The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

healthy level of self-motivation, somewhere between perfectionist overdrive and “let me get back to my video game.”

autonomy is key to developing motivation,

Rather than pushing them to do things they resist, we should seek to help them find things they love and develop their inner motivation.

you should think of yourself as a consultant to your kids rather than their boss or manager.

Most people feel safer when they are driving than flying (when it should be the opposite) because they believe they are more in control.

the surest way to get a picky five-year-old to eat his vegetables is to divide the plate in half and let him choose which half to eat.

Ned’s clients, Kara, was incredibly insightful about this: “When I was a kid, when my parents would say, ‘You have to eat this or that food,’ I hated it,” she said. “So if they told me I had to eat something that I didn’t want to, I’d throw it right back up on the table.” Kara remarked that sleepaway camp was a highlight of her childhood because campers got to decide from a range of choices what to do all day, and what to eat. And given the freedom

kids are more likely to persevere and to reach their full potential if they know they don’t have to do something.

Toxic stress is defined as frequent or prolonged activation of the stress system in the absence of support.

kids need a supportive adult around, they need time to recover from the stressful event, and they need to have a sense of control over their lives.

the key variable in determining the extent to which we become stressed by life experiences is how much the prefrontal cortex perceives itself to be in control.

humans can retain elevated cortisol levels for days, weeks, or even months at a time. That can be a problem, in part, because chronically elevated levels of cortisol will impair and eventually kill cells in the hippocampus, the place where memories are created and stored.

I suspect this is the root of my family's hereditary bad memory....

The motivational system is the “reward center” part of the brain that releases the neurotransmitter dopamine.

An optimal level of dopamine allows for the experience of flow,

healthy default mode network is necessary for the human brain to rejuvenate, store information in more permanent locations, gain perspective, process complicated ideas, and be truly creative. It has also been linked in young people to the development of a strong sense of identity and a capacity for empathy.

Children between the ages of twelve and eighteen show more brain development than at any time in life other than the first few years.

the prefrontal cortex, the seat of judgment, don’t mature until around age twenty-five. (The emotional control functions follow at around thirty-two!)

teens are more vulnerable to stress than children or adults.

Make a list of the things your child has control over. Is there anything you can add to that list? Ask your child if there are things he feels he’d like to be in charge of that he currently isn’t.

just read something really interesting—that there are four things about life that make it stressful: new situations, situations that are unpredictable, situations where you feel you could be hurt, criticized, or embarrassed, and situations where you don’t feel you can control what’s happening. It’s interesting, because in my job I get most stressed when I feel I’m expected to make something happen but I can’t control everything that is necessary to make it happen. Are there things that make you stressed?”

Think about ways in which you may, intentionally or inadvertently, be trying to protect your kids from experiencing mildly stressful situations that they could grow from.

Rotter Scale, developed by J. B. Rotter in 1966. We highly encourage you to take it so that you can assess your own strengths and struggles when it comes to autonomy.

For kids, we like a scale developed by Steven Nowicki and Bonnie Strickland,

This was eye-opening!

you want to give your children more of a sense of control, you will have to let go of some yourself.

Kids need responsibility more than they deserve it.

kids feel most secure when they know that adults are there to make the decisions they’re not yet ready to make themselves.

you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves.

have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.”

Robert Epstein, the former editor of Psychology Today, has written extensively about the power and potential of adolescence. Along with his colleague Diane Dumas, he developed a “test of adultness,”

When engaging in collaborative problem solving with teenagers, know that they have this bias and put a special focus on helping them to really think through the possible downsides.

other than showing your child love and affection, managing your own stress is the best thing you can do to be an effective parent.

if you have math anxiety, your kid is probably better off if you don’t offer your help.

If we’re unable to accept our kids as they are, how can we expect them to accept themselves?

Make enjoying your kids your top parenting priority.

For some kids, especially kids with ADHD, rewards can get the brain to activate for boring tasks, and can help them buckle down to do tasks that are really hard for them to do,

But these scenarios are not about developing motivation—they’re about enlisting cooperation.

rewards for things like grades or other achievements can lower performance, crush creativity, and lead to bad behavior, like a willingness to cheat on a test or take performance-enhancing drugs.

students with a growth mindset tend to see learning as a more important goal in school than obtaining good grades.

Promoting a growth mindset is one of the best ways to improve your child’s sense of control, to foster their emotional development, and to support their academic achievement.

Say things like, “Your curiosity is really fun for me to see” over “You’re so smart”; or “I’m really impressed with how hard you worked on that test” instead of “Fantastic grade!”

humans have three basic needs: A sense of autonomy A sense of competence A sense of relatedness

explaining the reasons why a task is important and then allowing as much personal freedom as possible in carrying out the task will stimulate much more motivation than rewards or punishments.

give them as much control over their choices as possible, including asking them what it is they want to be competent at and in charge of.

When your child feels connected to his teacher, he’ll want to work hard for that teacher.

know this is upsetting to you. I know you worked hard on that. I’d be happy to talk through things to help you for next time, if you want.”

The best way to motivate him for the things you think he should focus on is to let him spend time on the things he wants to focus on.

Girls are generally more interested by—and more consistently motivated to achieve in—school. They tend to have higher standards and to evaluate their performance more critically. They are more concerned about pleasing their parents and teachers.10 Girls generally have more empathy, which leads them to develop a greater fear of disappointing their teachers. Their dopamine levels tend to kick in earlier and to stay with them longer, so that some will go so far as to finish a paper two days early. They’re less likely than boys to need the stress of performing under a tight deadline to get them started. In fact, they are more likely to panic under the stress of a too-tight deadline, activating their amygdalas so that they’re no longer working effectively.

Kids with ADHD simply don’t have the dopamine levels of other children, so they need some help jump-starting their motivation,

a kid’s primary interest is in socializing with friends, encourage that interest and help him see how it will serve him professionally one day—he might have a fulfilling career as a teacher, psychologist, negotiator, lawyer, or sales director. But also tell him that most careers that place a strong emphasis on interpersonal skills require at least a bachelor’s degree, and in many cases a graduate degree. So if he wants to interact with others for a living in a meaningful way, he’ll have to learn to work hard to develop his academic capabilities.

“Even if I don’t feel like doing my work, I want to do it because it’s important for me and for my future.”