helps our children learn to think in metaphors.

Question #6: What is the character most afraid of? We get right to the heart of a character when we ask what they most desire (as in question #1) and also by asking what they most fear. We learn a lot about a person by taking time to consider their greatest fears. This doesn’t have to be the main character—you can ask it about any of the central characters in the story who have their own fears and desires.

Question #7: What would you change about the setting or main character if you were writing this book? On an episode of the Read-Aloud Revival podcast, bestselling author N. D. Wilson said that when he was young, he disliked reading new books. When he was in fifth grade, his dad suggested that as he read, he should determine what he would change if he were the author. N. D. found himself motivated against his will, desiring to make the stories he was reading more interesting than he thought they were. “If I didn’t like a book,” N. D. said, “I had to tell my dad what I would do to fix it. That engaged me in a completely different way. I would put myself in the author’s chair and think, ‘No, don’t do that. Take it here. Add pirates. Kill everyone.’ I was in fifth grade,” he laughed. “I started reading more broadly, and by the sixth grade, I announced to my family, ‘This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to write books.’” And that’s exactly what he did. I suspect the playful way his father taught him to approach reading was key in transforming him into the bestselling author he is today. You’ll find some of his books recommended in part 3. You can ask this same question of your own kids, though I’d probably save it for kids over age seven. If your child is an aspiring writer or illustrator, this can be a great way for them to practice. They get the benefit of using someone else’s world and characters as they play with language and plot twists.

Question #8: What surprised you most? We can discover a lot about our kids by finding out what catches them off-guard. Sometimes I surprise myself when I answer this question! I don’t realize I had a certain expectation until I articulate what I didn’t see coming.

Question #9: Which character most reminds you of yourself? I love asking authors this question when they are guests on the Read-Aloud Revival, but asking it of the reader can lead to a very interesting conversation! Often, we’ll see bits of ourselves in various aspects of different characters. Of course, most often we’ll relate to the main character, but the conversations that follow this realization can lead to some great discussions and a new understanding of each other. Seeing ourselves in the books we read can shed a lot of light—not just on the story (although indeed it does), but on our own strengths and weaknesses as we live out our real day-to-day lives.

Question #10: What is something you don’t want to forget from this book (or from this chapter)? To answer this question, the reader must recall the story and bring to mind a specific scene. I like to answer this question in my reading journal, even after reading on my own, because it helps me remember details from stories that I would otherwise forget. It’s an easier question to answer than “What was your favorite part of the story?” because there’s no pressure to find the very best answer. You can simply name any one thing you don’t want to forget.

Children are made readers on the laps of their parents. Emilie Buchwald

A child is never too young for a read-aloud. Babies in utero benefit from hearing the sound of their parents’ voices, and tiny newborns are often soothed by the rhythm and cadence of being read or spoken to. Once a baby becomes mobile and starts scooting around on her own, sharing books becomes even more exciting—even if baby seems more interested in playing with or chewing on the books than in looking at the pictures or sitting quietly for a story! Studies show that babies who are read to as young as six months old have stronger vocabularies and better literacy skills four whole years later (when school typically begins). The academic benefits, then, start when our children are very, very small. We are preparing our smallest babes for future success when we snuggle up and share a story.

CHOOSING BOOKS FOR AGES 0–3 When you’re choosing books for very young children, keep an eye out for predictable patterns, simple and pleasant text, and illustrations that cause your child to look a little longer than necessary. Kids this age especially enjoy well-written rhymes (Mother Goose, anyone?). The mark of this age is their love for repetition. You’ll find that your child doesn’t tire of the same stories nearly as quickly as you do. In fact, it’s quite likely that your small child would prefer you to read the same small handful of books multiple times in a row, rather than reading from a more varied stack.

WHAT TODDLERS CAN DO WHILE YOU READ ALOUD These activities are excellent for toddlers while you read aloud to them, but they are also excellent choices for when you need to keep little ones busy and quiet so you can read to their older siblings. • Eat snacks. (Try popsicles—they take a long time for small children to eat. Finger foods, when your child is ready for O-shaped cereal or small bits of fruit or cheese, are good choices as well.) • Put together chunky toddler puzzles. • Color, using paper taped to the high chair tray along with chunky crayons. • Build with blocks. • Play with a basket of favorite toys (it’s okay if your child doesn’t look like she is paying attention). • “Paint” with a paintbrush and a small dish of water (to be used in the high chair or outside—tell your kids to “paint the deck” or “paint the table” while you read). • Model with Play-Doh (when your child is old enough not to eat it). • Use washable dot markers (found in art or school supply stores, or online) on big sheets of blank paper.

There is no substitute for books in the life of a child. Mary Ellen Chase

Read-aloud time gets markedly easier around the time your child hits her fourth birthday. Kids in this age group can usually listen for longer stretches of time. They still enjoy looking at bright and beautiful illustrations but are often also capable of listening to stories without illustrations. Four-to-seven-year-olds are the perfect age for fairy tales and fables, and often delight in a variety of tales from harrowing, heroic adventures to silly, nonsensical stories. Children in this age bracket will likely (though not always) begin reading instruction. Something you’ll want to remember is to keep books a source of delight for your child. Too often, parents and educators are overly anxious to get kids reading on their own, sacrificing a child’s enjoyment of books in the process of teaching phonics, decoding, and comprehension. Keep in mind that when it comes to our kids and books, it is not worth it to teach a child to read earlier if that means sacrificing their love of reading in the process. Our first and foremost priority is to nurture a love for books.

