Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

by Jennifer O'Toole

The truth remains, though, that most of the traumas we endure and accept aren’t illegal—yet they are all immoral and terrible.

No matter how gently we challenge a twisted version of reality, the challenge itself is regarded as a personal affront, escalating the dynamic to include intimidation and punishments, anger, bullying, and threats of abandonment.

I wish I could tell you that the road to Next was clear and pretty and, finally, gentle. It was anything but. When anger came, it possessed me, bringing gut-wrenching, animalistic howls of grief and pain and humiliation, then, alternatively, hollowing my voice to an unearthly calm. The raw traumas rioted through my body and mind like a soldier fresh home from war. Which, in nearly every sense, I was.

I am still discovering how little it really takes for me to feel loved … and how much less I’ve accepted.

When you’re there, rock bottom can feel like the final, almost inevitable destination. It’s not. No matter how hard or how many times we hit, I’m living proof that rock bottom can also be the lonely, terrifying, deep-dark place where we change direction. Where we push off and swim like hell until, finally, we can breathe again.

For spectrum minds, too much choice will halt you in your steps.

The issue is that people are malleable and affected and, often, false.

And perfectionism isn’t a condition—it’s a description of how it looks when a person is bound by rigid, external, artificial criteria and compelled to seek solutions, not in change, but in repetition.

A time when opportunities are missed, decisions become dangerous, and hope is lost … not because of a lack of talent or passion or effort, but because of social gaffes, communication gaps, self-doubt, and plain old mind-blindness.