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February 7 - February 8, 2022
Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval. It’s driven by fear, not virtue. In fact, I discovered that being nice can make us secretly less loving and more burnt out over time as we stray further and further from our authentic selves.
This is what being nice is. It’s monitoring yourself to make sure you come across in a pleasing manner and don’t offend anyone. It’s making sure others like you and don’t have any negative feelings. No upset, confusion, boredom, irritation, sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. No discomfort whatsoever. Just happy, positive, approving thoughts and feelings.
Not nice means speaking up and asserting yourself, your opinions, ideas, and desires. It’s challenging others when you disagree, standing behind your convictions, and being willing to have difficult conversations. You do this because you want full contact with life and other humans instead of hiding who you are behind a polite wall of fear. When you do have conflict or disagreement, and you inevitably will if you’re being not nice, then you are as vulnerable, skillful, and compassionate as you can be in your communications.
Because here’s the sneaky, underlying problem with standard conditioning and “normal” socialization. It is designed to create polite, non-aggressive, obedient children who mind their parents. And given that parenting, especially of small children, is so ridiculously hard and demanding, it can be difficult to always be sure that what you’re doing is actually best for your kid, or if you just want it because you’re tired, or out of patience.
Because the standard approach doesn’t quite make sense. When they’re young, we hammer in the “don’t defy me” message. But then, once they become adults, we want them to go out into the world and be direct, assertive, confident, persistent, bold, outspoken, and a leader who doesn’t take no for an answer.
You may also want to reflect on the questions above while focusing on your other parent. How did you need to be for him or her? Who could you never be? This kind of reflection can produce powerful insights into what has been driving your thoughts, feelings, and actions for many years. It’s also part of the process of liberating yourself so you can become all of who you are, which leads to being more powerful, alive, vibrant, attractive, and successful.
Here are the Approval Seeker’s objectives: 1. Avoid judgment, criticism, dislike, and disapproval at any cost. 2. Earn positive perceptions, feelings, and approval from others. Objective
And don’t get me started if the person you’re talking to is beautiful, handsome, confident, powerful, or successful. Then it becomes even worse. Their disapproval is even more important to avoid because their perception means more than yours does. I mean, after all, they are a better person because they’re skinny, or muscular, or rich, right? Speaking of which, how does your Approval Seeker show up? What specifically do you do to avoid disapproval? Also, what do you do to try to win the approval of others? This usually arises as an urge to impress others. Perhaps you try to appear very
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The reason we get so anxious about losing approval is due to our primal experience of connecting with other humans. We all learned how to connect with others starting with our first relationships, which is usually a mother, father, and siblings. In these early relationships, we learn how to connect and attach emotionally to other humans, in the deepest ways possible. This has been studied extensively, and led to a branch of psychology called Attachment Theory.
Mom gets mad when I resist her and say no; therefore, saying no is bad. Dad gets upset when I disagree with him; therefore, disagreeing with others is bad. Many of these rules are not even things you would agree with if you slowed down and examined them consciously. They’re just old programs you picked up long ago that continue to guide your feelings and behavior, regardless of whether you believe them.
This intense self-attack doesn’t help you reaffirm your values and course-correct, it diminishes your self-esteem and makes you less likely to make lasting positive changes.
During our conversation, I realized how much of my stress and guilt was coming from taking too much responsibility for everyone in my life. It was my job to make sure everyone felt completely comfortable at all times. No missing, no wanting, no frustration. In fact, I needed to anticipate their desires and preemptively satisfy them before they became upset. Because if someone was upset with me for any reason, it was my fault and I was a bad guy who needed to fix it instantly.
For example, the Semantic Technique I learned while training with Dr. David Burns at Stanford University, is simple yet powerful, and only changes one word. With all those toxic rules, you simply replace the word “should” with “prefer.”
However, when we’re living in a world where we’re entirely responsible for the feelings of everyone around us, we become constant care-takers. We are subconsciously assuming and treating others as if they are young children who cannot manage their own feelings. This misconception creates stress, burnout and an endless supply of bad guilt. It sets up unrealistic demands of how responsive you should be, and causes you to give more than you want to, and say “no” much less than you need to. This
Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand.
What did your parents teach you about anger? What did they model for you? What conclusions did you come to? Pause for a moment and reflect. Let yourself think about this over the next day or two as you go about your life. These insights are important in helping you see how you relate to anger now.
There is a big difference between feeling and doing. We can feel whatever we want. In fact, I believe it’s optimal and extremely healthy to feel everything inside ourselves. This includes all emotions, especially the ones that are uncomfortable that we call “negative,” including anger, sadness, fear, hurt, loneliness, emptiness, rage, and many others. The more we can give ourselves complete permission to feel anything, and know that it doesn’t mean anything about us, the freer we become. In addition, it doesn’t mean we necessarily have to do anything either. We’re just feeling.
