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September 29 - October 9, 2021
If everyone treats you like you’re broken, you may eventually crack.
The past and the present are usually good predictors of the future.
For many asexual people, expressing feelings of love and closeness through sex just doesn’t naturally occur to them, or sex doesn’t seem like it is intrinsically attached to love.
In reality, friendships can be among the deepest relationships people have—and
Aromantic asexual people should not be assumed to be single and looking or assumed resigned to single life due to failure to find a partner; many really enjoy being single and wouldn’t have it any other way.
relationship-seeking people should try to express their desires as “their preferences,” not as “the way things are supposed to be” (therefore attempting to justify demands that only asexual partners be required to compromise).
If a compromise can’t be reached or someone is unhappy with the compromises after trying them out, it’s okay to acknowledge that some partnerships can’t work.
Breakups can of course involve frustration and bitterness, and sometimes the ex-partners will carry guilt regarding their inability to make their partner(s) happy, but any partnership needs to take an honest look at the partners’ needs and recognize if they are ill-equipped to meet them.
The decision to go your separate ways for each of your own good can be a self-affirming and healthy experience and shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a failure or “proof” that these types of relationships never work.
It is ok
Even if partners must end a relationship that turns out to be incompatible, they can still treasure the time they had together and consider it a growing experience.
Communication is key, and non-asexual people should attempt to understand that asexual people are frequently led to believe they are undesirable and unworthy of love.
Sometimes asexual people get married and tolerate sex they may not desire because they’ve been taught they’re supposed to want it, believing it’s just part of being a good spouse.
Some asexual-spectrum people and their allies feel asexuality is inherently queer, while some believe the term is inaccurate or don’t personally identify with it.
Non-asexual people don’t know what it’s like to be asexual. They may not know what it’s like to be honest about one’s orientation only to be told such a thing isn’t real, isn’t happening, isn’t possible.
Asexual people are subjected to many assumptions about their sexuality that can easily wear down their self-esteem and force them to question whether they can trust their own feelings,
Invisibility means not being able to connect with others like you. It means being very likely to come to the conclusion that you are broken. It means seeing no boxes to check and being filled with fear or shame or frustration. It means being isolated in a way that is unimaginable to most people who take their visibility for granted. And it means that as soon as you try to be seen—regardless of whether you’re just asking the initial questions or deliberately spreading asexual-specific awareness—the vile attitudes and unreasonable requests for justification you will be subjected to will probably
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Partnered relationships are so expected in our society that being happy without one is often regarded as impossible.
Asexual Women, Asexual Men There are more women than men represented in asexual communities.
AVEN—the Asexual Visibility and Education Network—it is common to reference sharing and eating cake. This developed when some members discussed “what’s better than sex?” and cake was the most popular answer.
Asexuality has an awareness week. It has historically been celebrated in mid-October,
The organization Asexual Awareness Week (www.asexualawarenessweek.com) is the best place to check for dates and events.
Ace Awareness Week
popular places for asexual people to hang out online are AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network—lots of articles and forums); LiveJournal’s asexuality community (themed discussions with functional commenting, in blog format); Tumblr’s various asexuality-themed blogs (largely image-heavy, with easy tracking of who and how many people are sharing and who’s saying what);
Asexual is what people call themselves if they aren’t sexually attracted to other people.
People don’t decide they’re asexual on a whim once they hear it’s an option. They usually find a word for what they feel and something clicks for them, resulting in profound gratefulness and relief.
People who are asexual typically struggle for years trying to find some indication of what’s wrong with them or whether anyone else feels the way they do.
Very few people believe the only meaningful relationships have to be sexual.
most people consider their significant others to be the most important people in their lives or their best friends.
Some, especially those who are introverts, may seem “lonely” if they spend most of their time alone, but preferring solitude isn’t the same as being lonely.
One thing that tends to make asexual people unhappy is that other people feel the need to try to fix them, and it does cause stress.
Chances are, if someone has declared that they’re asexual, they like themselves that way and they aren’t going to be enticed to “change” because someone keeps expressing how concerned they are.
Maybe you really enjoy kissing or cuddling and are very sensual, but then don’t want it to “escalate.”
Maybe you are willing to have sex, but never find yourself initiating it or suggesting it to partners.
Maybe you have trouble pleasing a partner because you’re not into it and don’t really know what they would be into, either.
What ties most of these experiences together is that most asexual people have felt like outsiders in this aspect of their lives.
remember it is not a diagnosis someone else can give to you, and it is not a final decision you can’t undo. You can change it if you need to! It’s a description.
Asexual communities are very diverse and friendly in many places, and most asexual people have a confusing and frustrating story just like you might. Here’s hoping you have a smooth transition into understanding your issues and navigating the world without having to feel inferior or left out or isolated anymore.
If experiencing pushback or criticism would overwhelm you and you’re scared to invite it, don’t beat yourself up. Just wait, and if one day you’re ready, then come out only to trusted people. If you’re worried about how a particular friend or relative will react to the news for their sake, you aren’t obligated to tell them.
If you don’t want to use the word asexual but don’t want to pretend to be another sexual orientation either, a line that works well is “I’ve just never met anyone I’m interested in that way, and I’m fine with that for now.”
You deserve respect and you shouldn’t be made to feel like you’re on the defensive when you’re talking about asexuality.
If they’re concern trolling, ask them if they need printouts of your fitness routines and food intake. Obviously if they’re so concerned about your health, they should want the whole picture, right? Oh, but somehow only your sexuality is of interest? What’s really going on here?
You may try coming out to people you don’t know well first, if you feel that’s appropriate, just to get a taste for the kinds of things people will be asking and a little experience saying the words out loud.
If you are in a relationship and you have come out to your partner(s), you should try to be understanding at first if they are upset by it. Let them be upset, try to be reassuring, and tell them you’ll try to figure out together how everyone involved can be happy during the next conversation. If they seem understanding, though, and want to figure out how to negotiate right away, one great thing to do is have each of you figure out your must-haves, your dealbreakers, and what you’re willing to compromise.
(Easier said than done if it’s a long-term relationship and/or a marriage, but not all partnerships can negotiate compatibility, and it’s better to call it quits
asexual people are not completely incompatible in relationships with non-asexual people.
coercing someone into unwanted sex and telling them they should like it is abuse.
You may also be able to make friends who support you and understand you in ways that others can’t quite follow.
Hopefully it won’t be long before you feel at home and accepted, inside and out.
If someone you know is asexual and you want to talk about it, keep these two pieces of advice in mind: One, do more listening than talking/asking when it comes to the asexual person’s perspective. Two, educate yourself on the subject; a list of helpful resources is included in the last chapter of this book.
Asexuality is: An orientation describing people who don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone.
We’re probably not asking you to comfort us.
