Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

by Rick Hanson

There’s a fundamental idea in psychology and medicine that the path your life takes depends on just three causes: how you manage your challenges, protect your vulnerabilities, and increase your resources.

These causes are located in three places: your world, your body, and your mind. When you combine the causes and the places, there are nine ways to

Mental resources like determination, self-worth, and kindness are what make us resilient: able to cope with adversity and push through challenges in the pursuit of opportunities.

Every human being has three basic needs—safety, satisfaction, and connection—that

We meet our needs in four major ways: by recognizing what’s true, resourcing ourselves, regulating thoughts, feelings, and actions, and relating skillfully to others and the wider world.

Think about what a typical day would be like if you were on your own side.

the more influence we have over someone, the more responsibility we have to treat them well.

Even subtle forms of powerlessness wear people down over time, such as repeatedly trying to get the sustained empathic attention of a partner and finally giving up.

can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

relaxation needs to be a conscious priority.

fear is at work when a person stays within a small comfort zone, procrastinates to avoid a challenge, feels emotionally inhibited, or avoids speaking up and standing out.

most people overestimate threats while underestimating their resources for managing them.

as an adult I just took it for granted that if I stood out in a group, bad things would happen.

Flooded with false alarms, it’s easy to miss real threats, especially those that grow slowly over time, such as an emotional distance creeping into a marriage.

Needless fear makes us shift resources from approaching opportunities to avoiding exaggerated threats.

Fear arises when threats seem bigger than resources.

being consumed, invaded, and compromised by fear doesn’t make you safer.

Your experience is not itself a demand upon others, so simply sharing it

Sharing experiences rather than offering analysis or advice also promotes joining.

Relationships are inherently unstable and naturally need repairs. It’s a red flag if someone in a significant relationship is unwilling to repair it.