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July 9 - September 12, 2020
Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval. It’s driven by fear, not virtue.
It’s possible to regain your freedom to express yourself, to say “no” and ask for what you want without guilt, and to unapologetically be yourself without all the worry about how others will react.
Going from nice and restricted to bold and authentic can transform all aspects of your life.
It reawakens the lightness and joy you had as a kid, and it allows you to truly enjoy deep, fulfilling relationships
This is what being nice is. It’s monitoring yourself to make sure you come across in a pleasing manner and don’t offend anyone. It’s making sure others like you and don’t have any negative feelings.
No upset, confusion, boredom, irritation, sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. No discomfort whatsoever. Just happy, positive, approving thoughts and feelings. At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction. It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval and anything else I want (promotions, sales, friendships, dates, sex, attention).
The opposite of nice is not to be a jerk, or an asshole. It’s not insulting others, saying bigoted or highly antagonizing things, bullying, or attacking people’s characters.
The opposite of nice is being real. It’s being direct, honest, and truthful. It’s saying what you really think, expressing how you really feel, and sharing what’s true for you in that moment. This authenticity allows others to see and know the real you, which allows you to really feel love and connection.
It’s challenging others when you disagree, standing behind your convictions, and being willing to have difficult conversations. You do this because you want full contact with life and other humans instead of hiding who you are behind a polite wall of fear.
The opposite of nice is knowing who you are, what you believe in, and what you value. It’s you being powerful and going after what you want because you are no longer held back by the fear of what others will think of you. It’s you being fierce, determined, and courageous. It’s you being your best self. That means you are still kind, caring, attentive, generous, and loving. You still do things for other people, stretch yourself to give, even if it’s hard,
But you’re not doing that to please others. You’re not doing that so no one ever feels a hint of discomfort. You’re not living in fear of what others will think, in self-doubt, in “Was that good enough?” and “Did everyone there like me?”
can choose to say yes, and I can choose to say no. I can hold back and keep quiet, or I can ask a tough question that challenges someone. If someone close to me is doing something that annoys me, I can bring it up
When I really want something and the first response I get is a no, I ask questions and see if the other person is open to changing their mind. I’m completely free to choose exactly how I want to be in this moment, based on what feels right
I am the decider. I am the creator of my life. I no longer avoid, walk on eggshells, tiptoe around, or do the dance. I am me. The real me. And it feels good. I feel powerful. I feel ...
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Once you overcome one challenge and break through to the next level, you’re not done. There’s another, higher quality problem waiting for you when you get there, challenging you to step up and grow again.
a beautiful quality of life that requires us to continually grow, expand, and become the people we’re meant to be.
I was so skin-crawlingly uncomfortable with her experiencing any negative emotion,
I played a role. I took complete responsibility for every single one of her feelings, and I was held hostage by my own fear of guilt and self-loathing should she feel bad.
What if I wanted to do my own thing on a Saturday night and I didn’t feel like hanging out? What?! How could I be so heartless!
“Politeness and diplomacy are responsible for more suffering and death than all the crimes of passion in history. Fuck politeness. Fuck diplomacy. Tell the truth.” - Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty
This became glaringly obvious after yet another failed relationship in which I became over-accommodating, absorbed tons of criticism, and stayed way too long. It was time for action.
I am going to shatter this nice guy shell. I’m going to be honest and direct. I’m going to face whatever discomfort I need to face, learn whatever it is I need to learn, do whatever it takes to feel more confident, powerful, and capable.
“I am realizing that when we try to be nice, and try to be liked, we end up being repulsive across all areas of life.” - K.B.
As children grow up they become scared of doing it wrong, afraid of making mistakes, terrified of being “rude,” and apologizing preemptively for things that are not even apology-worthy. “I’m sorry, I can’t make it. Sorry.” “Sorry, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
If I really wanted to permanently extinguish that behavior using force, I’d have to come with such intensity that it would make him extremely scared of me. And even then, he might still do it when I’m not around.
I’m interested in establishing a longer-term form of influence that doesn’t condition fear-based people-pleasing into my children. I’m playing the ultra-long game.