A child with an insatiable appetite for stories will indeed learn to read (though it may not happen on your timetable . . . be patient!). In fact, he or she will be motivated to learn to read. And the best part? He or she will still love to do it. Prioritize your child’s love of literature, and you’ll find that down the road, you have children who can read...

Just as in the 0–3 age period, the most important aim of sharing books with 4–7s is to cultivate a deep and abiding love of stories.

WHAT 4–7S CAN DO WHILE YOU READ ALOUD • Color or draw (pull out some special pencils or markers that are only used for read-aloud time). • Work on paint-with-water books (there are some great ones by Melissa & Doug). • Lace cards with string. • Enjoy special sticker activity books (we like the ones by Usborne). • Play with shaped magnets (animals, dinosaurs, etc.) and a cookie sheet. • String pony beads on pipe cleaners. • Make patterns on geoboards with rubber bands. • Put together puzzles. • Finger knit. • Sculpt with Play-Doh or Model Magic. • Water Wow! books by Melissa and Doug (reusable paint-with-water books that don’t create a big mess)—my little kids love these.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are. Mason Cooley

Ahhh, 8–12s. I admit, this is my favorite read-aloud age of all. The books written for this age group are simply fantastic—some of the best books you’ll ever read! In addition, children this age tend to have a lengthier attention span and, especially if they’re doing something with their hands while you read aloud (like drawing or watercolor painting), they can listen for quite a long time. The most important thing to keep in mind when reading with 8–12s is simply that you must continue to read aloud, even as your child becomes a proficient reader himself. As noted in the previous chapter, the increased vocabulary and academic benefits of reading aloud continue to hold true through this age group. You can easily read aloud above your child’s independent reading level, since your 8-to-12-year-old will have a higher listening comprehension level than reading comprehension level.

When choosing books to read aloud with your 8–12s, try to cover a variety of genres. Children of this age often zero in on their favorite types of books and then read narrowly on their own. That’s fine! I let my 8–12s read narrowly if those books light them up and nurture their reading desire. I do try to purposefully read aloud from a variety of genre...

This is the age where parents often stop reading aloud to their children, but it’s where you actually want to increase your read-aloud time, if possible. Kids in this age range are interested in discovering all the things about the world they don’t yet know. They have an unquenchable thirst to learn about other people, cultures, and e...

When you have conversations about books with 8–12s, you give your child practice at asking questions about a book. What you’ll find (although it may take some time, so don’t expect it right away) is that your child will begin to ask questions and think deeply about the books she reads on her own. This is because of the way you interact with her when you spend time reading together. You are giving her good mental habits—habits of asking questions and thinki...

WHAT 8–12S CAN DO WHILE YOU READ ALOUD • Color, sketch, or draw. • Paint with watercolors. • Use Paint by Sticker books (Workman Publishing). • Sew by hand. • Knit or crochet. • Model with clay. • Sit on an exercise ball. • Fold laundry (my own favorite!). • Put together simple kits from the craft store. • Hearthsong makes design kits that my kids enjoyed at this stage—fairy, equestrian, car design, fashion studio, and interior design have all been good options. Find them at hearthsong.com.

Stories are for magic, for grand adventure, for making readers feel and see things, and for taking them to places they’ve never been. Gladys Hunt and Barbara Hampton

If you haven’t been reading aloud much, then you probably don’t want to spring it on your teen suddenly. He may feel as though you’re treating him like a baby if reading aloud isn’t something he’s used to. You can still begin to read aloud with your teen, though. Hope is not lost! It’s never too late to start reading aloud.

A couple of thoughtful strategies can ease you and your teen into a read-aloud lifestyle. One of the most effective ways to transition a teenager into reading aloud is by playing an audiobook in the car. If your child says he doesn’t want to listen to that book, tell him you put the book on for YOU, not him. You’ll find yourself with a captive audience and an engaging story being read by a skilled narrator. That will be hard to resist, even for a stubborn fourteen-year-old.

Another tactic is simply to declare that reading aloud is going to be a family activity, much like dinner or family game night. Make sure your whole family is there, then give your teen something to do with his hands while you read. Having something to fidget with can be tremendously helpful for a child who isn’t used to listening to a story being read aloud. Playing an audiobook at mealtimes or on a lazy Saturday while you gather in the family room is another way to ease in.

Here’s the biggest thing to remember: our teens don’t want to be our “projects.” If they sense that we are reading aloud to them in order to improve them, then they will resist (I mean, wouldn’t you?). If, however, they sense that we are listening to a story or reading aloud for our own delight and enjoyment, they may find the whole experience a bit more palatable.

WHAT TEENS CAN DO WHILE YOU READ ALOUD • Knit or crochet. • Make models (airplanes, etc.). • Practice calligraphy or hand lettering. • Draw or sketch. • Paint with watercolors. • Model with clay. • Do chores (wash dishes, fold laundry, bake, cook, etc.). • Make a collage.