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April 1 - April 22, 2022
No, honesty wants to speak to the least tidy version of the woman I’ve become.
No, honesty wants to speak to the least tidy version of the woman I’ve become.
I simply emerge. I come out from behind all the efforts to carefully construct a more acceptable version of me, and I hesitantly extend my hand, uncertain how to greet honesty. I could be met with a slap or a hug, and I’m well aware it could go either way.
I simply emerge. I come out from behind all the efforts to carefully construct a more acceptable version of me, and I hesitantly extend my hand, uncertain how to greet honesty. I could be met with a slap or a hug, and I’m well aware it could go either way.
I am an incredibly awkward hugger of the worst sort.
Meeeee
Actually, I’ve never wanted to fully embrace honesty at all. I’m much better at it today than ever before, but I hesitate, knowing just how dangerous this can be. As long as I suspect that honesty’s intention is to expose me and hurt me, it will always feel like a dangerous thing.
Actually, I’ve never wanted to fully embrace honesty at all. I’m much better at it today than ever before, but I hesitate, knowing just how dangerous this can be. As long as I suspect that honesty’s intention is to expose me and hurt me, it will always feel like a dangerous thing.
It’s easier to construct a more palatable life story—where I can draw straight lines from each hurt of the past to the healing I later experienced—than to face the raw truth. I prefer to neatly match each hard part of my testimony with the soft place I landed in the middle of God’s grace, forgiveness, and restoration as proof I am walking in freedom.
It’s easier to construct a more palatable life story—where I can draw straight lines from each hurt of the past to the healing I later experienced—than to face the raw truth. I prefer to neatly match each hard part of my testimony with the soft place I landed in the middle of God’s grace, forgiveness, and restoration as proof I am walking in freedom.
that. Honesty wanted me to bring the core of who I believe I am and hold it up to the light of what’s really true. And there’s not a soul alive who will find perfect alignment there. Not. One.
Honesty wanted me to bring the core of who I believe I am and hold it up to the light of what’s really true. And there’s not a soul alive who will find perfect alignment there. Not. One.
The cause of this misalignment is something we all wish would have stayed in the middle school locker room: rejection. One maliciously crafted rejection with my exact vulnerabilities in mind will pierce the deepest part of me. Being mature in my faith can help me better process it. It can help me have a better reaction to it. It can even help me remove the arrow and patch up the wound. But spiritual maturity doesn’t shield me from rejection.
Oof
The voices of doubt and insecurity whisper, “See, I’ve been telling you for years what an utter disappointment you are.” Those voices don’t have to scream; the pain does that in deafening tones.
The voices of doubt and insecurity whisper, “See, I’ve been telling you for years what an utter disappointment you are.” Those voices don’t have to scream; the pain does that in deafening tones.
There’s nothing like a serious dose of stress mixed with an extreme time crunch that makes a person’s mouth forget its filter.
There’s nothing like a serious dose of stress mixed with an extreme time crunch that makes a person’s mouth forget its filter.
I collect these phrases like other people collect stamps and Beanie Babies. I fill the unlined pages of notebooks from Walmart with these phrases. These words that move me are treasures.
I collect these phrases like other people collect stamps and Beanie Babies. I fill the unlined pages of notebooks from Walmart with these phrases. These words that move me are treasures.
Self-rejection paves the landing strip for the rejection of others to arrive and pull on up to the gates of our hearts.
Self-rejection paves the landing strip for the rejection of others to arrive and pull on up to the gates of our hearts.
Isn’t it in part due to the fact they just voiced some vulnerability you’ve already berated yourself for? It hurts exponentially more when you’re kicked in an already bruised shin.
Isn’t it in part due to the fact they just voiced some vulnerability you’ve already berated yourself for? It hurts exponentially more when you’re kicked in an already bruised shin.
Someone doesn’t invite me to her event, and my thoughts recount all the faults and frailties I’ve voiced about myself recently. Suddenly, I assign my thoughts to that person. I hear her saying these same hurtful things. I feel labeled and judged and, yes, rejected.
Or something I set my heart on unexpectedly falls through. I try to rally in my heart and remember that it’s due to unforeseen circumstances. But there’s some part of me that feels rejected. I don’t want to take it personally, but I find myself slightly off for the rest of the day and can’t quite shake the disappointment.
Or something I set my heart on unexpectedly falls through. I try to rally in my heart and remember that it’s due to unforeseen circumstances. But there’s some part of me that feels rejected. I don’t want to take it personally, but I find myself slightly off for the rest of the day and can’t quite shake the disappointment.
Relationships feel increasingly unsafe. Opportunities feel increasingly risky. And life feels increasingly uncooperative. I carry on, because that’s what we girls do. But this nagging sense of rejection, real or simply perceived, is doing more of a number on me than I care to admit. Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.
