Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

1. What Do I Want? Pretty standard, you are quite familiar with this question by now. Yet it is the place we must always start from. What exactly do you want? If you were operating from complete self-interest, what would it be? Do not water it down or compromise yet. Start with what you truly want. 2. How much do I want this? On a scale of 1-10, rate how strongly you want this. How important is it to you? How strong is the desire? 1 being minimal and 10 being strong. 3. What needs of mine am I trying to meet? Remember the six human needs? Certainty, variety, significance, love/connection, growth, and contribution. Which of these needs are you trying to meet? If you notice that trying to please others or avoiding conflict is driving you (a.k.a. certainty/safety, trying to preserve connection), make a note of that. 4. How will this impact the other person? Determine what the other person might feel and experience as a result of your actions. Then on a scale of 1-10, rate how strong the impact will be, 1 being minimal impact, 10 being high impact with burden or cost associated to it. 5. How can other people meet their needs and get support? Get creative and think of other ways that the people you’re impacting can get the help or support they need. How else could they meet their needs if you don’t do it for them? 6. Are there any other ways to meet my needs? Similarly, get creative about how else you might meet your needs. Are there other ways to do it beyond what you came up ...

How to Say No Step one: start doing it. That’s the biggest and most important step in the whole process. Because much of our need to know exactly how to say no is really just fear. When we say we don’t know how to do it, it implies that we need to go learn how to do it before we can take action. This creates some sweet, sweet relief through some temporary avoidance. It gives us some breathing room so we can start saying no “later.” But to really gain the freedom to say no when you want to, you must start doing it. Now. The more you do it, the better you get, and the more skillful you become. In fact, there seem to be three levels to the process of saying no.

The Acceptance Paradox The most powerful way to handle any upset or criticism is to simply accept a piece of it as true. This is often the last thing we want to do because when someone is upset they might be stating or implying that we’re bad, hurtful, selfish, or otherwise no good. Even if they don’t think this, we might start to feel that way, and then need to defend ourselves.

Because even though we’re afraid of these criticisms coming from the outside, what we’re really afraid of is these criticisms coming from the inside. It’s our own critic that we’re most scared of.

And then, just breathe. Be with it. Meet it with curiosity, acceptance, patience, and love. This is a form of self-soothing that is often much more healing than trying to think your way out of it. As you tune in even deeper to the subtle sensations in your body, you can gently repeat in your mind the following phrase, “It’s OK. You’re OK.”

The same is true for your top three rules as well. Each one reflects your values. For each one, write down what it shows you value. Just a few sentences or bullet points is all we’re talking about here, nothing fancy. And don’t try to make it sound good either.

Go ahead and write your responses now. Be as loving, expressive, and warm as you can be, even if you’ve never spoken to yourself like this before. There’s a first time for everything, my friend. Then, read this to yourself. Read it over and over, fifty times if needed. Write it on your phone and read it each day in the morning and night. Slow down, and let it in. Be sure to use your name as you do it, because that has a powerful impact on your subconscious mind. I love you Aziz. You’re enough. You don’t have to do anything more to earn my love. I love you no matter what. You are amazing just as you are. I can see how big your heart is, and it’s beautiful. I love you.

Then, set aside just a few minutes to go through this process: 1. Identify the exact rule, and write it down: “I should…” 2. See what you really value underneath. 3. Replace “should” with “really want to.” 4. Appreciate yourself for wanting this. 5. Read your love letter.

The way out of guilt is to slow down and examine it. When you notice you’re feeling guilty, identify it out loud. “Ahh, this is guilt.” Then pay close attention. Slow down, bring your awareness to your mind and your body. Because the feelings of guilt can be painful, your impulse might be to stay in motion, distract yourself, or compulsively apologize. Instead of reacting to guilt, examine it.

What do you feel in your body? Do you feel tightness in your chest or a squeezing in your belly? Do you feel scared, uneasy, or heavy inside? Become intimately familiar with the patterns of guilt inside of you. Study how you “do guilt.” Then, ask yourself the most valuable question you can ask yourself whenever you feel guilty: What rule did I break? This is the first step in neutralizing guilt because it will give you valuable information about what’s happening and how to deal with it. You need to determine if this is healthy guilt or unhealthy guilt, if this is something pointing you towards being your best self, or just another sneaky pattern of perfectionism and self-hatred. To determine what rule you broke, simply listen to the voice of guilt in your head. It’s going to tell you clearly what you should do, or should not do. What you should have done, or shouldn’t have done. Those shoulds are the rules.

So how do you determine which is which? That becomes much easier once you notice the underlying rules that you broke. Look at your list of broken rules and ask yourself: Do I want to live by these rules? Do they reflect my values? Are they realistic? Do they take into account variations in the environment and the fact that I’m a human? If your answer to these questions is yes, then there is a message in your guilt that is trying to serve you.

The Plan OK, here’s the plan: For the next thirty days you are going to do one thing per day that challenges your nice-person programming.