The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win

by Jeff Haden

The more I posted and connected and experimented, the more data points I could evaluate and the better I could understand what readers responded to, which le...

Again, the key isn’t to think, “I want people to like me.” That is your goal, but forget about your goal and just follow the process.

Likable people already know what they know. They want to know what other people know. They ask questions. They ask for details. They care about what other people think, and they show it by listening.

Taking responsibility when things go wrong instead of blaming others isn’t masochistic; it’s empowering—because then we focus on doing things better, or smarter, the next time.

The only way to form genuine relationships is to stop trying to impress . . . and start being yourself.

Want people to like you? Listen to what they say. Focus on what they say. Ask questions to make sure you understand what they say.

People like people who help. Don’t tell someone else what to do. Ask them how you can help them do what they want to do.

Want to be instantly likable? Be the person who has accomplished very cool things . . . but manages to make other people feel like they are the ones who have accomplished very cool things.

Easier said than done? It depends on your focus. When something bad happens to you, see that as a chance to learn something you didn’t know. When another person makes a mistake, see that as an opportunity to be kind, forgiving, and understanding.

Optimism—rational, reasoned, justifiable optimism—is contagious.

So you get a large wall calendar, one that shows the entire year. You hang it in a place you can’t miss it. And every day, once you’ve accomplished your task—remember, your task isn’t to become a great comedian, your task is to write new material—you put a red X over that date.

Your only job is to not break the chain.

Let’s say you want to write a book. Create a plan to write a thousand words a day, stick to that plan . . . and seventy to eighty days later (depending on how long-winded you are) you will achieve your goal.

What matters is what you need to do to achieve your goal.

So don’t start unless you’re truly willing to pay the price.

Process is everything.

1. Set your goal.

So just pick a plan, trusting that any plan that ranks highly in search results found its way there for a reason.

If necessary, customize your process to be extremely specific.

If you’re seeking a degree, “study for two hours and take a practice test” is a specific, actionable plan.

Look at the process you created and determine what changes you need to make to your current daily routine so you can reliably work that process.

This is the easy part. Just take the training plan you found and put it on a calendar.

The only thing that matters is that you can check off the box beside each day’s activity.

And when you do check off each box, take a second to congratulate yourself.

You didn’t miss your workout and you made a smart short-term decision that supports your long-term goal. Win-win!

Instead of giving up, fix whatever schedule problems have arisen. There is always a way.

But don’t make changes to your process because you’re tired or lazy or bored—make changes because those changes increase your likelihood of ultimate success.

If you’re new to the process of following a process, use a daily checklist. That way, each time you tick off a box you get that immediate rush of feedback from success—and you’ll be excited about ticking off the next box.

studies show that twenty minutes of exercise improves your mood for up to twelve hours. Win-win-win!

Remember, decisions are behavioral change killers, so eliminate as many decisions as possible.

The best way to determine the right process for achieving a life goal is to study people who have actually achieved that goal.

The only way to become financially rich is to start your own business, even if it’s just on the side. Even if it’s just, at first, a slightly stepped-up hobby.

So what is the best way to say no to yourself? It’s easy: Stop saying “can’t” and start saying “don’t.”

The power of “I don’t” extends to both your mind-set and the impression you make on others.

Use the power of language to help turn what you want to be into who you are. Use the power of language to forge a new—and better—identity for yourself.

Of course, being confident and respected starts with deciding who you want to be . . . and that means choosing a goal to achieve. After all, we are not what we think or wish or dream—we are what we do.

Get to the 90 or 95 percent level in any pursuit and you will be extremely successful and will feel incredibly good about yourself. Perfection definitely isn’t required.

Managers can’t just be good at managing a certain function; they need to be good leaders. Employees can’t just be good at performing a certain function; they need to embrace an entrepreneurial mind-set and constantly reinvent themselves.

the people who can synthesize and blend and apply a broad base of skills to a variety of functions and problems are the people who are most valued.

She feels she can be a tennis player and a student (she’s pursuing a master’s degree in interior architecture) and a designer and an entrepreneur.

One of the biggest reasons people don’t start doing, well, anything is that they think the first step must be a component in a comprehensive grand plan, one where every step is charted and every milestone identified . . . and because they don’t have that plan, they don’t start.

Maybe you’re smart enough to read this book and create a professional life plan in your twenties.

Plans are great, but plans without action are just dreams.

And someday you’ll sit on your porch and deeply regret that you never did—and never tried.

A quote often attributed to Jim Rohn goes, There are two types of pain you will go through in life: the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. Discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.

Strength is hard to build the first time, but regaining strength lost is much easier.

Be honest with yourself. What do you want to achieve for yourself and your family? What do you most value spiritually, emotionally, or materially? What do you most want to do? In what setting, or what pursuit, are you happiest?

We all need to be healthy. We all need to maintain solid family relationships. And we all need a level of income sufficient to our needs. (Not wants, needs.)

And even though screening for colon cancer is recommended for people once they hit age fifty—because 90 percent of new cases occur in people fifty and older—and I was (cough) fifty-four.

Happiness requires evenly balancing your multiple nonnegotiable goals, blending in a negotiable goal where appropriate . . . and never, ever forgetting to self-evaluate along the way to ensure the balance never gets out of whack. For brief periods of time it’s okay if that balance is off, but do that for long, and everything falls apart: your motivation, your confidence, your small successes—and ultimately, your happiness. Because success isn’t truly success . . . unless you’re happy.