White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism

by Robin DiAngelo

Thus, the first rule is cardinal: 1. Do not give me feedback on my racism under any circumstances. If you insist on breaking the cardinal rule, then you must follow these other rules: 2. Proper tone is crucial—feedback must be given calmly. If any emotion is displayed, the feedback is invalid and can be dismissed. 3. There must be trust between us. You must trust that I am in no way racist before you can give me feedback on my racism. 4. Our relationship must be issue-free—if there are issues between us, you cannot give me feedback on racism until these unrelated issues are resolved. 5. Feedback must be given immediately. If you wait too long, the feedback will be discounted because it was not given sooner. 6. You must give feedback privately, regardless of whether the incident occurred in front of other people. To give feedback in front of any others who were involved in the situation is to commit a serious social transgression. If you cannot protect me from embarrassment, the feedback is invalid, and you are the transgressor. 7. You must be as indirect as possible. Directness is insensitive and will invalidate the feedback and require repair. 8. As a white person, I must feel completely safe during any discussion of race. Suggesting that I have racist assumptions or patterns will cause me to feel unsafe, so you will need to rebuild my trust by never giving me feedback again. Point of clarification: when I say “safe,” what I really mean is “comfortable.” ...