Ghosted

by J.M. Darhower

This book is dedicated to everyone who has ever loved a story so much they could quote it. There's nothing in the world quite like being part of a fandom. Never let anyone shame you for it. Read those books. Watch those movies. Binge those TV shows. Love those characters. Admire those celebrities. Write that fan-fiction. Draw that fan art. Go to those conventions. Sing that (on-hiatus, totally-not-broken-up) boy band at the top of your lungs. Do what makes you happy.

They’d already said enough goodbyes to last them a lifetime.

Life has a way of burying memories. In my case, they’re buried under a mountain of other junk in the closet.

It’s loving someone enough to set them free.

“Is a writer still a writer if nobody reads what they wrote?”

I need you to know… that even when I was completely fucked up, I never once stopped loving you.”

“I can do that!” she says. “I can fix it!”

You’re the queen, baby… I’m just a commoner.” “Did you just…?” She stares at you as you push her onto her back and hover over her. “Oh my god, you seriously just quoted Breezeo to me.”

I nod, looking down at my hands. “I wasn’t accusing you of cheating. I just wanted to know how long it took you to move on.” “Oh, well, that’s an easy one,” he says. “It hasn’t happened.”

She looks up at me. “You think I’m pretty?” “What? Of course.” I kneel next to her, grinning as I press a finger to the tip of her nose. “You look like your mom.” “You think Mommy’s pretty, too?” “I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world.”

I mourn the years they lost, the time that was wasted, the love that maybe just wasn’t quite enough to overcome his demons sooner. Every smile they share today is the product of years of tears, of years of fighting and struggling and hoping and mourning but never, ever, ever quitting or giving up, because we’re here.

You don’t know this, but that woman? Even as she smiles, she’s utterly terrified. Your love is more than enough for her, but she feels pieces of it slipping away. Something inside of her is disintegrating.

But love is only as strong as the people who fuel it.

but that guy isn’t here anymore. Where has he gone? He took my heart with him when he left, but I’m going to need it back. I’m going to need it for what’s to come, so I can try to protect it, so it doesn’t shatter when this new version of you hits bottom.

Your dream has become my nightmare, and I’m begging you to let me wake up.

I’m a twisted up mess, a broken once-hopeful romantic, holding my heart in a clenched fist and begging him to take it, yet I’m afraid to let go and give him that kind of control. Because the last time I gave my heart to him, he crushed it.

What’s ridiculous, I think, is how much my chest aches when I look at him. How much my insides coil when I hear his laughter. How much his smile sets my soul on fire. What’s ridiculous is how lost I feel when I think about the future.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from it all, it’s that we have to be our own heroes. No guy in a costume is coming to save us. We have to save ourselves.

Because you live in a big, big world now, but hers is very small. A day without you is going to be like a day without the sun. Don’t let her days go dark.”

“Never make someone else the main character in your own story.”

“Worse is loving someone who disappears and never knowing if they’ll come back. Because how do you move on if you’re not even sure they’re gone? The answer is—you don’t. When you spend most of your life chasing ghosts, eventually, you become one.”

Ten years ago, you ran away with me so I could follow my dream. It’s time you follow yours. Wherever it takes you, I’ll be there. Happy Dreamiversary. Jonathan

Goodbye. That’s all I write. There are a million things I want to write, but I keep those words locked up tight.

“I’m not surprised he listened,” she continues. “He’s a good guy.” My dad lets out a loud laugh. “He is,” my mom says. “He’s just an addict, and your daughter was his first high. That boy would’ve run right into traffic if she said she needed him to.”

So if you want forever, goddamn it, I’ll be there.”