Unfortunately, partial contact creates partial connection and only partial fulfillment. It’s cowardly. It’s being too scared to put myself out there in the world. It’s trying to get the good feelings without any risk. It’s trying to fill my heart up while still keeping it guarded and defended. And it doesn’t work. If you want to experience a rich, fulfilling, meaningful and significant life, direct contact is required.
Based upon appearance, wealth, position in an organization, authority, knowledge, clothing, skill level, and many other criteria, we are determining if we are above or below this person. This happens mostly unconsciously, but is happening nonetheless. When
Someone asks for something, you say yes. Someone needs help, you’re there. Someone needs a ride? Sure. Someone needs you to stay longer. No problem. And on and on it goes. When you’re over-accommodating, your habitual response to requests is yes, without hesitation, and without negotiation. You also don’t want to bother people by making requests of them. You know they are busy and have a lot on their plate, so you only ask if it’s extremely important. Otherwise, you just try to figure it out and manage on your own, so as to not be a burden to others.
Yet, even though you’re doing everything for everyone, you may have the nagging suspicion that others don’t really appreciate you. At least, they don’t seem to. In fact, they seem to treat you with less respect, as if you owe them something.
For many years, I had a terrible habit of replaying conversations in my head. Usually the ones I’d replay were the most awkward, strange, or embarrassing. Although sometimes I’d pick a seemingly ordinary one and replay that as well. As I replayed them, repeatedly, my mind would pick apart all the things I did wrong. All the ways I spoke too much (or too little), said the wrong thing, didn’t do it quite right, or otherwise sucked. This is a kind of rumination, which is just another form of anxiety.
And don’t get me started on the anxiety about other people’s feelings. I experienced so much stress over making sure everyone felt OK. If I suggested the movie or the restaurant, I had a hard time enjoying myself because I was responsible for everyone’s experience. If I invited several people to do something and they didn’t know each other, I had to make sure everyone liked each other and had a great time. If I said or did anything that could offend, bother, hurt, or annoy someone, my anxiety would skyrocket (and guilt would soon follow).
Think about that for a moment because it will blow your mind. If you’re anxious about pleasing others, and you’re worried about what others think, and you’re afraid they will reject you for your looks, for the way you talk, for how smart you are, for being not good enough… what are you imagining others are like? Harsh, judgmental, critical, quick to reject, intolerant, and dismissive. This makes you super anxious because their opinion means a lot, often more than yours does. That means not only are they jerks, they also have a ton of power over you. Just like Jim’s boss. And when that happens,
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These defenses exist to minimize the experience of uncomfortable or painful feelings, such as anger, hurt, fear, terror, sadness, and grief. They often operate below our conscious awareness. Hence, we rarely think: Hmm, I’m starting to feel some terror about knowing life is impermanent and I’m going to die. I’m also feeling deep grief about my brother being ill. Now, to defend myself against these feelings, I’m going to maximize my stress about work and focus on my upcoming project as if it’s life or death. Instead, we just feel stressed about this damn project at work, check our email
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Anger and rage at our boss, spouses, kids, neighbors, friends, or anyone else can be seen as highly threatening to our identity and sense of self. I am a good person. A loving person. A nice person. I don’t feel those terrible things. But what if these feelings start to build up to the point where we may notice them? Enter the ultimate defense: physical pain.
This list is by no means comprehensive. I believe there are more conditions that are psychogenic in nature, that is, their source is repressed emotion. At this point, any new pain or discomfort I feel, the first question I ask myself is, “what could be upsetting me in my life right now? What feelings might I not want to feel?” Then I start feeling emotions directly, and magically and consistently the pain subsides.
1. Get John E. Sarno’s books: The Mindbody Prescription and Healing Back Pain and read them. They are also available in audio version so you can listen to them instead. 2. Get Steve Ozanich’s book: The Great Pain Deception and read that one as well. 3. Go to the TMS Wiki. It is an amazing resource with endless stories of how people healed and eliminated a wide range of physical problems using the methods from Dr. Sarno’s books: http://www.tmswiki.org/ 4. Watch this short clip on YouTube of a 20/20 segment where they interview Dr. Sarno: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsR4wydiIBI (Clips are
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This disconnection from our power removes our personal agency, our sense of “I can make things happen.” When this is gone, we fall into a victim stance towards life. As I talk about in my book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence, the victim stance severely limits our capacity in life and destroys our confidence. It leads to a phenomenon called learned helplessness, where we train ourselves to see things as out of reach or impossible, so we don’t even try.
The nicer we are, the more powerless we feel, and the more trapped we become in this land of hesitation, self-doubt, and inaction.
