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learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Take, for example, the famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft—a quarrel that split the Republican party, put Woodrow Wilson in the White House, and wrote bold, luminous lines across the First World War and altered the flow of history. Let’s review the facts quickly. When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, he supported Taft, who was elected President. Then Theodore Roosevelt went off to Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, he exploded. He denounced Taft for his conservatism, tried to secure the nomination for a third term himself, formed the
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Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President Taft blame himself? Of course not. With tears in his eyes, Taft said: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
Even after Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the newspapers.
In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by the name of James Shields. Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter published in Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter. Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation. He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel. Lincoln didn’t want to fight. He was opposed to dueling, but he couldn’t get out of it and save his honor. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had very long
arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and, on the appointed day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death; but at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel. That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulti...
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“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “When your own doorstep is unclean.”
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Often parents are tempted to criticize their children. You would expect me to say, “don’t.” But I will not,
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.
But he did say that many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then he told me this story:
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.
“How can I make this person want to do it?”
That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.
Here is one of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships. “If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
And customers like to feel that they are buying—not being sold.
Principle 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation. Principle 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a sales-person to possess—for any person, for that matter.”
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased YOU are to have the person call.
Publilius Syrus, remarked; “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
Become genuinely interested in other people.
There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important—yet how many of us do it?
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
I was “hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
‘What is there about him that I can honestly admire?’
Always make the other person feel important.
the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature;
“hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.”
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”
Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people. Principle 2 Smile. Principle 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Principle 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Principle 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. Principle 6 Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it.
expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’
“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.”
