Sometimes I Lie

by Alice Feeney

Something very bad has happened, but I cannot remember what or when.

I might need to turn back and begin the whole routine again. It isn’t.

but nightmares are dreams too.

Why a team of women who produce a show for women is managed by a man is beyond my comprehension.

abruptly left, so I suppose I should be grateful.

yet. He hasn’t been himself lately—staying up late in his writing shed,

I’m nothing special, I’m not like her. I’m more of a shadow, really. A dirty little smudge.

“Came in late last night. Some sort of accident,”

I can’t remember what happened to me, but I know, with unwavering certainty, that this man, my husband, had something to do with it.

no man wants to sit and stare at a woman’s tear-stained face, knowing that he’s responsible.

“Bitch,” says Paul, in a voice I barely recognize as his.

The somebody he loved became a nobody he loathed.

They are sitting on the sofa, laughing, Paul in his usual seat, Claire in mine.

almost empty bottle of wine and two glasses pose for a tedious still life on the table in front of them.

“I thought you were going out after work tonight?”

“I’d invite you to stay, but I need to talk to my husband.” I meant to say Paul, but my subconscious deemed it necessary to change the script.

I’m pretty sure she knew I wouldn’t be here, and she’d offloaded the kids, so she’d planned it. I can’t

Nana always said that books made better friends than people anyway.

bed. Then, at nine o’clock Mum will tell me to go upstairs. She sets an alarm to remind herself to do this.

and the pain calms me enough to stop me from running out of the tiny, dark room.

She looked like she could do with some exercise herself.

“I liked Paul,”

“Remember I’m only around the corner,”

Her final words feel like more of a threat than a comfort.

“Morning, Amber, how are we feeling today?”

And then I feel large hands close around my throat.

but the voices in my head are less optimistic.

Life is more terrifying than death in my experience.

There was someone else in the car that night, I’m sure of

don’t know this man. But he knows me.

“In case you’re confused in there by anything you’ve heard, this wasn’t an accident.”

Memories can’t hurt anyone, unless they are shared.

watched Taylor sleep for almost an hour. It was like watching another version of me.

my punishment for something that happened a long time ago.

“The thing is, to be a good mother, you have to put your children first. You’ve always been very selfish, Amber, even as a child.

I didn’t even want to look at you and everyone was worried that I would

always get the impression that she sees straight through me and doesn’t like the view.

lucky. I bet even her dreams are better than mine.

think it is far more likely to be the laxatives I put in her coffee just before we went on air.

“You have to stop blaming yourself, Paul. It was an accident.”

“Did you know that one of the drugs we use to keep people in a coma is the same drug they use in America for the death penalty?

but they’ve offered me a permanent post and I’ve decided to stay a little longer.” “Congratulations, which hospital?” “King Alfred’s.”

“Madeline’s mic was still on. They did a guest in the studio, then went back to her. Everything she just said went out live on national television.”

do my very best to look surprised.

until Taylor told me that she wasn’t real, she was an imaginary friend.

Jo when I moved if I wanted, that Jo would keep me company when I was scared or lonely and that I’d always have a friend wherever I went.

Just between us, I’ve set up a little camera in your room, the one I was going to put up at the back of the house. I’m going to put it right here, where nobody will notice.

I stop hearing what he is saying as his hands tighten around my throat.

He lifts me off the floor and it’s almost impossible to breathe. I hit him with my fists and try to kick him but it’s as though he doesn’t feel the blows; like a fly trying to hurt a horse, I’m just an irritation.

I told them I was one of the doctors here and they believed me. But then you believed me too, didn’t you.”