This sense of isolation is another direct result of niceness. Because when we’re being nice and people respond well, something is a little off. They might like you, or even love you, but they don’t really know you. They know a part of you; they know your mask or persona. And while this might give you some connection in the form of people to hang out with and talk to, it doesn’t give you the connection you really seek.
And nice is a big stop sign on all of that. On the sharing, the vulnerability, the authenticity, and the self-expression. It is a controlled, managed, and rigid way of being in the world, which keeps the real you trapped.
1. Decide to be not nice. 2. Do the not nice stuff that makes you scared and uncomfortable. 3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety, doubt, fear) afterwards.
But if you can stick with it, and work through the discomfort of the backlash, this is the way out. This is your path to power, peace, confidence, and freedom. This is your path to reclaim yourself–the real you–who has been lost under layers of niceness, fear, and messages about who you “should” be.
You need a new set of rules. Better yet, you need a list of rights, things that you are allowed to do in any situation. A list of rights encourages authenticity, freedom, self-expression, and being who you really are in the world. It preserves your self-respect, personal power, and autonomy. It moves you forward and lets you create the life you want. Ready? Let’s do it now. Your New List If you could wave a magic wand and instantly become free of fear, guilt, or the need to make others see you a certain way, how would you be?
Now, let’s turn some of those images and ideas into a quick list. Just write out a list of things you might do if you had no fear, no guilt, and no doubt in yourself.
Most people who are nice were the peacemakers of their family. They weren’t the loud, defiant, confrontational ones. On the contrary, they were the ones who hated that discord and found ways to minimize it as much as possible.
It’s important to realize that company status or position does not equal smarter, more talented, or better. There are many reasons someone achieves a high rank in a company. They could have been there earlier, or in the right place at the right time.
The “Executive Committee” The key to boldly speaking up around anyone at work is to remember this key insight: Everyone you work with, no matter how high up in the company, how successful, how experienced, or how rich, is still just some person. Some dude. Some gal.
Step 3: I Noticed…
In order to really speak up for ourselves, we must share the impact someone’s behavior is having on us. Are you annoyed? Hurt? Angry? Sad? Disappointed? Feeling insignificant or unwanted? Then say so. Tell the other person what happens inside of you when they do X, Y, or Z. This step trips many people up. When I work
Say what you want. Say what you don’t want. Share what you would like to be different in the situation. Find the courage to be more direct and vulnerable, and express what you really want. “Baby, I notice I’m missing you right now. I would love to have your attention for just a few minutes. There’s something I’d like to share with you.” To relate it to the examples from earlier: “My preference would be to keep just four or five bags in that drawer. That way, it would open easily and not spill out. If you wanted more bags, I would like it if we could keep them downstairs in the laundry room.”
“How does that sound to you?” “Would you be willing to do it that way?” “Is there any reason why you wouldn’t want to?” “Is there anything that might get in the way?” And then, depending on the situation, I might specifically use the word “agreement” to highlight that we’re making an agreement.
Them: The biggest thing we have to worry about is the load that this will put on people’s systems. Right now it’s at threshold and if we add anything else, it will become totally worthless. You: You think so? I think the biggest focus is whether it can do the things users want. People want function over speed.
Start practicing casual disagreement whenever you see the opportunity. You might be surprised, just like I was, at how little others react.
The purpose here is not just to persuade. It is information gathering. Essentially, at first you have some concerns and disagree with the approach. If you gather information and it clarifies things and gives you a sense of certainty that the plan is good, you may change your mind. If you ask the tough questions and you see that the other person has not thought everything through, you have opened a door to express your opinion.
When dealing with bullies, the most important step to take is to interrupt the pattern. The old pattern is they mock and ridicule you, and you passively take it in. Or try to smile and play along, hoping it will stop tomorrow. Or you push back in a timid and submissive way, which doesn’t deter the bully. Instead, interrupt the pattern. Come back with more energy and intensity than the bully is expecting. Put your hand up just as he begins to speak and say in a loud, clear, commanding tone, “Excuse me, Darren, the adults are talking. I’m not in the mood for your high school jokes.” This is so
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So, the next time you speak up for yourself, take bold action, and step outside your comfort zone, give yourself an internal high-five. Then, when your Safety Police begins its PSF, follow this science-based, highly researched medical protocol: 1. Open up YouTube on your phone or computer. 2. Look up: “Le Freak” by Chic and press play. 3. Dance in your car and sing along! Aaahh freak out! Le freak, see'est Chic Freak out! Have you heard about the new dance craze? Listen to us, I'm sure you'll be amazed…
And that’s the key difference between healthy self-interest and callous selfishness: I consider how to meet my needs in the most skillful way possible that serves the greater good.
Giving + No Choice About the Matter = Resentment
