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I sometimes wonder what normal people are doing in their lives now that I’ve moved to Tomahawk, land of the crazy people who think only four families are crazy.
The other Malones wrangle George back, being the only ones capable of doing so, as they remind him he hates the town cell. Just one cell. The other person will have to be confined to the public restroom. I read this in the “newly revised” pamphlet they gave us at the beginning of the meeting.
Wild Ones Tip #270 If we won’t call you a cunt, it’s because you lack warmth and depth. In other words, we like people in a weird way.
“Actually, I want to go somewhere else,” I tell her, digging out the piece of paper in my pocket that I swiped from Liam’s bedside table. “What’s this?” Lilah asks as she reads the address. “Just drive, Lilah.” “To an address? I don’t even know my own address.” I blink at her.
“He had a girlfriend he forgot about,” I remind her softly. “And he had a crazy girl with an unhealthy addiction to boots for less than a month, and hasn’t been interested in another vagina since,” she’s quick to retort. “I’ve witnessed that first hand.”
After a beat, she turns her head to face me again, eyes serious for a change. “You can’t be reckless in every aspect of your life because you enjoy the adrenaline and the rush life gives you, then be overly cautious in the one section of your life that could give you the biggest rush you’ve ever had. It’s hypocritical, for one, and you hate hypocrisy. Trust me when I say it’s more fun to have someone always in your corner and at your back. You’re not a coward, Kylie Malone. Don’t use your mother as an excuse to wall yourself off. Otherwise, how are you any different from the people who always
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“You’re really not the best person in the world to take advice from, considering you’re a Vincent.” She shrugs. “I’m married now, so my relationship advice is totally legit,” she deadpans.
“After a few weeks, you can decide if his crazy matches your crazy,” she says as we dock.
Wild Ones Tip #109 We’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Liam breaks up the silence by saying, “I tried to get your father out of jail, by the way, but Vick said they weren’t under arrest, just in a ‘time out’ until they could both calm down. Chester also got arrested and was locked in a bathroom.” When people say this stuff out loud, it makes it sound much crazier than it is when you’re living in the moment.
“I’m sorry they invaded your day.” “I’m sorry you’re going to have to see me try to river dance at some point,” he states flatly as he puts his beer down. “I can promise you that will be twice as painful to endure.” My eyebrows rise, because that’s random even by my standards.
“Then let’s find out if our crazies match,” I tell him, quoting Lilah’s married-life advice. His grin takes up his whole face. “I have no idea what that means, but it sounds a little dirty.” His gaze dips to my shirt, and he quirks an eyebrow. “Feed the beaver?” he asks. “Sure. Why not?” I ask, standing and pulling my shirt off over my head.
Wild Ones Tip #912 You can sit with us if you really wanna. Bring a helmet.
His hands go to his sides, making him look like a superhero, sort of like he always looked when he was raising me and my unruly cousins on his own. But why is he actually posing right now?
She states these things as though it’s supposed to be obvious all the time, and I always smile because…I have no idea. Hell, it doesn’t take much to make me smile like a fucking schmuck. She knows her power over me, but likes to pretend she doesn’t. Or maybe she doesn’t know, and I like to pretend she does.
“What’s going on here?” George asks, his brow scrunched as he gestures toward me. “Liam is hanging out today. I’m making him endure my presence as much as possible to test his tolerance level,” she deadpans, causing more confusion to wander around inside me aimlessly. George nods. “Good idea. You two can start on the asses.”
“So you’re officially a Tomahawk man now,” her dad tells me, lifting his glass as I chug down the lemonade, surprised by how good it is. I nod, not bothering to open my mouth and say something that might get something thrown at my head. Never can tell with these people. It’s a family of sour patch kids.
“You calling me stupid?” he asks, scowling. “No. I just think you have bad luck when you try to speak and think at the same time.”
Wild Ones Tip #587 It’d be easier to tell you to wear a helmet all the time instead of trying to guess when you might need one. Just don’t make it weird.
I’m patiently waiting on her to guide this. I had my chance. It was me who messed it up last time. This time it’s her turn to take the reins. Three weeks is a long time. I know this, because three weeks changed my life one time. I stalked the girl of my dreams. I moved into a very weird town that loves pot and explosives—a combination that would terrify most.
She turns to look at her in confusion. “You haven’t found a shirt yet?” Kylie calls. “Liam pulled me aside to show me his dick. Benson’s is bigger,” Lilah is quick to say, and the color drains from my face. Kylie bursts out laughing, and I immediately relax. Damn Vincent. Why did I ask her for help instead of Penny?
