That's What She Said: What Men Need to Know (and Women Need to Tell Them) About Working Together

by Joanne Lipman

In fact, daughters of working mothers earn higher incomes as adults, while sons of working moms spend more time on child care and household chores as adults. And men who were raised by working moms “are significantly more egalitarian in their gender attitudes,” according to Harvard Business School professor Kathleen McGinn.

When Rebecca was born, my company offered four weeks’ paid leave. I know I was lucky to have that kind of stability. Even so, we were still paying off my husband’s law-school loans. I was absurdly excited to learn Rebecca was breech and she had to be delivered via cesarean section, which meant I got an extra two weeks of disability pay because the C-section was classified as major surgery. When Andrew came along two years later, I chose to have a C-section, in part because of those extra two weeks’ pay.

Ack. Leave policy steering women into having c-sections? :(

I was feeling plenty sorry for myself. But one day, Carol and I managed to find time together on the phone. And then she told me what life was really like for her. She was paid half-time, yes. But her workload remained almost the same. The past year, she told me, she had billed 85 percent as many hours as the full-time lawyers at her firm, while earning half as much.

Full-time, half-pay (, benefits?) doesn’t sound all that great either. But maybe she has a little more time for kids at least?

THERE ARE A few encouraging rumblings of change. Dozens of companies now offer “returnships,” for both men and women who have taken time off. Structured somewhat like internships, they offer training and ease participants back into the working world.

Brilliant. Also wonder if companies are reluctant in part because the returners might expect much higher compensation/advancement than new grads?

But a recent study found that men frequently cite themselves. By pumping up the number of citations, they create the illusion of widespread recognition, and increase their perceived level of authority and influence. That translates directly into professional recognition and rewards. The tactic has grown over the last two decades, with men citing themselves 70 percent more frequently than do women.

Rithmire is critical of the “Lean In” movement, which encourages women to support one another. It’s “done more harm than good,” Rithmire said. “The expectation is women have to take care of one another—and meanwhile, my male colleague is publishing articles.” The time that women spend mentoring other women, or sitting on multiple departmental panels because there are so few women to choose from, hurts them professionally by taking precious hours away from their core jobs,

Senior women are so scarce that they are often tapped to sit on every committee, to represent their organizations at conferences, to be the public face for recruiting, and to mentor other women. All of which prevents these women from actually doing their jobs.

Totally see this. I imagine it’s difficult for a man to get up, empathize with and then give advice to women...and for them to take him seriously. There are going to be roles that women will have to play, but the rest should be among the available and the capable, regardless of gender.

Consulting firm McKinsey & Company’s leader, Dominic Barton, the Canadian-born son of a missionary, for example, is one of this country’s most outspoken advocates for women. He encourages senior men to mentor up-and-coming women. The firm requires all employees to take unconscious-bias training (it used to be voluntary, but “the people that have the problem, that are biased, don’t come,”

Solution: Institute a “no interruptions” rule for everyone, as The Walking Dead producer Glen Mazzara does. Alternatively, if a woman is cut off in conversation, cut off the interruptor: “Olivia was speaking. Let’s let her finish her thought first.”

Beginning of the practical advice/how-to section, just as I was thinking that she didn’t really take a stand and say what should be done. This is what we as individuals can do to make our own workplaces better for women, but what else should we be advocating collectively? How much of the Iceland roadmap could and should we push for?

Solution: Women are highly aware of these verbal ticks and try to control them themselves. But if they don’t, just remember the next time a woman ends a sentence in a question-mark “upspeak,” imagine she is instead stating it as a fact and banging on the table.

Solution: Would you say that to a man? If not, you probably should not say it to a woman, either.

Solution: Be on the lookout for slights large and small, and adjust your own behavior. When you meet a couple, do you ask the man about his work but ignore the woman? Do you listen to a man in a meeting, but look at your email when a woman speaks? That vigilance goes for all of us,

Don’t decide for her. When a new opportunity comes up, I’ve often heard senior executives say that Mia would be ideal, but she has a new baby at home and wouldn’t want to travel . . . or she has young kids and wouldn’t want to relocate . . . or she wouldn’t want to take on the extra hours. Solution: Don’t assume. Ask her. Even if she declines, present the next opportunity, and the one after that.

Solution: If you’re a manager, check your employee reviews to ensure you evaluate men and women equally. And by the way, if a woman does tear up, understand why: She isn’t crying because she’s sad. She’s crying because she is frustrated—or because she’s mad as hell. When men are angry, they yell; for women, crying is pretty much the same thing.

Solution: If you’re a manager, take a look at whether you are rewarding the squeaky wheel—whether men are demanding raises more often and outearning women with comparable experience on your team. And if you’re an employee, arm yourself with salary data, available from companies like PayScale, Salary.com, and Glassdoor.

“Hire women your mom’s age.” That catchy headline on a New York Times op-ed by Sally Koslow, a former editor in chief of McCall’s, perfectly captures the conundrum of older women. Many either quit or took lesser “mommy track” roles when their children were young. But as the kids fly the nest, women have as much ambition as ever, and are eager to rev up their careers. Solution: Hire them! Better yet, help structure work so that we don’t lose them in the first place. For women who want to step back when kids are young, offer projects that don’t require facetime but allow them to continue to contribute and grow—for

Solution: Make sure qualified women are in the mix, whether they have put up their hands or not. Be prepared to twist a few arms. Several executives I spoke with told me they identify women who have the right criteria, and ask them to apply.

Consider women for promotions and new roles even when they don’t apply/ask for them.