Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum

by Jennifer O'Toole

Human spectrum first. Same end. Different means. In the intensity of the drive toward “display-focused” play, of the stress over other kinds of interaction, and of the distress in any change in the order created, I could see some of the uniquenesses of an autistic mind, like literal thinking, cognitive rigidity, and difficulty, with spontaneous social interaction.

“Autistic” is a neurological, not pathological, profile—a constellation of highly attuned cognitive and sensory skills that happens to come packaged along with some equally exquisitely particular challenges.

The really important finding is that the brains of girls with autism are also operating differently from the brains of boys with autism.

we don’t camouflage well, we tend to find ourselves ridiculed, shamed, ostracized, or abused. If we do camouflage well, we can disguise ourselves right out of identification, not to mention out of the compassion, resources, and insight diagnosis can bring. Instead, our misunderstandings are misread. Our intentions mistaken. We are vulnerable to the presumptions we’ve allowed others to make about us about our abilities to discern friend from foe and predator from lover, about how much direction we really do need, or self-awareness we really do have.

Autistic neurology classically involves challenges to executive functioning skills, like difficulty with switching tasks and working memory, with scattered attention and social anxiety.

an autism diagnosis offers the gift of a label signifying authentic self-awareness, acceptance, and true empowerment.

What’s it like to be us? Too much. We feel too much. React too much. Say too much. Need too much. So says the world. I say: the world is wrong. There is an exquisite trade-off for a life so differently led: complex imagination, limitless curiosity, profound compassion, and restless independent thought. They are the core of everything I am. They will be responsible for whatever legacy I leave behind.

Everything we do, we do intensely and often spend a great deal of time analyzing our own thinking processes (metacognition) as well as larger, complex ideas.

When we feel either understimulated or overstimulated, we physically cannot reason, listen, or think about anything else. We can’t just ignore it. We can’t learn. We can’t be spontaneous or fun. We can’t rationalize well. And we can’t hear others’ needs, let alone be certain we understand our own. It’s like trying to see your own reflection in a pot of boiling water. Nothing is clear.

What looks like “high-functioning” is really just “highly camouflaged.” My challenges aren’t less real. Nor are they less autistic. They’re just less obvious.

“It’s wondering … always wondering and never understanding: how can I be so smart and still feel so stupid?”

We don’t actually have different brains. We have differently wired, equally human brains.

The only common factor we can find in every disaster is ourselves. To my mind, experience had proven over and again that given enough time, I could successfully irritate and tire out any coworker, friend, boyfriend, or family member into not just being done with me, but into seriously disliking me … and quite possibly even hating me.