When they’re young, we hammer in the “don’t defy me” message. But then, once they become adults, we want them to go out into the world and be direct, assertive, confident, persistent, bold, outspoken, and a leader who doesn’t take no for an answer. Guess what? After all this...
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How did you need to be in order for them to love you? How did you need to think, feel, and behave? Who did you need to be for them?
how could you never be around this parent? What brought on their disapproval?
This conditioning is powerful, greatly influences us, and is mostly unconscious. Until you do an exercise like this.
In my in-depth video training program, Confidence Unleashed, I refer to this as your “Good Boy” or “Good Girl” list. This is your template of how you need to be in order to be “good” (or worthy of love).
How were you being conditioned? The more you see that being nice is just a pattern you learned to get love and avoid pain, the more quickly you can recondition yourself and break free.
As you’ll see in the pages to come, the love and connection you deeply crave doesn’t come from pleasing others and hiding all your perceived flaws. It actually comes from boldly being yourself, saying what you actually think and feel, and sharing yourself with the world.
This kind of reflection can produce powerful insights into what has been driving your thoughts, feelings, and actions for many years. It’s also part of the process of liberating yourself so you can become all of who you are, which leads to being more powerful, alive, vibrant, attractive, and successful.
Regardless of the origins, it appears everyone has an internal Approval Seeker. This is the part of us that wants people to like us, hates conflict, disconnection, and discord. This is the part that wants everything to be smooth, for everyone to get along, and everyone to love us.
When we are being nice, we are usually identified with the Approval Seeker inside of us. Instead of it being just another part that’s influencing our feelings and behaviors, it becomes the only part. It’s driving the bus, determining where you go, what you say, and what you do. It begins to run your life.
When this happens, our primary goal in life becomes getting approval from others. Or, more specifically, avoiding disapproval from others.
our Approval Seeker really has two missions it’s trying to carry out: a prime directive and a secondary objective, if you will. While achieving both objectives is ideal, it is most important to achieve the ...
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Approval Seeker’s objectives: 1. Avoid judgment, criticism, dislike, and disapproval at any cost. 2. Earn positive perceptions,...
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Here is the Approval Seeker’s typical list of success criteria for avoiding disapproval: 1. No one has a negative thought or judgment about me. This includes my appearance, my attire, my job and income, the way I speak or move, my actions or choices, or any other qualities about me. 2. No one feels any negative or uncomfortable emotions in my presence due to me. No fear, discomfort, uncertainty, aversion, irritation, upset, confusion, or dislike. 3. No one demonstrates any non-verbal signs of disapproval. No one furrows their brow, curls their lip, or has any other physical sign of judging or
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if the person you’re talking to is beautiful, handsome, confident, powerful, or successful. Then it becomes even worse. Their disapproval is even more important to avoid because their perception means more than yours does. I mean, after all, they are a better person because they’re skinny, or muscular, or rich, right?
What things do you do to make sure people like you? What things do you avoid, so others won’t be upset?
15 Common Signs of Approval Seeking 1. Avoiding No You avoid saying no to others. You fear they will become upset or think you’re a bad person, so you usually say yes, even if it adds more stress to your life.
2. Hesitation You often wait for the “right thing” to say (and thus speak way less than you normally do).
3. Nervous Laughter You’re quick to laugh at whatever another person says, even if it’s not that funny. Your laugh might come too quickly, too often, or at inappropriate times.
4. Difficulty with Endings You have difficulty ending things, from conversations to friendships to romantic relationships. As a result, you may drag things out longer than you really want to.
5. Overly Agreeable You smile, nod, and are very agreeable with others (regardless of your actual opinions on the subject).
6. Avoiding Disagreement You avoid disagreeing with others, challenging others, or stating alternative perspectives.
7. Fear of Judgment You’re afraid of the judgments of others (which can lead to nervousness, hesitation, over-thinking, and social anxiety).
8. Fear of Upset You’re often afraid that others are secretly angry or critical of you, even though they seem to like you when you’re together. This can lead to a constant background unease that you may have “done something wrong” that someone is upset about.