“Lock up, Lilah,” she calls behind her. “I’ll do it as soon as I get finished with your vibrator,” Lilah deadpans. Sometimes I can’t tell when she’s joking or when she’s serious.
Wild Ones Tip #32 The four-letter words are our favorites. Except hell. No one likes hell, though. Hell’s too pretentious with its ‘No Wild Ones Allowed’ policy.
I’ve been doomed from the beginning and was an idiot not to realize it sooner. If I had a phone, we’d be arguing about who had to hang up first before I came out of the bathroom and joined him in the bed.
“Like what you see, Kylie Malone?” Only he can flail around like an idiot for five solid minutes just to undress and still be smug when he catches me staring.
“You’re wearing entirely too many clothes,” he murmurs against my lips. “Because I didn’t get wet,” I remind him. “Pretty sure I always get you wet,” he deadpans, his smirk fixed on his face like he’s waiting for me to pat him on the back for that quick wit.
“What the hell?” Liam groans. “What’s wrong, lover boy? The little guy cold or is he always so small?” Hale Vincent asks with a grin. “Why are you walking around naked in front of us?” Killian asks, as though he’s genuinely confused.
I’m not sure why I get butterflies when he tells them I’m his girlfriend, but I do. I also mentally pick out pretty butterflies that would look good under his name for my boob tattoo. I might need someone to slap me. Lilah would definitely oblige.
He seems really tense, so maybe he farted and I just thought he said those words?
Wild Ones Tip #847 Life is like a box of rocks. Ever had a box of rocks? It’s really hard and is constantly spilling to make a mess.
Wild Ones Tip #209 We weren’t born with enough middle fingers to deal with people. Wear a helmet.
I knew she was intrusively nosy, but not to the point where she took notice of the fact I haven’t bought condoms in a while.
She pats my shoulder. Really? Who touches me without permission? Why is she scared of Nila and not me?
Wild Ones Tip #20 Karma takes too long, and we’re impatient. We’d rather beat the shit out of you right now. WEAR A HELMET!
don’t call it mechanical lubricant, or the Vincents won’t stop laughing—
“And now we have Black Belt Benson.” “No,” Benson says, holding a finger up.
I feel like I’ve missed a very important conversation that the three of them have only shared with their minds.
“Give him Heath,” Hale says, pointing at me. “Heath is the slowest.” “Yeah, but he also hits the hardest if he does manage to land a punch,” Benson argues. I genuinely thought he was the sane one of this bunch.
jock itch,”
Jared curses when Benson smirks at him. Usually Jared looks like he wants to hurt someone, but apparently Benson is the one guy no one particularly wants to fight. Jared snatches Eric and pulls him closer. “Five on four means I get one to help me with the ninja,” Jared explains.
Apparently, I can’t have one foot in and one foot out—or, you know, be a sane and rational person.
“Is there a certain amount of paces we need between us?” I ask, calmer now that I realize there’s no real point to this. They’re just simply crazy.
“So when does the fighting begin?” I ask curiously. As if cued, the chorus screams, “Born to be wild,” starts playing, and several of the Malones start pounding their chests like gorillas. The Vincents howl loudly into the air. Then everyone but me charges into action. I stand still while nodding to myself. “Of course we were waiting on the chorus,” I say under my breath, dodging the first weird snake-hand strike from Jason before slamming my fist into his side.
Wild Ones Tip #257 We hit first and ask questions later. But no nipple twisting allowed. Keep it classy.
Lilah smirks at me. “It’s been a while, Kylie Malone, and I’ve wanted to do this since you helped kidnap me for Aunt Penny’s evil plan.” “You’re happily married,” I remind her warily. “True. But that’s not the point,” she says, backing up as her eyes light up with mischief.
Wild Ones Tip #345 We assume there’s really more than one rule to Fight Club, but no one is ever allowed to talk about the rest. So we just simply made up our own rules from there.
Kylie points out in a reasonable tone that doesn’t match the unreasonable circumstances.
Wild Ones Tip # 442 We’re easy like Sunday morning…as long as you wear a helmet.
Wild Ones Tip #367 Custody disputes are as ugly as a shaved opossum.
“Let’s hurry this along. You know how I feel about all of you in one place,” he says loudly, then points a threatening gavel toward George. “And you broke the rules. Don’t think that went unnoticed. I know about your unsanctioned party three weeks ago that had all the Wild Ones in attendance.” I don’t even remember the party. Like at all. I remember Kai Wilder getting there early, and saying, drink this, before handing me a mason jar with clear liquid. It was lights out for me after that, and I woke up floating in front of my house with Kylie on top of me. She hit the mason jar too.
