White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism

by Robin DiAngelo

White people do need to feel grief about the brutality of white supremacy and our role in it. In

“Would you be willing to grant me the opportunity to repair the racism I perpetrated toward you in that meeting?”

“I realize that my comment about Deborah’s hair was inappropriate.”

“The next time you do something like this, would you like feedback publicly or privately?” she asks. I answer that given my role as an educator, I would appreciate receiving the feedback publicly as it is important for white people to see that I am also engaged in a lifelong process of learning and growth. And I could model for other white people how to receive feedback openly and without defensiveness.

from a transformed paradigm, when we are given feedback on our inevitable but unaware racist patterns, we might have very different feelings: Gratitude Excitement Discomfort Guilt Motivation Humility Compassion Interest When we have these feelings, we might engage in the following behaviors: Reflection Apology Listening Processing Seeking more understanding Grappling Engaging Believing

these claims suggest openness and humility. I appreciate this feedback. This is very helpful. It’s my responsibility to resist defensiveness and complacency. This is hard, but also stimulating and important. Oops! It is inevitable that I have this pattern. I want to change it. It’s personal but not strictly personal. I will focus on the message and not the messenger. I need to build my capacity to endure discomfort and bear witness to the pain of racism. I have some work to do.

When white people ask me what to do about racism and white fragility, the first thing I ask is, “What has enabled you to be a full, educated, professional adult and not know what to do about racism?” It is a sincere question.

If we take that question seriously and map out all the ways we have come to not know what to do, we will have our guide before us. For example, if my answer is that I was not educated about racism, I know that I will have to get educated. If my answer is that I don’t know people of color, I will need to build relationships. If it is because there are no people of color in my environment, I will need to get out of my comfort zone and change my environment; addressing racism is not without effort.

The final advice I offer is this: “Take the initiative and find out on your own.”

You would very likely go home, get on the internet, and read everything you could find on the subject. You might join a discussion group with people who had experience with the condition.

Bottom line: you would care enough to get informed. So consider racism a matter of life and death (as it is for people of color), and do your homework.

THE REPAIR

First, once I was aware that I had behaved problematically, I took the time to process my reaction with another white person.

When Angela and I met, I owned my racism.

I simply admitted that my behavior was offensive.

I asked Angela what I had missed. She was willing to enlighten me further, and I accepted this additional feedback and apologized.

Many people of color have assured me that they will not give up on me despite my racist patterns; they expect that I will have racist behavior given the society that socialized me. What they are looking for is not perfection but the ability to talk about what happened, the ability to repair. Unfortunately, it is rare for white people to own and repair our inevitable patterns of racism. Thus, relationships with white people tend to be less authentic for people of color.

Many people of color are committed to teaching whites about racism (on their own terms) and have been offering this information to us for decades, if not centuries.

We can get involved with multiracial organizations and white organizations working for racial justice. And we can build authentic cross-racial relationships and be willing to watch, listen, and learn.

Simply by virtue of living an integrated life and paying attention, we will learn what we need to know.

When we engage with the feedback and seek to repair the breach, the relationship deepens.

what are some things I can do or remember when my white fragility surfaces?

Breathe. Listen. Reflect. Return to the list of underlying assumptions in this chapter. Seek out someone with a stronger analysis if you feel confused. Take the time you need to process your feelings, but do return to the situation and the persons involved.

We can educate ourselves about the history of race relations in our country. We can follow the leadership on antiracism from people of color and work to build authentic cross-racial relationships. We can get involved in organizations working for racial justice. And most important, we must break the silence about race and racism with other white people.

I know that because I was socialized as white in a racism-based society, I have a racist worldview, deep racial bias, racist patterns, and investments in the racist system that has elevated me. Still, I don’t feel guilty about racism.

There are many approaches to antiracist work; one of them is to try to develop a positive white identity.

However, a positive white identity is an impossible goal.

Rather, I strive to be “less white.” To be less white is to be less racially oppressive. This requires me to be more racially aware, to be better educated about racism, and to continually challenge racial certitude and arrogance.

To be less white is to be open to, interested in, and compassionate toward the racial realities of people of color.

To be less white is to break with white silence and white solidarity, to stop privileging the comfort of white people over the pain of racism for people of color, to move past guilt and into action.

I can offer a few strategies for trying to work with one another on our white fragility.

First, I try to affirm a person’s perspective before I share mine, and when I do share mine, I try to point the finger inward, not outward.

share what I have come to understand with the emphasis on how this understanding relates to me.

If someone gains insight from what I share, that is wonderful. But the objective that guides me is my own need to break with white solidarity, even when it’s uncomfortable, which it almost always is. In the end, my actions are driven by my own need for integrity, not a need to correct or change someone else.

navigating white fragility is fundamentally a matter of survival for people of color.

It is white people’s responsibility to be less fragile;

The default of the current system is the reproduction of racial inequality; our institutions were designed to reproduce racial inequality and they do so with efficiency.

Interrupting racism takes courage and intentionality; the interruption is by definition not passive or complacent.

we must never consider ourselves finished with our learning.