The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage

by Shawn T. Smith

For the mind, it’s all about finding short-term relief, sometimes at the cost of long-term pain.

“Look for the red flags early in the relationship. If anything pops up early on, don’t let that slide. Most people are on their best behavior in the beginning. They hide it well until around the six-month mark. For example, if she gets drunk and is screaming at you for no reason within the first month, run as fast as you can. Don’t let something like that slide. There are underlying issues there.”

Being unclear on personal values may be one of the costliest relationship mistakes men make.

To attract healthy women, a man needs to possess a clear set of values he’s willing to fight for. When she sees you defend what’s important, she learns that you are capable of defending her.

Good people can disagree, and not every conversation needs a tidy conclusion.

Choosing to become useful is what saved me.

The second law of thermodynamics says your world and your plans will descend into chaos if you allow it.

A woman who lacks resilience will mightily speed that process of erosion by adding an extra layer of chaos. Each moment you spend rescuing her from the emotional distress of minor disappointment is one moment you won’t spend pursuing your goals.

The un-resilient woman will utterly suck the wind o...

“planful problem-solving.”

the ability to lick one’s wounds and then get back in the game is a defining characteristic of resilience.

If she’s neglecting herself physically, spiritually, or emotionally, then she’s not bringing the best version of herself to the relationship. Worse, poor self-care can snowball into all kinds of physical and emotional problems that could have easily been avoided.

Don’t expect perfection, just effort.

Men around the world are usually taught to suck it up and move on.

Perhaps it’s no coincidence, then, that depressed men tend to be more irritable than sad.

Women also bring their workaday stress into the relationship in different and arguably more destructive ways than men.

Men tend to be service oriented, so we’re prone to “rescuing” damsels in distress. It rarely works. You are not obligated to remain with someone who is unwilling to confront her own struggles.

When people don’t have a strategy for handling difficult thoughts, and when they overvalue quick fixes, they can get lost in negatively reinforcing behaviors like swilling beer until the bar closes

On a somewhat related note, beware the woman who boasts of being an “old soul” or wise beyond her years. That can be a powerful defense against self-scrutiny. If she regards herself as an old soul, you can look forward to some very frustrating disagreements in which you get to carry all the blame. Genuinely wise people scrutinize their own behaviors while “old souls” ironically see no reason to do so.

It’s not what she’s struggling with, it’s her willingness to manage it that counts.

It’s not your job to rescue her from herself.

Your efforts will fail, and she’ll probably re...

The woman who is unwilling to strive for her best state of mental health is unlikely to succeed in relationships.

If you’re looking for a rule of thumb about how long to wait before committing real resources to a woman, here it is: Get beyond the honeymoon phase, then date for at least another year.

The ability to step back from conflict is vital.