Neighborly

by Ellie Monago

Women spend their lives trying to set up a certain image—through their clothes, their hair, their shoes—that will serve as a dog whistle for other women of similar ilk. Me,

It’s not that I enjoy being in constant motion; it’s that what I want most is to relax, and I can’t allow myself relaxation until everything’s done.

think? panic. On this block where everything is so geometrically neat (every hedge, even the garbage cans along the curb are precisely horizontal), I was gripped with fear. They were throwing us a party, and we were sullying their perfect neighborhood. We stuck out, worse than a sore thumb. We were a dirty thumb. All the other houses dwarfed ours, and we had our own trash mountain, like it was Appalachia. Plus, Doug hadn’t even set up the big trash pickup yet. He told me not to worry, he’d handle everything, but how could I not worry? Given

item on my to-do list simply becomes, “Ask Doug if he’s done x or y.” That’s way worse than just doing x or y, because it turns me into a nag. I’m not a nag; I’m a doer.

Anxiety craves a certainty it’ll never get, Dr. Morrison once told me. But the majority of the time, the most obvious suspect is the right suspect. If a wife is murdered, chances are the husband did it. Or vice versa.

The threat of her unhappiness hangs over me all the time, my own sword of Damocles.

“How things feel isn’t necessarily how they are.” “Are you always going to talk in riddles?” “That wasn’t a riddle. That was as straightforward as it gets.”

It occurs to me that we’re all just waiting to be chosen for something, all wanting to find out that we’re good enough.

“No, really, I am! You think I’m all fun and games? I’ve got layers, people. Seriously, I’m a Bermuda onion.” We all laugh.

These women aren’t just drinking buddies. There’s a genuine depth to their connection. Part of me wants what they have. Another part is frightened by it.

“You can’t change the facts of your past. But you can change how they influence your present and your future. You can take back your power.”

Hurt, disappointment, sadness. Loss. You’ve lost a lot.” “I don’t think I feel those things.” “Because you cover them up with anger. Because you don’t want to be powerless. Anger can make you feel powerful.”

“There’s something special about you, Kat,” Andie says. “Sometimes it’s like your heart is on the outside, you know? Like people can see all you’re hoping for, even though you think you’re guarding it so well. You’re vulnerable in spite of yourself.”

The flip side of all that hope is disappointment, you know? We’re all afraid to be disappointed.”

But what’s that old saying? Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean nobody’s after you.

“I’m into people who are kind, not nice. You can’t trust nice. And she’s got nice written all over her.”