Relationships feel increasingly unsafe. Opportunities feel increasingly risky. And life feels increasingly uncooperative. I carry on, because that’s what we girls do. But this nagging sense of rejection, real or simply perceived, is doing more of a number on me than I care to admit. Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.
That person’s line becomes a label. The label becomes a lie. And the lie becomes a liability in how we think about ourselves and interact in every future relationship.
That person’s line becomes a label. The label becomes a lie. And the lie becomes a liability in how we think about ourselves and interact in every future relationship.
We project the lines of rejection we heard from our past on others and hold them accountable for words they never said.
We project the lines of rejection we heard from our past on others and hold them accountable for words they never said.
For years, I’d been expecting stability from a broken identity.
For years, I’d been expecting stability from a broken identity.
In the strangest way I felt as long as I stayed hidden, life stayed in control and I stayed safe. It was a place where scary possibilities at home couldn’t touch me. But I couldn’t stay in the ditch. I eventually had to go home each day. And back inside the brown apartment, things felt so very unpredictable.
In the strangest way I felt as long as I stayed hidden, life stayed in control and I stayed safe. It was a place where scary possibilities at home couldn’t touch me. But I couldn’t stay in the ditch. I eventually had to go home each day. And back inside the brown apartment, things felt so very unpredictable.
identity. I needed truth to inform what I believed about myself. Otherwise, what I believed about myself would become a fragile, flimsy, faulty foundation. The beliefs we hold should hold us up even when life feels like it’s falling apart.
identity. I needed truth to inform what I believed about myself. Otherwise, what I believed about myself would become a fragile, flimsy, faulty foundation. The beliefs we hold should hold us up even when life feels like it’s falling apart.
I couldn’t keep my old broken beliefs, nail a little Jesus truth to the side, and expect stability. I knew I had to stop assessing God’s goodness by how my life felt at any given time. Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through.
I couldn’t keep my old broken beliefs, nail a little Jesus truth to the side, and expect stability. I knew I had to stop assessing God’s goodness by how my life felt at any given time. Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through.
My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me. Only then can I find a stability beyond what my feelings will ever allow. The closer I align my truth with His truth, the more closely I identify with God—and the more my identity really is in Him.
My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me. Only then can I find a stability beyond what my feelings will ever allow. The closer I align my truth with His truth, the more closely I identify with God—and the more my identity really is in Him.
when my identity is tied to circumstances I become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. I rise and fall with successes and failures. I feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized. I’m desperate to keep a relationship that makes me feel valuable. Then I’m constantly terrified of that person slipping away. Because I don’t just feel like I’m losing them … I feel like I’m losing a big part of myself as well.
when my identity is tied to circumstances I become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. I rise and fall with successes and failures. I feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized. I’m desperate to keep a relationship that makes me feel valuable. Then I’m constantly terrified of that person slipping away. Because I don’t just feel like I’m losing them … I feel like I’m losing a big part of myself as well.
The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.
The exhausting manipulation and control it takes to protect an identity based on circumstances will crush our hearts and hide the best of who we are behind a wall of insecurity.
And sin absolutely breaks God’s heart. But in no way did sin affect the goodness of God.
And sin absolutely breaks God’s heart. But in no way did sin affect the goodness of God.
best: “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
Therefore, I have to keep my mind focused on what the Holy Spirit whispers, not what my flesh screams.
Therefore, I have to keep my mind focused on what the Holy Spirit whispers, not what my flesh screams.
Do I trust God to be God? This will not just stabilize our identities, but it will fully anchor us.
Do I trust God to be God? This will not just stabilize our identities, but it will fully anchor us.
The mind feasts on what it focuses on. What consumes my thinking will be the making or the breaking of my identity.
The mind feasts on what it focuses on. What consumes my thinking will be the making or the breaking of my identity.
If God is good and God is good to me, then I must fill in the gaps of all the unknowns of my life with a resounding statement of trust: God is good at being God. I don’t have to figure my present circumstances out.
If God is good and God is good to me, then I must fill in the gaps of all the unknowns of my life with a resounding statement of trust: God is good at being God. I don’t have to figure my present circumstances out.
All I have to do is trust. So in quiet humility and without a personal agenda, I make the decision to let God sort it all out. I sit quietly in His presence and simply say, “God, I want Your truth to be the loudest voice in my life. Correct me. Comfort me. Come closer still. And I will trust. God, You are good at being God.”
All I have to do is trust. So in quiet humility and without a personal agenda, I make the decision to let God sort it all out. I sit quietly in His presence and simply say, “God, I want Your truth to be the loudest voice in my life. Correct me. Comfort me. Come closer still. And I will trust. God, You are good at being God.”
Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.
Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.
Giving with strings of secret expectations attached is the greatest invitation to heartbreak.
Giving with strings of secret expectations attached is the greatest invitation to heartbreak.
How dangerous it is when our souls are gasping for God but we’re too distracted flirting with the world to notice. Flirting will give you brief surges of fun feelings but will never really pull you in and hold you close. Indeed, the world entices your flesh but never embraces your soul. All the while, the only love caring enough to embrace us and complete enough to fill us, waits.
How dangerous it is when our souls are gasping for God but we’re too distracted flirting with the world to notice. Flirting will give you brief surges of fun feelings but will never really pull you in and hold you close. Indeed, the world entices your flesh but never embraces your soul. All the while, the only love caring enough to embrace us and complete enough to fill us, waits.
Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.
Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.
We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.
We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.
When past rejections make me so prone to satisfying or at least numbing the flesh to avoid more pain, it’s hard to resist.
When past rejections make me so prone to satisfying or at least numbing the flesh to avoid more pain, it’s hard to resist.
There is power in really knowing this. This isn’t dependent on what you’ve accomplished. Or on another person loving you or accepting you. Nor is it because you always feel full. You are full, because Christ brought the fullness to you.
There is power in really knowing this. This isn’t dependent on what you’ve accomplished. Or on another person loving you or accepting you. Nor is it because you always feel full. You are full, because Christ brought the fullness to you.
Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact.
Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact.
People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along.
People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along.
The fragile nature of my heart needs time. So I give it just that. They say time heals—and I think this can be true—but only if that’s truly the goal here: healing. Time grows the seeds that are planted, watered, and fertilized. Plant beauty, grow beauty. Plant thorns, grow thorns. Time will allow for either.
The fragile nature of my heart needs time. So I give it just that. They say time heals—and I think this can be true—but only if that’s truly the goal here: healing. Time grows the seeds that are planted, watered, and fertilized. Plant beauty, grow beauty. Plant thorns, grow thorns. Time will allow for either.
We have an enemy, and it’s not each other.
We have an enemy, and it’s not each other.
We must speak with honor in the midst of being dishonored. We must speak with peace in the midst of being threatened.
We must speak with honor in the midst of being dishonored. We must speak with peace in the midst of being threatened.
I like stability. I don’t like getting caught off guard. I like feeling known. I don’t like feeling thrown away. I like for people to believe the best about me. I don’t like being misunderstood. I like feeling that my presence draws people close. I don’t like feeling that they saw me but pretended they didn’t. I like to be liked. I don’t like to be left out or walked away from. I like feeling that this person is my person. I don’t like knowing this person was my person but is not any longer.
I like stability. I don’t like getting caught off guard. I like feeling known. I don’t like feeling thrown away. I like for people to believe the best about me. I don’t like being misunderstood. I like feeling that my presence draws people close. I don’t like feeling that they saw me but pretended they didn’t. I like to be liked. I don’t like to be left out or walked away from. I like feeling that this person is my person. I don’t like knowing this person was my person but is not any longer.
But seeking what’s fair never cracked the world open to reveal the beautiful reality of a Jesus-loving woman. Only a pure heart with space for grace can do that.
But seeking what’s fair never cracked the world open to reveal the beautiful reality of a Jesus-loving woman. Only a pure heart with space for grace can do that.
A woman’s eyes often hold conversations within their stare.
A woman’s eyes often hold conversations within their stare.
Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections.
Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections.
Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. MRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically speaking). In fact our brains respond so similarly to rejection and physical pain that Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits. In a study testing the hypothesis that rejection mimics physical pain, researchers gave some participants acetaminophen (Tylenol) before asking them to recall a painful rejection experience. The people who
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Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. MRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically speaking). In fact our brains respond so similarly to rejection and physical pain that Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits. In a study testing the hypothesis that rejection mimics physical pain, researchers gave some participants acetaminophen (Tylenol) before asking them to recall a painful rejection experience. The people who received Tylenol reported significantly less emotional pain than subjects who took a sugar pill.
This situation was small in comparison to other rejections I’ve faced. But it tapped into a raw emotional place of other unresolved hurts,
This situation was small in comparison to other rejections I’ve faced. But it tapped into a raw emotional place of other unresolved hurts,
Rejection isn’t just an emotional feeling. It’s a message that alters what you believe about yourself. And the minute you sense that happening is the minute you must stop the runaway thinking with truth.
Rejection isn’t just an emotional feeling. It’s a message that alters what you believe about yourself. And the minute you sense that happening is the minute you must stop the runaway thinking with truth.
